Systems of measurement are a by-product of civilization and commerce. Many measurement systems have arisen, fallen, changed, and been absorbed by others. As time goes by, some systems, some units, fall out of use through neglect and lack of use (e.g., the scruple) or as a result of being replaced by more culturally relevant units (e.g., the furlong.)
Some of these measurements had use in previous times, but are no longer in use. Some are still in current use, but are of little use to the average person. These measurement are here revitalized and given new life and new meaning, meaning that may be easily understood and accepted by the average person.
For each revitalized measurement, the table below gives the unit, the original use, and the new use. Some of the units have exact calculations and precise values; some units are more intuitional in nature.
| Unit | Original Use | Revitalized Use | ||||||||||||||||||
| bolt | length a roll of fabric 1 bolt = 120 feet
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Combines distance and time measurements. Measures the distance between the TV
and the toilet with the time between the start and end of a commercial break.
bolt = 2 * FTC-T / Ncom(30) where:
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| boxing weight classes | weight-class bantam-weight - up to 119 pounds feather-weight - up to 125 pounds light-weight - up to 132 pounds welter-weight - up to 152 pounds heavy-weight - up to 200 pounds super-heavy-weight - 200+ pounds
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frequency of visits to fast-food restaurants
bantam-weight - you occasionally buy a guilt-drink when you use the restaurant's restroom during a roadtrip feather-weight - you only go once every year or two, and still find it amusing that the smallest size drink is called "large." light-weight - you only go once ever 6-8 months and have a fair idea of each restaurant chain's specialty welter-weight - you goes every few months and have a few favorites that you tend to get heavy-weight - you go 2-4 times per month and know your order before entering the restaurant super-heavy-weight - you go so frequently that your order is prepped, bagged, and waiting for you when you arrive
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| bushel | volume unit of volume for dry goods equivalent to 64 US pints or 8 imperial gallons
| monetary unit Amount of non-salary money a government official receives while in office. This money is accumulated through such activities as graft, influence peddling, theft, and embezzlement. This term is often rendered as "Bush-el". Unfortunately, there is no known way to measure this figure.
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| carat | weight unit of weight for precious stones equivalent to 200 milligrams
| monetary unit This measures the dollar value of the signing-bonus incentives in a job offer. carat = (dollar value of all signing bonuses) / 10,000
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| hefnercandle | photometric unit
.92 candelas | intelligence Measures the intelligence of porn stars. A particular person's hefnercandles are measured by the following calculation: hefnercandles = (1.45 * mA) + (2.25 * M2) + (3 * M1) where:
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| hogshead | liquid measure 63 gallons
| intelligence measure of a US president Most presidents measure in partial hogsheads. The current president is averaging around 10 hogsheads.
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| jackpot | liquid measure 2 jiggers, 4 mouthfuls, or about 2 ounces | monetary unit This is a measure of the financial intelligence of the average person. It is measured by the annual sum of money a person spends on lottery tickets.
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| joule | work or energy one 3600th of a watt-hour
| energy Amount of energy a Guy expends explaining to his wife why he did any particular stupid thing. (There's no need to expand here upon the stupid thing; they both know exactly what he did...)
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| lumen | brightness (Too complex to condense. See a real dictionary.)
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stupidity measurement
This is measured by the brightness of the explosion following the statement, "Hey, watch this."
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| penny | length unit of length for nails
| length penis length The same pennies/inches relation applies; however, most men would much prefer to think of such things in larger units than in smaller units. | ||||||||||||||||||
| stone | weight 1 stone = 14 pounds
| density This unit measures the density of fruitcakes. Upon initial creation, a fruitcake will average around one-fifteenth of a gravity. This is the stone measurement. A fruitcake's density increases over time, and after a few years a fruitcake gets dangerously dense. After enough time of not being rendered into its constituent elements, a fruitcake will achieve a high-enough number of stones that it will collapse into a literal, instead of just figurative, black hole. Some astronomers believe the Fruitcake Theory of Super-Dense Gravitational Irregularities, which states that all black holes are the result of an intergalactic "civilization" of fruitcake makers, who strewed their creations around the universe. Other astronomers just think the first group is a bunch of fruitcakes.
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| weber | unit of magnetic flux (elec.) (Too complex to condense. See a real dictionary.)
| population density Number of people at a cookout. 1 weber equals 12 people
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