Things I Learned From Classic Literature

Classical literature is worthwhile reading for many reasons -- great stories, commentary on culture, commentary on the human condition, foundations of culture, meaningful lessons.

Here are some things I have learned from classical literature.

• The Aeneid
  No need to worry if your home is destroyed and your wife killed by an invading army. There's a queen waiting 'round the corner to make you king, be your snuggle-love-bunny, and make everything all better.

• Don Quixote
  It can really suck to have a reputation among your classmates as an avid reader if your 8th grade Spanish teacher uses this book in a lesson about Spanish culture.

• Dune
  A near-future Middle East war can be presciently hidden in a science fiction novel.

• Dracula
  When traveling, be sensitive to differences in cultures and folk customs. Such differences can cause serious trouble and be the death of you, if you aren't careful.

• Foucalt's Pendulum
  Inventing fictional paranoid lunatics will only serve to anger real-life paranoid lunatics.

• Great Expectations
  Titular-based hopes can lead to Great Disappointments.

• Hesiod
  The ancient Greeks were the first to know the thrill of victory, Theogony of defeat.

• The Iliad
  
  • Even if you are king, there are some people whose slavegirls you just shouldn't steal.
  • If your mother is a sea goddess, you can get some seriously cool sparklies.

• The Inferno
  Don't get a poet mad at you or you might end up as a dung-dwelling denizen of Hell.

• Jane Eyre
  Keeping secrets from your beloved only leads to despair, disaster, and housefires.

• Les Miserables
  Don't steal bread from a Frenchman.

• MacBeth
  
  • If you kill a king to usurp a throne, make sure you dispose of the heirs.
  • When dealing with seers, read the fine print.

• Moby Dick
  An obsession with getting a big Dick can be very troublesome, perhaps even leading to fatal consequences.

• Name of the Rose
  Some killjoys take their roles much more seriously than others.

• The Odyssey
  It is a bad idea to come to the attention of the deathless gods.
  It is a really bad idea to work for one who has come to the attention of the deathless gods.

• Pride and Prejudice
  Snide and snarky wins a culturally desirable husband.

• Starship Troopers
  Politics can be really detrimental to a good shoot-em-up.

• Titus Andronicus
  You can't have your kids and eat them too.

• Ulysses
  With enough spices and a sharp knife, a butcher can make you think tripe is prime rib.