Lessons I Learned from TV

TV can be a highly instructional medium. Studies have shown that children from ages 3 - 5 who watch an hour of TV a day have greatly increased letter, number, and shape recognition when they enter school. (These studies were mentioned in an article in the Washington Post (12/31/06 Outlook section); sadly, references to the studies were not given.)

Below are some of the many things I have learned from watching TV. Included are the shows from whence these lessons came.

• American Idol - Talent isn't necessary in the music industry.

• Battlestar Galactica - Machines have ulterior motives and are not to be trusted.

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
  • Lame retorts when fighting the undead will speedily dispatch the adversary.

  • If you become an undead, you instantly get heavy-duty martial arts skills.

• House M.D. - If you live in New Jersey, you'll most likely catch a horrendous, difficult-to-diagnose, fatal disease.

• MASH - Gin-swilling surgeons are better than teetotalling surgeons.

• Masterpiece Theatre - The British speak better English'n we Americans be doin', and are smarter'n we'uns.

• New Yankee Workshop - With corporate sponsorship, anyone can have a great woodshop.

• News programs - Putting multiple people behind an anchor desk can turn an intelligent person into a doof.

• "Reality" shows - Ethics are useless and get in the way.

• Remington Steele - Solving a crime is far more important than gathering evidence such that a prosecutor could get a conviction.

• Rocky and Bulwinkle - Spies can be outwitted by woodland creatures.

• Star Trek: The Original Series - Rules were made to be broken; alien women were made to have sex with.

• Star Trek: The Next Generation - Rules are important; alien women were not made to have sex with, unless you're on Reisa.

  Also, teenage boys know more than anyone else.

• Wild Kingdom - It is useful to have an assistant to do the dangerous, dirty jobs for you.

• The X-Files:
  • When searching for a supernatural something that is trying to kill or eat you, it is best to forgo the overhead lights and instead use your tiny little hand-held flashlight.

  • Scientific skepticism should remain unaffected by experience.

• far too many shows to list:
  • Stupid, fat, inconsiderate guys get hot, intelligent wives.

  • After sex, women feel compelled to pull the covers up to their armpits, while men only pull the covers up to their waist.

Text copyright 2007 by Wayne Morrison, all rights reserved.