20 Worst Blind Dates Throughout History

1. The Grim Reaper

Harvester of Souls. He's really a great guy, but c'mon, Harvester of Souls.

2. Adam

First Man, literally zero prior experience with women.

3. Merlin
Wizard, Advisor to King Arthur and other heads of state. Always tries to pull the same old "magic staff" trick, but he invariably flubs it and that leads to a long period of uncomfortable silence.

4. Pa-Sheri
2148BC - 2099BC
Egyptian burial worker. His job was to extract the brains through the nose. He was known for developing several innovative hooks used in both brain removal and ear cleaning. Occasionally, he would mix up the hooks, to his utter embarrassment. He enjoyed talking about his work.

5. Attila the Hun
406 - 453

Social engineer, horseman, and chef. He is most known for his work across Asia and Europe. He did not like to share his toys or horses, and had a poor concept of etiquette and civilized discourse.

6. Shun Weng
701 - 751
23rd Cousin, thrice removed, from Emperor Xuanzong of the Tang Dynasty. Failed the Imperial Exams 27 times. Insisted on his dates running over his study cards with him, including the specially imported French study cards.

7. Itsim-Te Putún
790 - 850
Mayan chocolate trader, operating the highly lucrative route between Chontalpa and Cacaxtla. He originated the "Bitters for my bitter" pick-up line, which was a complete failure because it sounds dreadful in the Classical Mayan. He would serve his dates a concoction of cacao and llama milk, sweetened with sugar cane, despite the fact that making cacao sweet was heresy against the goddess Ixcacao.

8. Mikana Tikanota
974 - 1015
Table lacquerer to the Emperor's third cousin's wife's uncle's guard captain. He was widely acknowledged as Japan's worst poet, one who couldn't remember flower or paper associations. His origami always came out as piggies.

9. Hjordis "You Call That a Sword?" Eriksdottir
1307 - 1351

Blacksmith and warrior. She was only ever interested in talking about smithing techniques and her battle accomplishments. Ironically, her twin sister Jorun Eriksdottir is widely acknowledged to be one of the best blind dates of all time.

10. Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes
1431 - 1476

Warlord, Prince of Wallachia, research oenologist in haemal vintages.

11. Lucretia "Just a Sip" Borgia
1480 - 1519

Amateur biological chemist and papal stunt double. She always tried to slip her dates roofies, but they just ended up with gravies.

12. Henry "Hey, Baby!" Tudor, VIII
1491 - 1547

King of England, serial monogamist. He never quite grasped a few basic genetic concepts, and never really understood that the size of a man's codpiece was not the true measure of the man.

13. Angus "What's That Smell?" McNood
1520 - 1621
Inventor of haggis. He never understood why his dates always had gastro-intestinal problems after dining with him.

14. Elizabeth Tudor, I
1533 - 1603

Queen of England, "Virgin Queen", daughter of Henry VIII. As a child, she had no long-term female role models.

15. Erzsébet Báthory
1560 - 1614

Countess of Csejte, pioneer in bathing concepts. Her life-long calling was running a boarding school for girls.

16. Catherine "Winnie" the Great
1729 - 1796

Empress of Russia, noted equestrienne. She thought a good ice-breaking activity was dramatic readings of Diderot's Encyclopédie.

17. Erwin "Hello Kitty!" Schrödinger
1887 - 1961

Theoretical physicist, noted hater of cats. He always got confused about what box to put his things in. He was always on the look-out for another "Mrs. Schröd."

18. Ethel "I Do" Thomasin
1953 -
Cub Scout den mother and convicted "Black Widow" killer. Her children never forgave her for the time she mixed up the special cookies intended for her sixth husband with the batch she took to a den meeting.

19. John "Mr. Harmonica" McDunald
1963 -
Cattle renderer and wedding photographer. He would often bring his work home with him. When possible, he would combine both his jobs with his dating life.

20. Ernie "Ten for the Road" Bannister
1970 -
All-time worst DWI offender in Wakomac County, West Virginia, if not the state or the country. He is a stranger to bathing.

Copyright 2010 by Wayne Morrison, all rights reserved.

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