December, 2024 241220Remember that time that everybody was Kung Fu Fighting? And that they were fast as lightning? I have a confession to make. I was actually Jujitsu Fighting, and I was having tummy troubles so I was only fast as sound. 241219My research in paranormal phenomena has received a major government grant. I will be building a giant telescope that will help to detect ghosts. It will be the Areciboo Observatory. 241218Many people think that stealthiness is a skill that allows one to move silently, a skill to be learned and practiced. However, stealthiness is not a skill for moving quietly and unobtrusively; it is more fundamental than that. When moving with stealth, one is overriding the natural order of the universe, and the universe's natural order forces people who are trying to be quiet to actually be noisy and obtrusive. 241217I've written a screenplay for a horror movie about a vampire that sucks people's snot. It's called Noseferatu. 241216Having been raised a Southern Baptist, as a child I thought the Bible was quietly acknowledging that we had things right. It may have left out a word for brevity's sake, but clearly John the Southern Baptist indicated who the real Christians were. 241215People jokingly say, "Life is uncertain, eat dessert first". This is a fatalistic linking of mortality and gustatory pleasure, and it's unfortunate people have used this reason to make this connection when there are much better reasons as to why you should start a meal with dessert. The obvious, simplistic, reason to end with dessert is that the meal will end with something that leaves your mouth at its happiest. However, the real reason to eat dessert first is related to health, rather than that you might die in the middle of the meal and miss dessert. When you eat dessert first, you are going to end up eating healthier food later in the meal. This is the best order of doing things, because your meal has the healthier food at the end of the meal and your body will remember that food better than it will remember the dessert. Since it will have effectively forgotten the dessert, you won't have to worry about the unhealthy aspects of the dessert and the healthy aspects of the meal will have a greater effect on your overall well-being. 241214Whenever I play Battleship, I always put part of my battleship on the C-4 spot. This way, whenever my opponent calls out that position, there's a nice explosion, just like a real hunk of C-4 would give. 241213Nietzche said, "When you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." Strictly speaking, this is true. However, it ignores two things that mitigate the meaning. First, the Abyss is always misplacing its glasses, so it may be gazing into you, but it isn't seeing anything very clearly at all. Also, the Abyss is easily distracted, so it may start off gazing at you, but then it'll look at that squirrel behind you, then the pretty flowers, then the people straying off the path into the grass (which really annoys the Abyss), and the dog chasing the stick. So, you can give the Abyss a good, long look, and not have to worry too much about it gazing back.
Usually. 241212It's been said that menstrual problems are women's punishment for Eve having disobeyed God. If that's true, then what on Earth did ferrets do to offend God to the point that they got the punishment of death if they don't mate? 241211Tonight, I got some fish and chips at the British Embassy here in DC. It was the best fish and chips I've had since I was last in the UK, in Scotland. Since the embassy is technically sovereign territory of the UK, I guess I still have had to go to the UK to get good fish and chips. 241210Driving someone to a very early medical appointment is surely a sign of True Love. Or maybe a recognition of the usefulness of future reciprocity. 241209The great thing about doing colonoscopy prep with blue Gatorade is that it gives your... emissions... a cheerful, happy, bluish tint. 241208It's hard to get a straight answer for anything in the highlands of Scotland. The answer to any question is always followed by, "moor or less." 241207It used to be that one of the most common activities people said they'd do if they got a time machine was that they'd go back and kill baby Hitler. These days, I fear that there are way too many people who would rather go back and protect baby Hitler. 241206A number of authors have written about Judas' 30 pieces of silver. In one case, they are inherently evil and can corrupt anyone that possesses them. In another, the coins are the vessels of demons, and just the briefest touch of one can cause a person to be possessed by the resident demon. I am wondering about a different, though related, thing. What happened to the gold that was given to Jesus at His birth? It would almost certainly have been in an easily transported format, very likely in coin or jewelry form. It would have been difficult to transport if it was in solid ingots or large lumps. It seems that holding or touching that gift of gold would have brought blessings into people's lives. If Judas' silver was cursed and evil, it seems that it would be countered -- overwhelmed, even -- by Jesus' gold. Why hasn't anyone written about that? 241205Cutting a sandwich from corner to corner, giving sandwich triangles, is mathematically the best way to cut a sandwich. You're cutting the sandwich from Point A to Point B. It's a straight line, dividing the sandwich exactly in half. Cutting a sandwich into rectangles is mathematically inferior. It's an attempt to divide the sandwich into equal halves, but there's no way to know if you've actually divided it equally, or if the line is sloping and thus shading off one way or another. Order in the universe is best maintained by cutting sandwiches from corner to corner. 241204I think that if I was in a Disney movie, I'd be the wisecracking animal sidekick. 241203People are anxious to protect their online shopping history, and rightfully so. Who wants the Big Internet Companies to know what they bought recently or are looking for; They will just use that info to shovel unnecessary advertising in your face. What I am really worried about, though, is hiding the current, right now, contents of my shopping cart from other people in the store. Especially if those are people I know. Do I really want that stranger to know I'm buying three cases of chocolate sauce and marshmallow cream? Do I really want Bob to know I'm buying a riding crop when he knows I don't ride? The single best thing of self-checkout is that I don't have a clerk looking at everything I'm buying, and making uncomfortable connections between this thing and those two other things. 241202Q: What's a duck's favorite dip?
A: QuackamoleFood Week 31 241201The feng shui of pie dictates that a piece of pie must be served with the pointy end pointing to the person eating it. This acts to gather in the wholesome positive taste flow and direct it in a concentrated stream to the eater. The crust -- being on the wide, far end of the pie -- serves as a barrier to keep noxious negative taste flow from impeding and affecting the positive taste flow. Keeping the central angle pointing at the eater and the barrier crust at the other end of the pie also serves to guard against interlopers attempting to steal the yummy bits of the pie.Food Week 31

November, 2024 241130Quiche is the fancy French word that translates to "open-face breakfast burrito".Food Week 31 241129Condiments and dips are products whose existence is predicated on the idea that other products are inferior and require assistance.Food Week 31 241128Q: What is the most mathematical of holidays?
