121025Alhazred's Cat: When you're alone in an abandoned, antediluvian mansion, behind at least one closed door is a cat. You don't know which portal the cat is lurking behind. The cat may be vital and alive, or the cat may be dead and putrefying. It may or may not have squamous tentacles; it may or may not have scabrous fur; it may or may not have Ariadnic fangs and Occamic claws that can shred flesh, rend bone, and rip the mask of beauty from the howling corpse of reality; it may or may not have eyes that can drink your soul with unholy exhilaration. It may or may not even look like a cat. You won't know anything about it until it leaps out to devour you, body, mind, soul, and spirit. Amidst the ululating swarm of uncertainties, the single certain, knowable thing is that no hammer or poison can help you, the cat -- alive or dead, it doesn't matter -- will find you and you are doomed.Eldritch Science Week
121026Three Laws of Golemics:
1. "Truth" written on a golem's forehead gives it life, which it must use to protect humans from religious persecution.
2. "Death" written on a golem's forehead removes life from the golem, preventing it from protecting the persecuted.
3. At the most inopportune time, a golem will go on a rampage, destroying the town, killing vast numbers of people, and preventing anyone from writing "Death" on its forehead.Eldritch Science Week
121027Ogham's Razor: Beware the crescent moon at the changing of the seasons when reading the runes written on standing stones. Searching the runes for simple answers will summon the hungry shades of long-dead priest and warrior who will harry you over moor and through glen, as the hounds chase the fox, lashing you with razors and blades. The horns of the moon will drip with your blood, harvested by the shades.Eldritch Science Week
121028Azathothean Transformation - Technically speaking, the Azathothean Transformation moves between coordinates of two frames of reference. Dry as this sounds, it is much more horrific in practice. The Transformation is the means by which the Outer Gods move themselves and their sacrifices between dimensions. It violates the laws of Newtonian physics and a glimpse of the transformation taking place will drive most humans insane. Galileo witnessed the Transformation as Nyarlathotep drew shrieking mortals from our world to his palace of blood-ivory. He retained some of his sanity, and used that experience to develop his own, purely mathematical laws of transformation. His ever-growing madness and desires to experiment with the Azathothean Transformation were the true reasons behind his persecution and imprisonment by the Church.Eldritch Science Week
121029Theory of Relativity - If you have a relative who was dragged off into the howling, seething chaos in which float the fragile spheres of existence by the crawling, tentacled horrors that bide their infernal lives in that chthonic abyss and you can read, then you are doomed.Eldritch Science Week
121030Moors Law: For every two hours you spend on the moors, you double the likelihood of being dragged beneath the squelching mire by the ineluctable moor-fiends that rise from the foetid depths, ethereal ichor streaming from their glutterous maws. Nocturnal moor-rambling, if ye be foolish enough to do so, hastens your demise by increasing the likelihood of moor-fiends every 90 minutes.Eldritch Science Week
121031Theory of Devolution: When a species reaches the peak of its evolutionary path, it must necessarily take a downward turn and regress back to less-advanced states. As the species comes under increasing scrutiny by the Great Old Ones, the devolution takes ever more frightening forms, twisting, mutating, shifting into shapes and semblances that can only send the feeble human mind shrieking down the halls of time.Eldritch Science Week
121031Lovecraft Uncertainty Principle: Which nameless horror you summon, where you summon the nameless horror, what effect the nameless horror will have on you -- pick two, because you can't know all three. And the third will be worse than you could ever imagine.Eldritch Science Week
121101Magical thinking is alive and well in America. Whenever a huge storm is approaching, invariably people stampede to grocery and convenience stores to buy milk, bread, and eggs. Even if they seldom use these products, people go buy them until the store shelves are empty. They seem to be talismans to keep the storm away, or at least to keep the damage to a minimum. "Oh Mighty Storm, I invoke the powers in this milk, this bread, and these eggs! Steer thine self awayen from my house! Hitteth thou my neighbor downeth the road! The one with the better car than mine! But notteth me! For I have milk, bread, and eggs!"
121102I wonder if novice superheroes spend lots of time videoing themselves figuring out what to do with their arms when they fly.
121103In early days, True Love bares all things. As time passes, True Love changes so it bears all things.
121104It was said that all roads lead to Rome. I think that was because Rome had indoor plumbing, and once you've had a taste of indoor plumbing you never want to go back.
