|1.||The Grim Reaper||Harvester of Souls. He's really a great guy, but c'mon,
Harvester of Souls.
|2.||Adam||First Man, literally zero prior experience with
|3.||Merlin||Wizard, Advisor to King Arthur and other heads of state.
Always tries to pull the same old "magic staff" trick, but he invariably
flubs it and that leads to a long period of uncomfortable silence.
2148BC - 2099BC
|Egyptian burial worker. His job was to extract the brains
through the nose. He was known for developing several innovative hooks used
in both brain removal and ear cleaning. Occasionally, he would mix up
the hooks, to his utter embarrassment. He enjoyed talking about his work.
|5.||Attila the Hun|
406 - 453
|Social engineer, horseman, and chef. He is most known for his
work across Asia and Europe. He did not like to share his toys or horses,
and had a poor concept of etiquette and civilized discourse.
701 - 751
|23rd Cousin, thrice removed, from Emperor Xuanzong of
the Tang Dynasty. Failed the Imperial Exams 27 times. Insisted on his
dates running over his study cards with him, including the specially
imported French study cards.
790 - 850
Mayan chocolate trader, operating the highly lucrative route between Chontalpa
and Cacaxtla. He originated the "Bitters for my bitter" pick-up line, which
was a complete failure because it sounds dreadful in the Classical Mayan. He
would serve his dates a concoction of cacao and llama milk, sweetened with
sugar cane, despite the fact that making cacao sweet was heresy against
the goddess Ixcacao.
974 - 1015
|Table lacquerer to the Emperor's third cousin's wife's uncle's
guard captain. He was widely acknowledged as Japan's worst poet, one who
couldn't remember flower or paper associations. His origami always came out
|9.||Hjordis "You Call That a Sword?" Eriksdottir|
1307 - 1351
|Blacksmith and warrior. She was only ever interested in talking
about smithing techniques and her battle accomplishments. Ironically, her twin
sister Jorun Eriksdottir is widely acknowledged to be one of the best blind
dates of all time.
|10.||Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes|
1431 - 1476
|Warlord, Prince of Wallachia, research oenologist in haemal
|11.||Lucretia "Just a Sip" Borgia|
1480 - 1519
|Amateur biological chemist and papal stunt double. She always
tried to slip her dates roofies, but they just ended up with gravies.
|12.||Henry "Hey, Baby!" Tudor, VIII|
1491 - 1547
|King of England, serial monogamist. He never quite grasped
a few basic genetic concepts, and never really understood that the size of
a man's codpiece was not the true measure of the man.
|13.||Angus "What's That Smell?" McNood|
1520 - 1621
|Inventor of haggis. He never understood why his dates always
had gastro-intestinal problems after dining with him.
|14.||Elizabeth Tudor, I|
1533 - 1603
|Queen of England, "Virgin Queen", daughter of Henry VIII.
As a child, she had no long-term female role models.
1560 - 1614
|Countess of Csejte, pioneer in bathing concepts. Her
life-long calling was running a boarding school for girls.
|16.||Catherine "Winnie" the Great|
1729 - 1796
|Empress of Russia, noted equestrienne. She thought
a good ice-breaking activity was dramatic readings of Diderot's
|17.||Erwin "Hello Kitty!" Schrödinger|
1887 - 1961
|Theoretical physicist, noted hater of cats. He always got
confused about what box to put his things in. He was always on the look-out
for another "Mrs. Schröd."
|18.||Ethel "I Do" Thomasin|
|Cub Scout den mother and convicted "Black Widow" killer.
Her children never forgave her for the time she mixed up the special cookies
intended for her sixth husband with the batch she took to a den meeting.
|19.||John "Mr. Harmonica" McDunald|
|Cattle renderer and wedding photographer. He would often
bring his work home with him. When possible, he would combine both his
jobs with his dating life.
|20.||Ernie "Ten for the Road" Bannister|
|All-time worst DWI offender in Wakomac County, West Virginia,
if not the state or the country. He is a stranger to bathing.