A: Thanksgiving, because pi is a critical, integral part of it.Food Week 31 241127A rabbitoir is a place where vegetables are cut up for food.Food Week 31 241126You should plan ahead before getting your first Renfaire turkey leg. Cook a turkey at home and try to eat one of those turkey legs -- without a plate or fork, and just with a flimsy little paper napkin. Can you eat it unsloppily? What do you do with the tendons and other inediboe bits? After you finish and throw away the bone and bits (where do you dispose of them?), how clean can you get your hands and face and clothes with that one cheap ittle napkin? Now, how will you feel doing all of this with hundreds of people wandering around seeing you like this? If none of this is a problem, then Renfaire turkey legs are made just for you.Food Week 31 241025Predators gather in packs. Wolves, hounds, coyotes, weasels, rats, and polar bears all hunt for prey, and they gather in packs. The whole predator/pack connection seems stronger when you realize that playing cards and cigarettes also are in packs. 241121Gryffindor is known for bravery and courage, while Ravenclaw is known for intelligence and brilliance. With the time Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione, and Ron spent on the search for the horcruxes, it took almost two years for them all to be found. Bravery and courage weren't really what was required for that search, so much as intelligence and intuitive thinking. It would probably have taken a week, tops, if they had only brought in a couple Ravenclaws to help with the search. 241123Heimdallr was guardian of the gods in Asgard. His hearing was so good that he was said to be able to hear grass growing and the sound of sheep's wool growing. He also had the Gjallarhorn, or "loud-sounding horn", that he would blow to warn the gods of enemies and to announce the start of Ragnarök. While he would use the Gjallarhorn for this purpose, I think he really used it as his ear-trumpet and that is what gave him his fabled hearing. 241122A molar is a grinding tooth at the back of the mouth. Molar is an indicator that a solution contains one mole of something. A mole is a complicated chemistry term for an amount of a substance. A mole is also a small burrowing mammal. Wrapping all these terms together, a mole should be redefined to be the amount of a substance a mole can grind up with its molars in order for the substance to be added to a mole to make it delicious. 241121The Pillsbury Doughboy is always pushing dough-based baked goods on people. Since he's made of dough himself, it kind of seems like maybe he's a mass murderer or a cannibal or something. 241120If dinosaurs had fang teeth the way people do -- along with the incisors and molars -- what were they officially called? There were no dogs back then, so the fang teeth wouldn't be called canines. With those small little hoppy guys that swarmed all over things, maybe dinosaur canines were called compys. 241119It's habit to hit the Lock button on my car's key fob several times. It isn't necessary, but it is reassuring to hear that lock thunk a few times as I'm walking away. Reassurance is all those extra pushes provide. I think cars should be designed so that multiple key pushes increase the level of security. One push locks the doors. Two pushes disable the engine. Three pushes cause strong metal louvres to close over each window. Four pushes cause the strong metal louvres to enclose the whole car. Five pushes cause an active, AI-controlled weapons turret to raise up from the car's roof and keep track of all activity around it. 241118The ancient Italians had deep feelings of wanderlust, and they loved to travel around the world. This led to their name, because they were always roamin'. 241117People decorating for Halloween are a sure sign that it's time for musicians to start practicing Christmas music. 241116I've read that one of the most widespread fears is that of sitting on the toilet and, "A snake will pop out and bite me on the ass." However, no one ever says what the snake pops out of. Does it pop out of the toilet? Does it pop out of the person's ass? Does it pop out of the linen closet next to the toilet? Does it drop on the person from the ceiling? My fear is that all of the above will happen at the same time. 241115Homer's "The Odyssey" would have been significantly shorter if Odysseus had only had GPS on his phone. 241114I want to shave my upper lip bare and start over again. I will encourage the hair to grow in distinct lumpy, oval nodules. It will be the start of a new fashion trend in facial hair, the Pistachio. 241113I think our elections would be very different if presidential candidates had to present an unchangeable slate of all their appointees prior to the primaries. 241112For many decades, we've had the secret government warehouse where were stashed all manner of artifacts and treasures that were deemed too dangerous for the public. Things were stored in the secret government warehouse as a means of quietly "losing" them, without losing control of them. I think that Amazon is the most recent incarnation of the secret government warehouse. "I'm sorry sir, the computer shows that the product is in stock, but we just can't find it in any of our warehouses. Check back again next month." 241111For centuries, millennia even, people have made an immeasurable range of drinks by pouring hot water over various things. I am certain that we'll eventually hit another thing that we'll immerse in hot water. Rocks? Sticks? Old socks? After so many different types of leaves and beans have been added to hot water, who knows what will be popular next. 241110The secret to an active and robust economy is to have money that regularly goes down in value. If the money is coins of varying types of metal, then magically modifying them to periodically go from gold to silver to copper will cause people to want to spend their money quickly, rather than horde it. That will lead to an active, robust, healthy economy that will be the envy of the world. 241109My family and friends have long ignored my excellent advice and suggestions. To get them to listen to me, I created a fake AI-chat website and sent them invitations to this exclusive AI advisor. Now, when they send requests for advice to it, I give them my advice through it and they don't know it's really coming from me and not an AI chat program. It's mostly worked out well with only a few unfortunate results. As long as I don't gloat or mention the fake AI, things will be going well for me. 241108I have a very clever way of determining if a clock is digital or not. If the clock has hands, then it isn't digital. 241107Perspective is an important thing. This is evidenced by the ancient attempts to turn lead into gold. Alchemists have spent vast amounts of money, time, and difficulty on equipment, materials, tests, and research to never accomplish what a thief with a lead pipe easily accomplishes in an alley. 241106I believe the Electoral College should be abolished and we should rely on the actual vote counts, but this election is what the Electoral College was intended for. "Those fuckhead idiots elected who? AGAIN??? Well, we can fix that." 241105Wheat bread is like getting socks for Christmas. Whole-grain bread is like getting socks for Christmas, but in a color you hate and a fabric you're allergic to. 241104In calendrical math, "BC" is a negative sign. 241103Y'know how there are imaginary numbers? In music, any key with more than three sharps or two flats is an imaginary key. 241102I want to make a Halloween costume. It will be similar to an Alien chestburster -- white t-shirt, bloodstained chest. Instead of a bloody, fanged, Alien chestburster comming out the hole-in-the-chest, it would be a bloody, fanged, candycorn.Halloween 2024 241101One of the things the ancient Irish supposedly did to celebrate Samhain was to carve turnips into jack o' lanterns. It is thought this was intended to confuse malevolent spirits and fairies. I daresay this actually did confuse them. I fully expect that the spirits and fairies saw people carving up turnips and would think, "What the hell are they doing to that poor innocent turnip? Why would those people do that? What could they possibly be thinking?" And then the spirits and fairies would wander off, shaking their heads at the daft habits of those idiot humans.Halloween 2024