121105The squirrel and the beaver both live in trees, but their neighborhoods are separated by an unbridgable gap.
121106Numbers may not lie, but they can be twisted, tickled, bent, prismed, seduced, cajoled, and tortured into distorting reality. Numbers don't distort reality, people using numbers distort reality.
121107Facebook is a way for lazy people to consider themselves political activists.
121108The leaves of a tree, just as the leaves of a book, can tell great tales if one but takes the time to read them.
121109Throughout my life, I've had an evolving view of Frere Jacques. From a young age, I wondered who Tina was and what part she played in the song. After a few years, I wondered who Sonny was. In time, I realized Tina was the singer's girlfriend, since she's referred to as "My Tina". As I matured -- or at least grew older -- I wondered why the singer was wanting Tina and Sonny to do, um, that together. As I learned that there was actually a great variety of relationships possible, I realized it didn't matter what the singer, Tina, and Sonny did -- their happiness together was the important thing. Ultimately, I decided that while I don't understand it, I do know that Frere Jacques is not a children's song.
121110A cobweb sounds like something a horse would spin. That raises all sorts of interesting questions and images. I envision horses climbing around on intricate webs they've constructed. What are they trying to catch in their webs? Would horses in a race be allowed to squirt webs in the faces of trailing horses? Baby horses would leave the web by ballooning and the sky would fill with foals dangling from their little web balloons. What would the webs of different horse breeds look like? Ah, if only I'd gone into the underappreciated field of applied inter-species genetic engineering, back in my days at the University of Transylvania.
121111I bet mailmen detest Herodotus for the strict work ethic he imposed on them.
121112I always laugh after donating blood when the Red Cross nurse says, "Don't skip any meals."
121113I was rather taken aback by the premeditated, organized viciousness displayed by the adults in Charlie Brown's neighborhood in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" In that show, the adults clearly planned ahead to give Charlie Brown rocks instead of candy. Not only did they plan ahead, but all the adults in the neighborhood were organized and they all gave him rocks. In addition to this widespread cruelty, it was an incomparably stupid thing to do. Children aren't known for their restraint and tight emotional control. This neighborhood of stupid adults never considered that they were taunting and disappointing a child, at the same time they were arming him.
121114Man-o-war jellyfishes developed their deadly sting in self defense. After ages of torment they decided they needed a means of protection. Prior to getting their sting, they were always being dragged off to birthday parties for young whales and being used as piñatas.
121115The other day, I saw a young child wearing a dinosaur sweater. The sweater had a line of zigzag, triangular back-spikes going down the length of the back. My initial thought was that kids are great because their parents can dress them in all sorts of spiffy costumes -- dinosaur sweaters, squid overcoats, Cthulhu hoodies, Godzilla snowsuits, werewolf hats. My second thought was that as cool as that would be, there's a limited time where the child will go along with this. My third thought was that having a child for the primary purpose of making it wear cool clothes might not be the best of justifications for having a child.
121116Microwave ovens should always have an extra button on them that beeps but does nothing else. When you're programming it to cook something, this button would make it easier to play tunes like "Shave and a Haircut" without getting weird cooking results.
121117Occasionally, I'll see a friend I haven't seen in many months and they will comment on how I've lost weight. The problem is, usually I've gained weight since I've last seen them. I'm left wondering if the weight is distributed better now, if they don't have a clue and are just thinking "fat guy, give a positive comment on the weight," or if I just looked really awful before.
121118I got spam with a subject line of "Massive Returns For Our Members." I'm too scared to read it, but I am wondering if it's stock spam, porn spam, or viagra spam.
121119An equestered jury is one that you have run down by wild horses when it gives a verdict you don't like. (Or, an equestered jury is a jury of the Peers.)
121120I wonder if it's a coincidence that "Life of Pie" had a Thanksgiving release?
121121There is an aspect of the Harry Potter universe that has gone mysteriously, maddeningly unexplained and unexplored, and that is the uncanny resemblance between the Sorting Hat and Oogie Boogie.
121122I have realized that these final thoughts are a jigsaw puzzle of a topographic map of my mind. If you can make any sense of this mass of thoughts, first off, well done you. Second, if you can fit the pieces together you might have an idea of what's going in my murky head.
121123Eliza Doolittle must have had Stockholm Syndrome.
121124Agri-businesses and food companies are nom-profits.Dumb Joke Week
121125What do sharks call swimsuits? Floss.Dumb Joke Week
121126The favorite art form of sheep is baaa relief.Dumb Joke Week
121127Where do cpus go to poop?
