Revitalized Measurements

Systems of measurement are a by-product of civilization and commerce. Many measurement systems have arisen, fallen, changed, and been absorbed by others. As time goes by, some systems, some units, fall out of use through neglect and lack of use (e.g., the scruple) or as a result of being replaced by more culturally relevant units (e.g., the furlong.)

Some of these measurements had use in previous times, but are no longer in use. Some are still in current use, but are of little use to the average person. These measurement are here revitalized and given new life and new meaning, meaning that may be easily understood and accepted by the average person.

For each revitalized measurement, the table below gives the unit, the original use, and the new use. Some of the units have exact calculations and precise values; some units are more intuitional in nature.

Unit Original Use Revitalized Use
bolt length

a roll of fabric

1 bolt = 120 feet

Combines distance and time measurements. Measures the distance between the TV and the toilet with the time between the start and end of a commercial break.

bolt = 2 * FTC-T / Ncom(30)


  • FTC-T - number of feet between chair and toilet
  • Ncom(30) - number of 30-second commercials

boxing weight classes weight-class

bantam-weight - up to 119 pounds

feather-weight - up to 125 pounds

light-weight - up to 132 pounds

welter-weight - up to 152 pounds

heavy-weight - up to 200 pounds

super-heavy-weight - 200+ pounds

frequency of visits to fast-food restaurants

bantam-weight - you occasionally buy a guilt-drink when you use the restaurant's restroom during a roadtrip

feather-weight - you only go once every year or two, and still find it amusing that the smallest size drink is called "large."

light-weight - you only go once ever 6-8 months and have a fair idea of each restaurant chain's specialty

welter-weight - you goes every few months and have a few favorites that you tend to get

heavy-weight - you go 2-4 times per month and know your order before entering the restaurant

super-heavy-weight - you go so frequently that your order is prepped, bagged, and waiting for you when you arrive

bushel volume

unit of volume for dry goods

equivalent to 64 US pints or 8 imperial gallons

monetary unit

Amount of non-salary money a government official receives while in office. This money is accumulated through such activities as graft, influence peddling, theft, and embezzlement. This term is often rendered as "Bush-el".

Unfortunately, there is no known way to measure this figure.

carat weight

unit of weight for precious stones

equivalent to 200 milligrams

monetary unit

This measures the dollar value of the signing-bonus incentives in a job offer.

carat = (dollar value of all signing bonuses) / 10,000

hefnercandle photometric unit

.92 candelas


Measures the intelligence of porn stars. A particular person's hefnercandles are measured by the following calculation:

     hefnercandles = (1.45 * mA) + (2.25 * M2) + (3 * M1)


  • mA - number of unclothed porn magazine appearances
  • M2 - number of participatory secondary roles in porn movies
  • M1 - number of starring roles in porn movies

hogshead liquid measure

63 gallons

intelligence measure of a US president

Most presidents measure in partial hogsheads. The current president is averaging around 10 hogsheads.

jackpot liquid measure

2 jiggers, 4 mouthfuls, or about 2 ounces

monetary unit

This is a measure of the financial intelligence of the average person. It is measured by the annual sum of money a person spends on lottery tickets.

joule work or energy

one 3600th of a watt-hour


Amount of energy a Guy expends explaining to his wife why he did any particular stupid thing.

(There's no need to expand here upon the stupid thing; they both know exactly what he did...)

lumen brightness

(Too complex to condense. See a real dictionary.)

stupidity measurement

This is measured by the brightness of the explosion following the statement, "Hey, watch this."

penny length

unit of length for nails

20-penny 4 inches
40 5 inches
60 6 inches
80 7 inches
100 8 inches
120 9 inches
140 10 inches
160 11 inches
180 12 inches


penis length

The same pennies/inches relation applies; however, most men would much prefer to think of such things in larger units than in smaller units.

stone weight

1 stone = 14 pounds


This unit measures the density of fruitcakes. Upon initial creation, a fruitcake will average around one-fifteenth of a gravity. This is the stone measurement.

A fruitcake's density increases over time, and after a few years a fruitcake gets dangerously dense. After enough time of not being rendered into its constituent elements, a fruitcake will achieve a high-enough number of stones that it will collapse into a literal, instead of just figurative, black hole.

Some astronomers believe the Fruitcake Theory of Super-Dense Gravitational Irregularities, which states that all black holes are the result of an intergalactic "civilization" of fruitcake makers, who strewed their creations around the universe. Other astronomers just think the first group is a bunch of fruitcakes.

weber unit of magnetic flux (elec.)

(Too complex to condense. See a real dictionary.)

population density

Number of people at a cookout.

     1 weber equals 12 people

Text copyright 2007 by Wayne Morrison, all rights reserved.

Storm Monkeys