October, 2024 241031I want to celebrate Hobbit Halloween, where people come to my door and give me candy. 240930I wonder what happens with ghosts after their haunting place is destroyed. Whether from time, demolition, fire, bombs, or even some idiot driving a bus into it. Are they released to go... wherever? Into the Great Beyond? Are they still bound to their haunting place, despite its destruction? As the ex-building materials are carted off, is the ghost fragmented and fated to haunt all the places the building pieces end up? I really need a peek at the Handbook for the Recently Deceased.Halloween 2024 241029Vampirism is the ultimate form of iron deficiency.Halloween 2024 240928I don't believe in ghosts and I'm certain ghosts aren't real, but I wonder if ghosts don't believe in me and are certain I'm not real.Halloween 2024 241027An extremely popular Halloween decoration in my area is the witch-onna-broomstick that's flown into a telephone pole or tree. Sometimes, they even have a hilarious sign, like "Don't drink and drive". The brooms are always backwards, with the bristles at the back of the broom, rather than the historically accurate bristles-at-the-front configuration. In fact, the bristles belong at the front for exactly that reason. The bristles are the broomsticks' airbags.Halloween 2024 241026When young ghosts misbehave, their parents make them spend a little time as real people. That's because ghosts believe in corporeal punishment.Halloween 2024 241025For some reason, skeletons get offended if you get real fancy and serve them dinner on the bone china.Halloween 2024 241024Going to vote today was an interesting experience. There was a huge line, and everyone was cordial and polite. No one talked about the candidates or issues, it was all weather and the long line. No matter how whackadoodle or extreme people's politics were -- no matter how whackadoodle or extreme people thought my politics were -- everyone was friendly and polite. Even though I know that beliefs in this area are commonly shocking, I found this experience rather refreshing and hopeful. 241023I saw a video where a small monkey was banging a rock against a nut in order to get the food inside. No big deal, monkeys have been known to use tools for quite a long time now. The really interesting thing is that the rock was in a woman's hand and the monkey was lifting her hand and using it to bang on the nut. This is a second-order tool use, and shows that the monkey has a rudimentary understanding of employees and getting someone else to do the hard work. When the monkey realizes it can let go of the hand and let the person do the work, a deep evolutionary step will have been taken. 241022I would love to see Muppet versions of classic books. Things like Beowulf, the Iliad, and the Odyssey. Beowulf: Kermit as Beowulf, Animal as Grendel, Piggy as Grendel's mother, and Sam the American Eagle as King Hrothgar. Iliad: Fozzie as Achilles, Kermit as Patroclus, Statler and Waldorf as Priam and Paris, Janice as Helen, and Piggy as Athena. Odyssey: Sweetums as Odysseus, Piggy as Penelope, Uncle Deadly as Laertes, and Beaker as Calypso. These would all be fantastic with that Muppet magic. 241021Wireless earpods have many advantages over wired earpods. They're more convenient and easier to use, there's less wire-snagging, less wire-tangling, much less movement restriction away from the sound source. There is, however, one thing that wired earpods have a distinct advantage in. They are much more romantic than wireless earpods. If inamoratos want to share music with wired earpods, then they each grab a pod and they can walk around, sit on separate side of the room, go to the kitchen for snacks, and generally have distance between them. With wired earpods, there is no such distance. Each person gets a pod and they have to stay close together. There is no wandering, there is no distancing, they are at an almost-required touching distance that is much more intimate. Wireless certainly has its advantages, but wired music has the upper hand in romance. 241020The favorite instrument of guitarists in Middle Earth is the Radagaster. 241019Class reunions were invented by the popular as a means of atonement towards the unpopular. 241018Cellular and WIFI networks were developed by the NSA in order to allow their Shredded Document Initiative (SDI) to spread throughout the world. They have embedded fast scanners in document shredders so that documents may be scanned just before they are shredded. Then, the scanned documents are transmitted back to the depths of the NSA over cellular or WIFI networks, where they are checked for "problems" and then sent to the massive SDI databases that NSA has maintained for many years. 241018Cellular and WIFI networks were developed by the NSA in order to allow their Shredded Document Initiative (SDI) to spread throughout the world. They have embedded fast scanners in document shredders so that documents may be scanned just before they are shredded. Then, the scanned documents are transmitted back to the depths of the NSA over cellular or WIFI networks, where they are checked for "problems" and then sent to the massive SDI databases that NSA has maintained for many years. 241017It is difficult to pack for a trip because there are so many possibilities. What luggage do I need? What clothes will I need? What's the weather going to be like? Of all the things in my house, which of them do I feel I need to bring with me on this trip, and how will the selected ones be packed? On the other hand, packing to return home is a breeze. You know what luggage you have, so you don't have to choose among all your bags. You have already selected the possessions to bring on the trip, so you know what you have to repack. The hard part is mashing all your on-trip possessions into your selected luggage. It's so much easier to come home than it is to leave. 241016Aggravated assault sounds like justifiable hitting, rather than a criminal offense. "But officer, I had to punch him! He really aggravated me!" "Okay ma'am, we'll let it go this one time." 241015There was a tragic accident at the circus, and 180 clowns died in a pachyderm-poop accident. It was an economical funeral though, as they only needed 12 coffins and just one hearse. 241014When you have no net connectivity and are without email, you can say you're emailsculated. 241013High-stakes gamblers have to have good control of their Vegas nerve. 241012I don't believe people should engage in cow-tipping. Not only do the cows rarely do anything deserving of it, they don't have pockets to put the tips in. 241011Our icemaker has been acting up lately -- freezing over and not producing ice. Just before going away for a long weekend, Jo defrosted it and cleared out all the ice. The icemaker then sat unused and unbothered for five days. A few hours after we got back, we heard the distinctive ka-chunk! of ice dropping from the icemaker into the ice bin. It worked! Jo fixed the icemaker by warming it up and then letting it sit idle, growing colder, for a long time. Jo fixed the icemaker with a cold boot. 241010Designers of the Moon and Mars landers have missed a wonderful opportunity. Rather than having regular, generic tracks on the landers' wheels, they should have made wheels that left footprints. 241009The word ultracrepidarian means, "a person who expresses opinions and pontificates on things outside their expertise". The "ultra" prefix indicates that there are various degrees and sorts of crepidarianism. A medialcrepidarian, or just crepidarian, is a person who expresses opinions within their area of expertise. A subcrepidarian is a person who doesn't express opinions on matters within their expertise. It can also be combined with other words, as well. A commentatocrepidarian is a news commentator who only discusses matters they understand. An antidisestablishmentultracrepidarian is a person who pontificates against the disestablishment of the Church of England. And an ultratatercrepidarian is a hobbit.Word Week 7 241008Hwæt. Thus starts "Beowulf", and thus starts a lot of academic discussion on how to translate a single word. It is assumed to be a way of getting control of the conversation, so the speaker can start telling the tale of Beowulf. Some of translations are "Hark!", "Lo!", "Hey there", "So", and "Bro". "Bro" was used by Maria Headley as the narrator's means of asserting control of the conversation, but still staying on friendly terms with the audience. This reminds me of the way storytellers would start tales, back in my days as a medieval recreationist. The common phrase then was, "No shit, there we were." I think that works nicely as a start to Beowulf.Word Week 7 241007I find it interesting the way "refrigerator" is shortened to "fridge". I feel like whoever invented this abbreviation started by shortening the original word in half to "frig", from 12 letters down to four letters. Then he decided that was maybe going too far, so he had to insert some letters back. This lunatic then inserted a letter that didn't even appear in the original word. It's madness, chaos! -- but it does end up with a lovely new word.Word Week 7 241006The word feckless means ineffective or incompetent. It logically follows that dropping the suffix must mean that feck is defined as effective or competent. Another form of feck is as an adjective or participle, which imbues sentences with a sense of effectiveness or competence. This should help us understand that people are commenting on effectiveness when they call you a fecking idiot or a fecking gobshite, or if they fecking swear about something.Word Week 7 241005After a caterpillar enters a cocoon to turn into a butterfly, the caterpillar essentially melts, simmers for a while, then thickens and condenses into a butterfly. All those actions are common actions in cooking. It seems that a more appropriate spelling of "cocoon" would be "cookoon".Word Week 7 241004Several ancient cultures talk of one's fate being woven on a loom. The word "loom" is also used to talk about something rising up before one in an intimidating manner. It would be very interesting if the second use arose from the first -- your fate is on the loom, and the cloth of your life is rising up before you.Word Week 7 241003The word "behoove" is a very useful, self-referential word. "Behoove" means that something is important for one to do. Hooves are what you call the feet that horses, mules, and donkeys run and walk on. If you are pretentious enough to use "behoove" in a sentence, then it behooves you to run away from the people you're talking to before they kick your ass.Word Week 7 241002If you think of the Sun as a campfire, then solar winds of gamma rays are the smoke that occasionally blows on you and gets in your eyes and lungs. Except, instead of just getting smoke in your eyes, the gamma winds give genetic mutations, cancer, and death. 241001In recent years, new and improved telescopes usually have come from poorer astronomers; they have Hubble beginnings.