To the restrom.Dumb Joke Week
121128How does Cthulhu prefer his steaks?
With HP sauce.Dumb Joke Week
121129The soundtrack for Jew-on-non-Jew porn movies is baum-chikka-goi-oi.Dumb Joke Week
121130Lots of people are after-dinner speakers. I want to be an after-dinner pre-amp.Dumb Joke Week
121201People tell dumb blonde jokes and think that blondes are the poster children for dumb. In response to that, I want to say Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann.
121202I don't think Wil Wheaton would be so popular now if Wesley Crusher hadn't been so widely reviled way back then.
121203I have started to write a zombie novel. I haven't written much yet, but it is compelling, terrifying, and heartwarming -- even from the opening paragraph. It may be a bit of a teaser, but here are the first few sentences: R rr r rrrrrr rrr rrrr rr rrr rrrrr. "Rr rrrrrrr r rrrr rrr," R rrrr. Rrr rrrrrrrr rr rr rrrr rrrrrr.
121204The current fashion in outhouses at outdoor festivals are those blue plastic outhouses. Do you think Dr. Who ever loses his TARDIS when he goes to a festival? Or maybe he goes charging into an outhouse, thinking it's the TARDIS, only to discover that it's more of a TURDIS.
121205When people talk about a woman wearing a slinky dress, I imagine she's doing incredibly limber contortionist exercises down a flight of stairs.
121206Politicians that are puppets for the oil industry often talk about the US being energy independent -- not relying on oil coming from other countries. This seems to be rather shortsighted of the industry and the politicians. If the country primarily uses foreign oil now, then that's putting the US in an excellent position when the foreign oil dries up. All that sweet, sweet domestic oil can then be available for the US (by which I mean the oil companies) to exploit for even greater profits than they can now. Good thing politicians are greedy and incredibly short-sighted or else this kind of cynical, self-serving evil might be given significant consideration.
121207The literary world subtly acknowledges the intelligence and individual essence of animals. In those stories where animals are principal characters, they are not described as "first dog" or "third horse" stories. No, they are "first person" or "third person" stories.
121208My greatest fear is that somewhere on the Earth is a kitten that isn't being photographed for posting to the internet.
121209The Great Dwarven Wars raged for ages upon ages. The dwarf clans of the Blue Mountains struggled with the dwarfholds of the Skulling Ranges of the West. The wars and campaigns waxed and waned over the many long years. Many dwarfs died, no family was unscathed. The source of this tragic, pointless conflict sprang from an argument over which was the better, the more dwarf-like weapon, the battle-axe or the war-hammer.
121210A strophe is a structural division in an ode or a free-verse poem. A catastrophe is defined as a disaster, and it has the word strophe as its base. By extension, one can only assume that a poem about cats is inherently a disaster. Perhaps it's a poem about cats that's intended to bring about an apocalypse, in which case T.S. Eliot was a monumental psychopath.
121210Mary Jane candies: The taste is so good it makes up for the horribleness of chewing it.
Contributed by Jo Morrison
121211When crows escort the hawk away, sparrows may once more breathe gently and forage for their nestlings.
121212Of course a grizzly and a shark could fight, but why would they want to? In their opinion, it's a pointless rhetorical question posed by boring academics struggling to retain relevance and gain tenure. The grizzly and the shark would much rather sit around, knocking back salmon smoothies and talking about the fishermen that got away.
121213Listen closely in the early morn'.
When you hear the bottles go snicker-snack,
You know the Milkman has come at last.
121214Chaos, hate, and insanity will always be with us, but Love will overcome. The hawk and the sparrow will sit together and preen; the fox and the hound will roll and play; the wolf and lamb will lie down together. In the long run, Love will conquer all.
121215Sometimes I think Christmas tree ornaments wander around the tree in the middle of the night so they can visit their friends on the other side of the tree. If you also put popcorn strands on, that just encourages them as they'll walk the popcorn trail for snacks.
121216Well-known stories need no explanation only if they really are well known.
121217We are defined by our actions. Similarly, our shadows are outlined by the people who unfriend us over our political views. Often, the sharper the outline, the happier we are.
121218As tantalizing as it may sound, you shouldn't put honey and nuts in your balaclava. Nor should you put your baklava on top of your head, no matter how intriguing the millinery vistas this presents.
