New Summer Olympics Sports

Warning: Some people might find these a little tasteless.

This set focuses on the Summer Olympics. Something tells me that a set of new Winter Olympic sports will be arriving in two years.

• Knights and Pirates
  This event consists of two separate events. The first, the knights event, blends fencing and equestrian events, leading to swordfights on horseback. The second, the pirates event, integrates fencing, hurdling, and sailing, giving us inter-boat swordfights and boarding parties. This is a team event, with all team members acting as knights, sailors, and pirates in the respective sub-events.

• Hippolo
  This event modifies the mundane equestrian-centric polo event by replacing the horses with hippos. As bad-natured as hippos are, they become active sport participants, and not merely the vehicle by which a wealthy person is toted around a field to whack a harmless little ball. As if the sight of trotting hippos isn't enough, comedic effect is enhanced by hippos' natural talent for poo-spraying.

• Freestyle Javelin
  This event combines swimming, javelin, and sculling events. Swimmers start in a 400-meter freestyle race. After a 100-yard head start, the sculls follow and attempt to skewer the swimmers with javelins. The javelins may not be thrown, but are handheld.

• Flaming Hoops
  This event combines the rhythmic gymnastics hoop event with the Olympic torch. The hoop is set on fire and the gymnast must do their normal hoop routine with a burning hoop.

• Percussive Gymnastics
  Make the sticky-twirly thing in the "Ribbon" Rhythmic Gymnastics a stick of dynamite with a long fuse. The competitors must execute a series of 67 prescribed techniques before the fuse reaches the dynamite. 60 seconds are allowed per competitor.

• Barrel Fishing
  This event combines the swimming and shooting events. The swimmers compete in a 400-meter freestyle race. The shooters are located on a nearby tower and attempt to shoot the swimmers as they make their lane-end turns.

• Three-Legged Hurdles
  This event combines the hurdle races and the three-legged race. Two runners are placed side-by-side and their inside legs are tied together. Then a normal hurdle event is run.

• Skeet Diving
  This event combines the diving and shooting events. The divers compete in a 20-meter platform dive. The shooters attempt to shoot the divers only during the twist/flip part of the dive. Any divers shot outside of that part of the diver causes the shooter to be disqualified.

• Herpetathlon
  This event combines several track and field events. The first event, the pole vault, is the only compulsory event. The athlete pole vaults into a 500-meter-long field scattered with many vipers. Any combination of hurdle, long jump, high jump, sprint, dash, or speed walk may be used to avoid the snakes. Any athlete bitten by a snake incurs a penalty.

• Fire Diving
  This event combines platform diving with the Olympic cauldron. The diving pool, while filled with water, also has a layer of oil floating on the surface. The Olympic torch is used to ignite this oil and the divers must dive into the pool through the flames. While the divers score points as in normal diving events, the excitement for the audience comes when the divers try to exit the pool.

• Traditional Steeplechase
  This event uses time travel to drop athletes back into Georgian/Regency England in the roles of fifth sons to minor noblemen. The athletes, lacking any other prospect, try by any means necessary to secure an appointment as a member of the clergy.

• Six-Legged Steeplechase
  This event combines the equestrian steeplechase event, the various "synchronized" events, and the three-legged race. Two horses are placed side-by-side and their inside legs are tied together. Then a normal steeplechase event is run.

• Barbing for Balls
  This event combines archery with water polo. A water polo game is played, while archers attempt to shoot arrows into the ball. Points are deducted if an archer hits a water polo player. Heavily barbed arrows are used to prevent them from sliding out of the slippery balls.

• Spammer Toss
  This is an exhibition event that involves athletes, audience, and anyone who wants to participate. A huge tank is filled with tigers, poisonous snakes, piranhas, or some other deadly animal. Spammers are rounded up and put in a corral. Participants take spammers and toss them into the tank. There are no medals, there are no points, there is no scoring, but everyone is a winner.

• Uneven Parallel Universes
  This event requires gymnasts to swing back and forth between parallel universes that have different physical laws while performing a prescribed set of standard floor exercises.

• Beach Bowling Ball
  This event combines beach volleyball with bowling by replacing the volleyball itself with a bowling ball. All other rules remain the same.

• Stationary Body Rings
  This event combines the stationary rings gymnastic event with body piercings. The athletes are connected to cables by their body piercings and they must perform a required set of poses and maneuvers.

• Club BMX
  This event combines BMX racing with the rhythmic gymnastics club event. The BMX racers each carry a club they may use to bash their competitors.