September, 2024 240930Doomsday weapons in movies always have fatal flaws. There's always an unshielded exhaust port or an emergency switch or a disgruntled minion or... something. People say, "If I was designing a Doomsday weapon, I would never leave a fatal flaw, I'd always make sure the Doomsday weapon would work." I think that the universe has other plans. No matter how diligent evil Doomsday designers are, I think the universe will always leave room for the Good Guys to save the day. 240929Cryptographers' favorite holiday is Chranksgiving. They like to eat lots of curkey and love the rush they get from cryptophan. 240928Can you really consider yourself an archeologist if no one has ever told you in an ominous voice, "Some things are better left not dug up"? 240927Modern cellphones have innards that sense movement and positioning. I think phones should be programmed to detect when caller A on a non-video call nods their head, and then tell the other phone that caller A nodded. The receiving phone could then inform caller B about the nod, thus passing additional context about the call's communications. This could be extended to other things as well -- head shakes, smiles, frowns, perplexed and incredulous looks. Richer communications could thus happen when video calls are impossible or not desired. 240926I wonder how much our selection of serving utensils has guided the types of foods we serve in a meal. Have we culturally adapted to only having one slotted spoon so we only prepare one dish per meal that needs a slotted spoon. Do we only have two sides because we can only get two serving spoons? We only have one bowl of soup because we only get one ladle, and only soup or a ladled dish, again because we only have that one ladle. It really seems our meals are controlled by utensil manufacturers. 240925I've seen videos of parrot flocks in the wild. It's very awe-inspiring to see large numbers of these magnificent birds flying around, living in forests, sitting on tree branches, and walking up cliff faces. It must be an enormous job spreading out fresh newspapers on the forest floor and then gathering up the dirty papers every day, all in the name of tidying up after these parrot flocks. But it's worth it. 240924The shows I watched as a kid convinced me that adulthood would involve a lot more crawling around in air ducts than I've actually experienced. That's probably for the best, considering that air ducts are almost always much smaller in real life than in shows. 240923Every year, sharks look forward to a special week. A week where they can kick back with some beers and watch shows about the most fearsome predators in the air. Sharks have week-long binges of fishing shows, watching humans go hunting for fish. Stalking and hooking and terrorizing and killing the poor, innocent denizens of the deep. The vicious humans catch fish indiscriminately, sometimes eating them, sometimes ripping the hooks out of their mouths and throwing the fish back. Sharks might think there was some element of safety since humans live up in the air, but humans make brief forays Down Below, always to catch and tyrannize the Wet Folk. 240922In a surprise move, a horse has been hired to play for a professional football team. He'll be playing hoofback. 240921It's funny how the sharper a new knife is, the more intense the desire to play with it and test the edge. 240920Shark Week. Shark Week, Shark Week, Shark Week. I'm tired of hearing about Shark Week. l want to have Porcupine Week. I want to see porkies waddling around, investigating this, climbing on that, throwing quills at marauding predators, eating banana chunks. You might not need a big cage to protect you from the porkies, but you do gotta watch the quills. 240919There is another magic spell, just as simple as the last one. It can be just as life-changing and world-changing as the last spell, sometimes even more so. This magic spell also only has two words, but it can be so much more difficult to cast. It is "I'm sorry." 240918There is a magic spell, a simple magic spell. It can change moods, it can change outlooks. It can change hearts, it can change minds. However, it can be ignored and not everyone is susceptible to it. But it is powerful and it can change the world. This magic spell is simple to cast, and it is only two words. It is "Thank you." 240917When Orpheus went to Hades to save Eurydice, he was turned away several times before he finally could get in. On his first attempt, he was playing his lyre. The beautiful music caused him to be turned away before he even entered the cave. He came back with his psaltery, and that got him as far as the banks of the Styx before he was turned away. On his third attempt, Orpheus was playing his claw banjo. That got him across the Styx, but then two out of three of Cerberus' heads couldn't abide the banjo and he was turned away yet again. On his fourth, and successful, attempt, Orpheus pulled out all the stops and played his bagpipe through the cave, across the Styx, past the now-cowering Cerberus, and was able to get to Hades to demand the return of his wife. To rid his domain of the bagpipe, Hades agreed to release Eurydice, and the lovers began their return trip. It was Eurydice who looked back, hoping for a respite from the pipe that caused her to have to remain in Hades. 240916I have a feeling the original title of the planning document for Project 2025 was actually "The Necronomicon". 240915When the first comedian to perform off-planet does their first show, I will bet good money that one of the first things they say is, "Anyone from out of town?" 240914So many time-travel movies and shows end up on the Titanic, I think the universe is trying to tell us something. I think there must be a major temporal event there, one which attracts time travellers, whether they want it or not. Maybe the sinking of the Titanic is of such existential significance that the event is in a temporal loop, waiting for some highly skilled -- or just lucky -- time traveller to break the loop and let the true events finally break free and play out the way they need to. 240913When I make my veggie-based retelling of Tolkien -- which I'll call Lord of the Onion Rings -- the hobbits will be played by garbanzo beans and the ents will be played by broccoli. Gandalf will be played by garlic, because garlic is just inherently magic. Gimli will be played by a potato, of course, Legolas by an ear of corn, Aragorn by a carrot, and Boromir by cauliflower. And could Gollum be anything but a brussels sprout? 240912When I was young, I thought that candy should accompany a movie. It usually didn't for economic reasons, but it was a special movie when we could get candy. We usually had to settle for some non-chocolate candy. If we were lucky, maybe a Hershy's bar or a small bag of M&Ms. The rarest of the rare, the candy that only happened two or three times in my first 20 years, were the glorious, exalted, candy most high, Sno-Caps. Since they are also called nonpareils, even the name extolled their wonder. As an adult, I know they were just jazzed-up crunchy chocolate chips, but as a child... As a child, I knew that if I could get a box of Sno-Caps, the movie was going to be incredible, elevated to greatness by the Sno-Caps. 240911Doctor's notes are the modern equivalent of indulgences. 240910The most-failed wannabe Sith ever is the Sun. It is forever trying to go to the Dark Side, but it never gets there. 240909My stress level has been such that just about the only thing I could handle was scrolling through a bunch of mindless memes. Things have gotten to the point where even a bunch of dumb memes require too much thought. 240908I am baffled as to how someone with such a meagre understanding of technology can wreak such havoc with a single TV remote. 240907Liver. It was always liver. Day in, day out, liver, liver, liver. I wonder if the eagle that ate Prometheus' liver ever got tired of liver. Maybe the eagle occasionally took a bite of kidney, or a nip of spleen or heart. Surely it had a little something extra, just to relieve the gastronomic boredom. 240906There is always a moment of quiet, naive bliss between when you run a computer command and when you realize you absolutely should not have run that command. 240905I've seen people not complain about being rejected based on hair color or eye color, but get extremely insulted when they're rejected due to tattoos or piercings. I think the difference is that they can't control hair color or eye color, but the tattoos and piercings are a personal choice. They feel that they've been judged and rejected based on something they wanted to do, rather than something beyond their control. 240904You can get an idea of how seriously someone takes Ouija boards by how they pronounce the name. If they call it a "Weejee" board, they probably don't take it seriously at all. Malign spirits from the vasty deep find particularly tasty those who call it a Weejee board. 240903Chickens never do things half-assed. They always bring their egg-game. 240902I have a feeling that there's a secret marketplace for the rich, where they buy and sell people. Not literal buying and selling and ownership, but figurative buying and selling and ownership, where people are effectively counters in some game beyond my understanding. Rich people actually do own and sell and trade real athletes, so to relax they have a plebeian rotisserie league where they track the exultations and tribulations of regular people. How do the rich people track a regular person's exultations and tribulations? Well, if you have to ask, then you clearly are a trackee and not a tracker. 240901When I was in 6th grade, my teacher would occasionally give us word-search handouts, undoubtedly as a time-filler and not with any actual learning component. I was really good at them, even though they didn't contribute to learning. The real result was that the word-search puzzles gave me good training for playing Boggle,

