New Summer Olympics Sports
This is a set of 18 new sports that would make for great Olympic spectating.
Many of them combine multiple current or previous Olympic sports. Others
add non-athletic elements to existing sports. I expect just about everyone
is making a list like this. However, my list is, by definition, my own.
Warning: Some people might find these a little tasteless.
This set focuses on the Summer Olympics. Something tells me that a set of new
Winter Olympic sports will be arriving in two years.
- Knights and Pirates
This event consists of two separate events. The first, the knights
event, blends fencing and equestrian events, leading to swordfights on
horseback. The second, the pirates event, integrates fencing, hurdling,
and sailing, giving us inter-boat swordfights and boarding parties. This is
a team event, with all team members acting as knights, sailors, and pirates
in the respective sub-events.
This event modifies the mundane equestrian-centric polo event by replacing
the horses with hippos. As bad-natured as hippos are, they become active
sport participants, and not merely the vehicle by which a wealthy person is
toted around a field to whack a harmless little ball. As if the sight of
trotting hippos isn't enough, comedic effect is enhanced by hippos' natural
talent for poo-spraying.
- Freestyle Javelin
This event combines swimming, javelin, and sculling events. Swimmers start
in a 400-meter freestyle race. After a 100-yard head start, the sculls follow
and attempt to skewer the swimmers with javelins. The javelins may not be
thrown, but are handheld.
- Flaming Hoops
This event combines the rhythmic gymnastics hoop event with the Olympic torch.
The hoop is set on fire and the gymnast must do their normal hoop routine
with a burning hoop.
- Percussive Gymnastics
Make the sticky-twirly thing in the "Ribbon" Rhythmic Gymnastics a stick
of dynamite with a long fuse. The competitors must execute a series of 67
prescribed techniques before the fuse reaches the dynamite. 60 seconds are
allowed per competitor.
- Barrel Fishing
This event combines the swimming and shooting events. The swimmers compete
in a 400-meter freestyle race. The shooters are located on a nearby tower
and attempt to shoot the swimmers as they make their lane-end turns.
- Three-Legged Hurdles
This event combines the hurdle races and the three-legged race. Two runners
are placed side-by-side and their inside legs are tied together. Then a
normal hurdle event is run.
- Skeet Diving
This event combines the diving and shooting events. The divers compete
in a 20-meter platform dive. The shooters attempt to shoot the divers only
during the twist/flip part of the dive. Any divers shot outside of that part
of the diver causes the shooter to be disqualified.
This event combines several track and field events. The first event, the
pole vault, is the only compulsory event. The athlete pole vaults into a
500-meter-long field scattered with many vipers. Any combination of hurdle,
long jump, high jump, sprint, dash, or speed walk may be used to avoid the
snakes. Any athlete bitten by a snake incurs a penalty.
- Fire Diving
This event combines platform diving with the Olympic cauldron. The diving
pool, while filled with water, also has a layer of oil floating on the
surface. The Olympic torch is used to ignite this oil and the divers must
dive into the pool through the flames. While the divers score points as in
normal diving events, the excitement for the audience comes when the divers
try to exit the pool.
- Traditional Steeplechase
This event uses time travel to drop athletes back into Georgian/Regency
England in the roles of fifth sons to minor noblemen. The athletes, lacking
any other prospect, try by any means necessary to secure an appointment as a
member of the clergy.
- Six-Legged Steeplechase
This event combines the equestrian steeplechase event, the various
"synchronized" events, and the three-legged race. Two horses are placed
side-by-side and their inside legs are tied together. Then a normal
steeplechase event is run.
- Barbing for Balls
This event combines archery with water polo. A water polo game is played,
while archers attempt to shoot arrows into the ball. Points are deducted if
an archer hits a water polo player. Heavily barbed arrows are used to
prevent them from sliding out of the slippery balls.
- Spammer Toss
This is an exhibition event that involves athletes, audience, and anyone who
wants to participate. A huge tank is filled with tigers, poisonous snakes,
piranhas, or some other deadly animal. Spammers are rounded up and put in a
corral. Participants take spammers and toss them into the tank. There are
no medals, there are no points, there is no scoring, but everyone is
- Uneven Parallel Universes
This event requires gymnasts to swing back and forth between parallel
universes that have different physical laws while performing a prescribed
set of standard floor exercises.
- Beach Bowling Ball
This event combines beach volleyball with bowling by replacing the volleyball
itself with a bowling ball. All other rules remain the same.
- Stationary Body Rings
This event combines the stationary rings gymnastic event with body piercings.
The athletes are connected to cables by their body piercings and they must
perform a required set of poses and maneuvers.
- Club BMX
This event combines BMX racing with the rhythmic gymnastics club event. The
BMX racers each carry a club they may use to bash their competitors.
"Olympics" and "Olympic" are undoubtedly trademarked by someone, somewhere.
Text copyright 2008 by Wayne Morrison, all rights reserved.