121219I feel kinda deprived and deficient. I've never had a safe word and I'm at a loss for what it would be if I had one. If I ever found myself in the position of needing one, I expect I'd lose an opportunity by spending too much time trying to think of just the right word.
121220When someone says they had the living shit scared out of them, they never sound as relieved and happy as I would expect. Personally, I'd be ecstatic to get rid of my shit if it was alive. Instead, people usually sound angry or upset. Also, I wonder what they've been eating and what weird, non-human species they are that they can produce such a thing.
121221Mistranslations and misinterpretations have had people thinking the Mayan Calendar foretold the condemnation of the world. In reality, the Mayonnaise Calendar was foretelling the condimentation of the world -- but only if we all can cut the mustard and ketchup to the understanding of the ancient sage wisdom that has been peppered throughout thyme immemorial. With relish we will find the spice in life, never to rue the passing of the old order.
121222The mirror in a camera is a two-way mirror. It reflects inwards the image the lens sees, and it reflects outwards the heart, soul, and mind of the artist taking the picture.
121223I know Santa is a busy guy, but it seems a bit rude that he never puts his milk glass and cookie plate in the kitchen sink.
121224Christmas tree ornaments are bound by their hangy hooks the same way djinnis are bound by their bottles, ifrits by their gold circlets, and kitsune by snow on their paws. If a Christmas tree ornament loses its hangy hook, it is released from the Christmas tree and may roam freely. All freed Christmas tree ornaments are benign, but the best-loved ones become household spirits that gladly, quietly, help around the house.
121225The Three Kings unequivocally showed their Guyhood by bringing gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to Bethlehem. Who would give serious consideration to bringing such strange gifts to a newborn? Clearly, these Guys waited until the last minute to go shopping. The really curious question to me, though, is what shop has these gifts just sitting around on the shelves, waiting for a last-minute shopper. Is there a Million Dollar Store for the rich that has these things on the shelves? Also, was myrrh a normal sales product there or had it been sitting unsold on the shelf for years? Was frankincense a stale, remaindered item or did the shop always stock it?
121225I wonder if Christmas tree ornaments have a preferred location for being placed on the tree. Does everyone want to be up near the star at the top? Maybe they all want to be at eye level. Maybe the fragile guys want to be really low, unless there are children or cats in the household. Does tree placing define an ornament's status for the coming year? Do they want to be near the lights or far away?
121225Turkey and stuffing is just an inside-out sandwich.
121226The Winter Hawk follows close behind the Autumn Falcon. While they soar over the same land, the hunting ground wears different faces.
121227Professional photographers often supplement their income by running a shell game using their lenses.
121228The winds howl, the rains beat, the snows enfold, and the Mockingbird withdraws from the meadows of home. Seek shelter when the Mockingbird comes in from the fields. =20
121229Ah, Hogswatchnight, when the Hogfather brings toys to all the good little children of the Discworld. To show their appreciation, or to bribe him, all the good little children leave out a pork pie for the Hogfather, who dutifully eats each and every one of them. A pork pie. For the Hogfather. Pork. Hog. Ah, Hogswatchnight, when the Hogfather bribes good little children into helping him fulfill his cannibalistic tendencies.
121230Whenever a gear loses a tooth, the Steampunk Tooth Fairy collects the broken tooth and swabs a bit of motor grease on the stump to ease the pain from the lost tooth. When a gear has lost too many teeth, she will search out a replacement and gently, carefully remove the injured gear and insert the new gear in its place. The Steampunk Tooth Fairy will then bring the retired gear to her workshop, where it will spend its remaining days in the comfort and company of gears and hardware.
121231Don't think too ill of zombies, or come down too hard on them. It's easy to think of zombies as mindless killers that are only trying to eat your brain, but there's a lot more to them than that. Zombies absorb knowledge and memories by consumption of neural tissue. When a zombie eats a brain, it gains the wisdom, experience, and abilities of its "victim." It doesn't matter if the zombie is eating a human brain or a zombie brain, it will still absorb everything that brain holds. When you understand this, you'll see that zombies aren't merely mindless killers but are, in fact, historians and cultural preservationists. Often they are overzealous in their pursuit of knowledge, but still seekers, historians, and learners nonetheless. In practical, long-range terms, this means that if you kill a zombie by destroying its brain, then you are guilty of the loss of all the knowledge, all the archived culture, all the wisdom ensconced in that poor zombie's brain.