August, 2024 240831I started my kid on swimming lessons at the newly re-opened swimming pool. I had to do it, rather than my wife, because they took place at the ex-Y. 240830If "Wizard of Oz" took place now, then Dorothy would have sailed away into the tornado on her family's backyard trampoline, and the trampoline would have been what killed the Wicked Witch of the East. 240829It seems every day now, there's another musician demanding that Trump's campaign stop using their music at his campaign events. I think the campaign would have no problems getting permission from the Beatles to use their "I'm a Loser". 240828A lot of memes have been made showing a movie superhero in what's known as the "superhero landing". In this, a superhero is standing hunched over, with one hand and two feet or knees on the ground. It's an iconic, powerful image of strength. A subset of these memes is a side-by-side pairing of a superhero in a superhero landing and squirrels in superhero landings. The squirrels are then said to be doing the superhero landing. The thing is, though, that squirrels have been around a lot longer than superheroes, especially longer than superhero movies, and most especially longer then the superhero landing in superhero movies. The reality is that superheroes are doing the < i>squirrel landing. By logical extension, it follows that squirrels are the original superheroes. 240827In ancient times, towns in Campania, Italy, competed in an annual floor-is-lava tournament. Different towns won the title, but Pompeii was always dead last every year. At one point, the Pompeiians decided that they would rectify this and started an intensive, town-wide training plan so they could finally win the title. On the fateful day that Mt. Vesuvius erupted, the Pompeiians had plenty of warning from their town heralds. "The volcano is erupting! The lava is coming!" Unfortunately, the Pompeiians had gotten so good at the floor-is-lava game that everyone instinctively jumped up on their couches and tables, instead of fleeing and saving their lives, resulting in the destruction of the town and widespread loss of life. 240826When the temperatures hit the extremes, the Fahrenheit scale shows its true value. If you go with the "F" abbreviation, it helps in stressing just how hot or cold it is. "It's 108 F'in' degrees out there. I'm gonna die if I have to go out for even just a minute." "I froze my nuts off! It's -20 F'in' degrees outside!" 240825American football players are the only modern profession whose work uniform includes knickers. 240824The concept of chocolate bloom was created as an excuse to eat a bunch of "old" chocolate before it goes "bad". 240823Muzzy-headed as I am when I first wake up, I can do all sorts of calculus and higher maths then but only in working out calculations on snooze-alarm times. 240822I'm thinking of getting a new doctor. My current doctor doesn't trust x-rays, and I'm getting really tired of having to grab those two electrical wires whenever he needs to see inside me. 240821Sandpaper is a versatile tool for working and changing wood. Sandpaper can rough up wood, and it can smooth it down. Sandpaper can add subtle changes to the shape of a piece of wood, and it can drastically change the shape wood. I was thinking about books, and wondered if we were like sandpaper to the books we read. Our reading a book may take some of the layers from the book's meaning, shape a book's course, smooth a book's passage. Then I realized I had it completely backwards. Books change the texture of our minds. Books rough up our thinking; books smooth out our thinking. Books change our minds in subtle ways; books change the topology and geometry of our minds. Books are sandpaper for our minds. 240820Sometimes when I go to the kitchen for a snack, I don't know if I'm actually hungry or if my mouth is just lonely or bored. 240819Dinosaurs never were much for texting. Not having opposable thumbs, they found it quite inconvenient and frustrating. 240818Whenever Jo leaves me to write down the daily bird counts on her list, I fear that if I don't put a comma at the end of a bird's entry that that's the last time we'll see that bird that month. 240817Witches used to have the extremely convenient flying broomstick as their primary mode of transport. Fly here, fly there, no need to feed, always available right at hand -- so much more convenient than wrestling a horse into obedience or taking a bus. As they entered the modern age of consumer-grade robotics, witches decided they needed to move past the convenience of the flying broomstick and find another method of transport. They knew that if they didn't, they'd be stuck riding around on slow, meandering, awkward Roombas. 240816In long ages past, we would joke about fake assembler instructions. One of these was the fabled DWIM instruction, which stood for Do What I Mean. It was an instruction we longed for, since it would solve all our problems. "dwimmer" is the Middle English word that means "illusion". The similarity between DWIM and dwimmer is a useful lesson that shows it's merely an illusion if you think the computer is doing what you want it to do. 240815When you accidentally hit the snooze button, you should be legally required to sleep those exrra minutes. 240814The real reason Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons had that extremely prominent brow ridge was to provide a nice barrier to keep shampoo from getting in their eyes. 240813Led Zeppelin, an acclaimed British blues band, is roots music to heavy metal. 240812Today was National Middle Child Day. It went unrecognized and uncelebrated.
Again. 240811Logic, facts, and math have no chance against someone with a faulty memory and a stubborn attitude. 240810I'd love to see the Olympics incorporate an interdisciplinary relay race. Start with the relay team, they hand the baton off to a skateboarder, who zooms away and passes the baton to a kayaker, who boats the baton down a river and passes it to a javelin thrower, who trots off and throws the baton to an equestrienne, who... With good geography and even better planning, this race could include just about all the sports represented at the Olympics. 240809My one big fear is that tornados and earthquakes and hurricanes are watching and know when I'm in the shower or on the toilet or otherwise "indisposed", and will intentionally select those moments as the time to blast my location. 240808As people age, their brains tend to work slower. This isn't to say they are dumber, just that they don't process as quickly as when they were younger. Consequently, older people tend to hear slower and speak slower. Elderly folks also tend to prefer warmer weather, and so they often migrate to the regions closer to the equator. This abundance of slow-speaking elderly in the southern parts of the US is why Southerners in general have a reputation for being slow-talking people. 240807I'd like to get little masks with crazy googally eyes and fangs, and put them on plants that are growing in sidewalk cracks. They'd look like insane little plant monsters, climbing up out of the depths from whence they had been trapped in a prison of cement. 240806I know you never try to grab a spinning propeller. It's moving too fast and you won't be able to grab hold; plus, it'll cut your arms and hands off. However, I wonder what would happen if you had hold of it before it started spinning. Maybe you could hang on then? If you had a tight enough grip, maybe it would spin you around like a carnival ride? Maybe it'd be lots of fun before it threw you 20 yards and you broke your neck? 240805When I was a kid, I always wanted to go to the bank's drive-through window with my parents. I loved Star Trek and I loved the teleporters, and to my child's mind the bank's pneumatic tubes were the teleporter technology we had. 240804If I was a multiple gold medallist, I'd sing different verses to the national anthem during each subsequent medal ceremony. It would confuse lip-readers and teammates standing beside me. 240803When Dad says to me, "You're dressed nicely tonight", what I hear is, "You usually look like a slob." 240802I love the faked unaware look people put on when they're taking a selfie and trying to appear as if they're just sitting there, not taking a selfie. They get extra points when they clearly have an arm snaking out of frame to hold the camera. 240801It's funny that when Donald Duck gets out of the bath he wraps a towel around himself, but when he gets out of a lake he goes completely towelless. There must be something different between tap water and real water.

July, 2024 240731I think it'd be cool to have balloon-animal making as a new Olympic sport. It would have worked well this year as an exhibition sport, but unfortunately Paris decided to go with Street Mimery. 240730The news is so depressing now that it's often hard to watch. It'd make it a bit cheerier if the news shows would start using a laugh track. 240729In times of financial woe, you can maintain a positive outlook by a simple word replacment. Whenever you hear the word "money", change it for the word "monkey". "It's like monkeys in the bank." "Bitch, where's my monkey?" "Shake your monkey maker.". "SHOW ME THE MONKEY!". Instantly your cares and concerns start flowing away, bringing on a sense of peace and serenity. 240728Since the Olympics is essentially a bunch of countries competing against each other, it seems that Switzerland is violating its neutrality by participating. 240727The Rubik's Cube is solved by twisting it around until each side is all the same color. I've invented a version for dogs, where they solve it by twisting it around until each side has all the same smell. 240726When Hungary hosted the Olympics in 1888, the torch was carried through all its provinces. When the torch got to Transylvania, the peasants saw a man running down the road carrying a lit torch, and out of habit joined in, carrying pitchforks and torches of their own. 240725People think that grills and hairtraps and things in drains are to catch the hair and stuff from going down into the drainpipes. While that is a helpful side effect, they are much more important than that. These trapping mechanisms function to keep the pipemonsters from extending up out of the pipes and into our homes. Whenever you see a clump of hair caught in one of these traps, 84% of the time, it is a pipemonster extending itself up and out of the drainpipe, trying to take form Up Here. The traps and grills ensure that pipemonsters can only put forth a small amount of themselves at a time, and so they have an extremely difficult time coalescing into the larger threats they can become. 240724"I want a snack. I think I'm going to have a mélange of egg and peanut oil, enhanced with a light dusting of gentle spices. Maybe I'll add a bit of curry powder, or tarragon and rosemary, to lightly enhance the flavor."
"You're going to go eat a bowl of mayonnaise, aren't you?" 240723Whenever I read a news story about the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), I always misread it as the NRBQ (New Rhythm and Blues Quartet) and it seems they have gone well past what is expected of a music group. 240722Most toasters are binary devices -- they have an on/off switch, and they're either toasting or they aren't. Sure, they have a control for how light or dark the toast is, but that's just shading the on/off switch. I want a toaster that combines both controls. You turn on the toaster by pushing the bar down. The further down you push the lever, the longer the toaster is on and the darker the toast gets. It's an intuitive, simple control for a simple machine. 240721Q: When is a fart not a fart?
A: When it's a carrier wave, acting as a transportation medium for... Other Things. 240720Dunder Mifflin is a fictional company created for "The Office" TV show. However, given all the t-shirts, mugs, and other merchandise with the Dunder Mifflin logo, the fictional company actually generates a real-world profit. 240719Dancing started as a communal form of squashing grapes for wine. 240718According to the myths, Thor liked to feast and hit things, so his favorite tool was a hammer. Loki's favorite tool must have been a screwdriver. 240717It has been said that redheads don't have souls. This raises the important question of whether redheaded woodpeckers have souls.Bird Week 6 240716Thunderbirds should be called voltures.Bird Week 6 240715I feel sorry for hawks. They go sit on a branch, just sitting there chilling, as hawks like to do, and then a bunch of crows arrive and start harassing the hawk and cawing and raising a ruckus. The hawk flies off to another tree and the crows follow, squawking and haranguing all the way. Hawks just don't get much time for peace and sitting quietly in a tree. I expect hawks think that sitting quietly on a branch sounds like crows.Bird Week 6 240714When crows find a hawk sitting quietly in a tree, they put in a lot of effort to torment the hawk. The crows will start harassing the hawk and cawing and raising a ruckus. When the hawk flies off to another tree, the crows will follow, squawking and haranguing all the way. They will even chase the hawk a good long distance, flying up to and almost colliding with the hawk. It seems that the crows will individually get bored of chasing a hawk. A gang of crows will fly along, harassing a hawk. Then one or two will peel away and fly off alone. Usually, another crow or two will have joined the gang, so it's not like the crow numbers really diminish. At some point, the crows stop chasing the hawk, but it seems like most of the original gang has been replaced by others. I think crows have developed the concept of tag-teaming an opponent. Given their collective noun, crows have developed the concept of tag-murdering an opponent.Bird Week 6 240713Bluejays really want to be mimids, as evidenced by their attempts to imitate other birds. They aren't allowed in the club because bluejay imitations aren't good enough for mimids, and because bluejay coloration is just too gaudy and attention-grabbing, as opposed to the understated greys and browns of the actual mimids.Bird Week 6 240712It's a long-lived myth that you shouldn't touch baby birds lest their parents abandon them. Parent birds care for their babies and will fight to protect them. Unless you take a baby bird out drinking and the parent birds find out. That's when the parent birds abandon their babies.Bird Week 6 240711There's a small bird that builds its nest out of coins and paper money. It is a numismatit.Bird Week 6 240710Hotdogs and hamburgers are an art form. Hotdogs and hamburgers are a blank canvas which the artist transforms into an ephemeral work of art. Each person is themself transformed into an artist as they take a palette of condiments, garnishes, and toppings to paint and sculpt their personal culinary masterpiece.Food Week 30 240709Many electrons have died in the online wars over whether or not a hotdog is a sandwich. For those who believe hotdogs are sandwiches, they must also believe that a pizza is an open-faced sandwich. Once you understand that truth, you must also acknowledge that nachos are a plate full of single-serving open-face sandwiches.Food Week 30 240708When I was growing up, it was the height of cooking to spread crumbled potato chips over a casserole. Oh, you knew you were in for something special when that chip bag was opened. In time, that era of cooking passed and has fallen into disuse. In the years since, there has been a renaissance of chip experimentation. There are now so many different types of chips made -- dill chips, jalapeño chips, pickled onion chips, crab chips, mayo chips, cheese chips. All the different types of chips we now have exponentially increase the possibilities, and chip-topped casseroles are now their own cuisine. With so many different flavors we are now poised on the cusp of the Golden Age of chip-topped casseroles.Food Week 30 240707It is widely known that Hell smells really bad, as a result of an overabundance of sulphur. The natives are always on the look-out for some way to vent some of that sulphur gas out into other realms. Eggs contain sulphur compounds that are released into the air when the eggs are heated. The sulphur compounds act as a link, connecting eggs back to their Infernal origins. Some forms of boiled eggs are tempting, extremely tempting, and it can be very difficult to just eat one. This is the real reason that they are called Deviled Eggs.Food Week 30 240706When you're making a sandwich, you just slap some lunchmeat between two pieces of bread and you're pretty much done. However, you can get creative with a substitution or two and end up with something even better. If you eat a few pieces of plain lunchmeat, then you can follow that with a couple brownies and essentially you have had a sandwich.Food Week 30 240705Scottish oatmeal is a really good, filling meal. However, it's really sticky and a strong, concentrated stream of water is required to clean the dishes. Some less bright people have trouble remembering to eat their porridge before washing their dishes, so they have a simple mantra as a reminder for how things work: Brose Before Hose.Food Week 30 240704When I was young, I wanted pancakes that were drenched in syrup. No light dousing for me, I wanted them swimming. My mother, however, had other ideas, and wanted me to go nice and easy on the syrup. I would do that, but then try to secretly sneak more syrup onto my plate. I would always try to have my pancakes syruptitiously.Food Week 30 240703In the murky past, monsters roamed the land and the sea. Castle moats were the primary gateways between our world and the monsters' home world. As we entered the ages of rationality and science, the monsters started withdrawing to their own world and the gateways quietly closed for good. Now, there aren't many monsters left here at all and the remaining gateways are closing down as the moats dry up. It won't be long before the monsters are gone for good. 240702The Empire is much easier to understand when you realize that Darth Vader is the head of the Emperor's HR department. 240701Corporate sponsorship has invaded society and can be found in many areas. Stadiums, parades, concerts, bowl games, they are pervasive. There's no reason the National Weather Service, NOAA, and their subordinate agencies shouldn't get involved with this and license corporate sponsorship for various weather events. How about the Crate & Barrel Hurricane? Or the Great Disney Snowmageddon? Or the Pace Picante El Niño? These sponsorship fees could help pay for the damage the weather events inflict.

June, 2024 240630Humans have the hunter/gatherer instincts deeply embedded, from millennia of hunting and gathering. These instincts have manifested in various ways over the centuries. For a long time, it was thought that men were primarily hunters and women were primarily gatherers. Recent research has shown that this is not as hard and fast as was once thought, with both sexes engaging in both activities as required. This is obvious in our culture in an unexpected, though obvious, way. Both men and women participate in big seasonal sales in stores and find them so satisfying because they allow modern humans to combine both hunting and gathering activities into a single activity. This satisfies both needs and provides fulfillment to multiple parts of the brain at once. 240629I experienced a minor bit of sexism at a young age. I learned about Sweet Sixteen parties and thought that, of course, they'd be held for everyone. I eventually learned that wasn't true and only girls had them. I managed to survive the loss, but I was a little disappointed. 240628I have always liked abacuses. I like sliding the beads around. I like the clink as the beads collide. I like stacking the beads up in long rows. I can't actually use an abacus, but I like to mess around with them for the tactile and aural experience. I think people who wear beaded clothes sense this in me. I think they must see a veiled crazed look in my eyes, or my twitching fingers, or maybe I just exude a sense of bead mania. In any event, for some reason the bead people never hang around long once I see their beads. 240627Pink cherry blossoms bring the gentle warmth of Spring. Red tomatoes bring the fiery heat of Summer. Yellow corn brings the diminishing warmth of Autumn. Pale buckberries bring the cold of Winter. Follow the fruit and you'll find the weather. 240626For many years, I thought the painting (known as The Hermit) inside Led Zeppelin's fourth album was actually a drawing of Gandalf. I tried to find that scene in The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings books, but somehow was never able to do so. 240625According to classical medicine, moods, behavior, and emotions were influenced by the four humours. These were affected by four bodily fluids: blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. I'm glad that classical medicine didn't survive into the time of blood donation. If it had, then in addition to blood drives we might also have phlegm drives and two types of bile drives. That's just too much fluid extraction for me. 240624As people age, their thought processes tend to firm up. They have an increasingly difficult time taking in new concepts as their thinking calcifies and becomes more petrified. This is because the medulla oblongata, a critical portion of the brain, is slowly replaced by another organ, the medusa oblongata. 2406231 Samual chapter 18 starts, "After David had finished talking with Saul..." There's an assumption that this follows immediately from the end of chapter 17, where David and Saul first meet. There are any number of things they could have discussed at this meeting, which undoubtedly included David having just killed Goliath. Right after this discussion, David and Saul's son Jonathan formed a deep friendship. I think part of this came from David and Saul's conversation, where I think Saul gave them his blessing to form a garage band -- David on harp and Jonathan on drums. For some inexplicable reason, they named their group Caveman. 240622People like to pretend to weather wisdom and humor by saying, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity.". So many people trot out that old truism that it's lost its humor. It is, however, a true truism. Even though it is just water, humidity has a much lower boiling point than regular water. Much lower. So, when it gets really hot out, and the humidity is really high, and you're feeling like a lobster, it's because the weather is boiling you alive. 240621I've got a new sport that should be included in the Winter Olympics. It's called Penguirling. It's just like Curling, but instead of using the stone, you use a penguin that's lying flat on its belly. 240620A lot of a parent's job is to help their child grow into adulthood, balancing off swooping in to save the child and letting the child make mistakes and learn. I think at some point, my parents sort of threw up their hands and said, "Welp, we did our best, now Jo's got to deal with it." 240619When caterpillars metamorphose into butterflies, they start by spinning a cocoon around themselves. While all snuggly in their self-spun blankie, they essentially melt into goo and then the goo reforms into the adult butterfly that eventually emerges from the cocoon. This is a pretty good description of what happens with humans during puberty -- our brains melt into goo and we hope they reform into a beautiful, lovely adult brain. However, we aren't too anxious for the reconstituted brain to actually emerge from its casing. 240618Whenever I eat chex mix, I feel like the hot girl on a dating app. I get to pick and choose what I take and what I leave behind. 240617Order and chaos. Science and Magic. Since Science is the orderly world of reproducible results, Magic must be the chaotic world of irreproducible results. Trying to reproduce the irreproducibility of Magic falls into the realm of Science, and mixing the two can give dangerous, explosive results. 240616When they're upset or scared, such as during beak and nail trimming, the birds get all the crap scared out of them. Except they don't. They seem to have an endless supply of crap stored up for these moments. It's amazing how much crap they can produce. 240615I'm wanting to find a Friend With Benefits, because my tooth is really hurting and I can't afford a dentist myself. 240614The Green Bank Telescope, in West Virginia, is the world's largest fully steerable radio telescope. I think it would be really cool if the controls were set up to be accessible over the internet. Telescope control would become a democratic process; science be damned, the telescope would be used to look at what the majority of people wanted to see. 240613Cars have fairly specific warning lights, not to mention the diagnostic ports you can plug special computers into to get detailed analysis of problems. It would be really nice if our bodies had those warning lights or that diagnostic port. 240612I think aging is the ongoing process of each of our body parts deciding they want to check in with the brain and let the brain know they're still there. Our body parts, being kind of dumb, only know how to communicate using pain. 240611One of the advantages of growing up near Colonial Williamsburg is that I learned a lot about the methodologies used by archaeologists. One of these was that archaeologists like to find middens, which is a fancy word for trash piles, to examine what was used and thrown away. Archaeologists learn a lot about settlements and cultures by digging up the trash. For this reason, whenever we clean out old food from the fridge or the pantry, I have a hankering to start a midden of our very own out behind the house. Future archaeologists -- nay, all future societies -- would thank me. 240610As a kid, I always loved the massive 64-crayon box of Crayolas. So many different shades, so many different colors. A multitude of colors for bringing subtle shading and nuance to my amazing art. Except for one. What on earth was "Burnt Umber"? What could it possibly be used for, and why did Crayola bother to include it in an otherwise magical collection of colors. Then I started playing Dungeons & Dragons, and was introduced to one of its monsters, the Umber Hulk. The Umber Hulk. My artistic life was now complete. 240609One reason why Jurassic Park tolerated the hyper-annoying Dennis Nedry is that he was always the back-up plan if the killer dinosaurs got loose. He'd be slower than everyone else, he'd be a super-sized meal for the dinos, and no one would miss him after he was eaten. 240608Buried deep in the primal psyche of Men is the need to pee off poop stains from the sides of the toilet bowl. Men are honor bound to try to remove poop with our pee. As men age, the strength of men's pee streams grows weaker and weaker. This diminished pee capacity inhibits men's ability to fulfill their primal function. When men can't pee away the poop stains, their feelings of fulfillment and sense of purpose in life grow smaller and smaller until the men are left feeling completely ineffectual and lost. All the bitterness and anger stereotypically displayed by aging men is therefore attributable to the diminished strength of their pee streams. 240607Q: Wny are marsupials always found guilty of crimes?
A: Because they're always brought to a kangaroo court.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240606Q: What is a cryptologist's favorite pastry?
A: Enclair.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240605Russia's rulers are buried in czarcophaguses. Also, Russia has a specialist that handles these burials. They have a czarcopha-guy.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240604Go to OnlyFins and PrawnHub for your raw fish action, where the shellfish take off all the shells.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240603A baby represents the new year because in both cases you're waiting for the balls to drop.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240602An illegitimate chef is called a bastered.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week 240601Water Strider is just the bug's colloquial nickname. Its formal name is Aqua Aragorn.Stepson of Dumb Joke Week

May, 2024 240531Experiential Landmarks are wonderful things. "Turn left at the street where Tom's dog saved the baby bunny." Experiential Landmarks bring history alive. "Go down the road where Mary cut down that second pine tree." Experiential Landmarks make navigation a nightmare. "Slow down when you pass the place those three young men got in a knife fight for Mary's hand." Experiential Landmarks add depth and flavor to one's understanding of a place. Having a map of Experiential Landmarks would be a real treasure, but it would be quite difficult to design and create such a map, even if a magic computer was used. But we can dream, we can dream. 240530When I was a kid, whenever we travelled through South Carolina, I always always wanted to stop at the South of the Border tourist trap. We never stopped. My Border longing was unrequited. Now, as an adult, I have no interest in stopping there; it just looks tawdry and seedy. I guess my perspective shifted as I grew up, but I also wonder if I have lost something. 240529In spy books and movies, spies always have an emergency go-bag they can grab when they have to disappear at a second's notice. The go-bag, inevitably small and easy to hide, has the bare essentials required to survive until the next chapter or reel. Having spent lots of time packing for brief trips and excursions, I am baffled as to how those spies manage with a go-bag the size of a piccolo case and not one as big as a tuba. 240528Iron is essential in making hemoglobin, a protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen around the body. Without the iron, there would be nothing to carry the oxygen in the blood. It is widely known that fae can't touch iron, that it will severely injure them, if not kill them. The only way the fae could have iron in their blood is if they weren't injured or killed by it. How then does their blood work? What in their blood composition carries the oxygen around the fae bodies to keep them alive? I think fae blood is composed of throngs of incredibly tiny micro-fae that are doing this critical work. This task of blood delivery is carried out by hordes of hemogoblins. 240527The newton is the standard unit of force, officially defined by acceleration of kilogram masses, and was named for Isaac Newton. However, the official definition was a retcon to the real definition, which measures the force required to accelerate a fig newton to have the same impact as an apple dropped ten feet onto one's head. 240526I've long wondered just what was the function of the Holy Spirit. I have heard several ideas over the years, but nothing that really made enough sense to stick in mind. Singing the Doxology today, I finally understood. There's the line, "Praise Holy Spirit, Comforter." A comforter is a big fluffy blanket that you wrap around yourself, it keeps you warm and secure, and makes you feel that everything will be okay. The Doxology told me that the Holy Spirit is a big spiritual blanket that wraps around and enfolds you, and keeps you spiritually warm and secure, and helps you feel that everything will be okay. 240525I was ordering something online and I got one of those "Are You A Robot?" things. It stopped me dead in my tracks. Am I a robot? How would I know? I think I'm human, but I've never seen inside myself. Devices can show us our innards, but surely the output or monitors can be jiggered to show us something other than reality. Some quantum philosophers have claimed that our universe is a simulation, so maybe that means I am a robot, an automaton, or at least a little subprocess running on some minor server somewhere. How can I ever answer that question again? 240524Dogs are the common, current-day embodiment of God's grace. 240523Usually, when someone farts in public people will quietly laugh behind their hands and lower the person's Time Until Shun Hour score. It would be kinder and more polite if people would say, "Bless you" or "Gesundtoot" instead, and make people feel more accepted for their bodily symphony. 240522Fungus and microbes and other organisms are very opportunistic. They move in and start eating our food before we do. Applied heat is the way we tell these organisms to back off and give us our food back. 240521Science should also get busy on finding out why self-righteous doinks sometimes can't appreciate the kind things that their angels do for them. 240520I am curious as to when the 5-Second Rule starts its countdown. Do the five seconds start when the food hits the floor? Or maybe it's when the food stops moving and comes to rest. It seems less likely, but maybe the five-second timer starts when the potential consumer starts moving to retrieve the food. As with any good scientific inquiry, these questions give rise to further questions. Does the timer stop when the food is lifted off the floor? Maybe the timer stops when the retriever blows the germs off it. Do different contaminants require different amounts of time or breath strength in order to be blown off the retrieved food? Do other species have different time limits? I suspect dogs have a 5-Day Rule. There are so many questions about the 5-Second Rule, and we humans are eagerly awaiting answers. Science really should get busy on these. 240519I want to hold a Miralax party. Everyone takes a good dose of Miralax and the person who lasts the longest is the winner. However, I think maybe I won't hold this party at my home. 240518A lot of the personal maintenance and grooming tasks we have would be much easier if we could detach a body part, perform the task, and then reattach the body part. Since we aren't modular like that, we must rely on other people to help us with these tasks. This is a hidden purpose of our design. It helps us build and strengthen social connections, which helps to get these personal maintenance tasks handled. Without the social connections, the tasks aren't easily done, or performed well. With the social connections, we all function better both personally and as a society -- all because we don't have modular, detachable body parts. 240517Lightsabers are cool, but it's rather wimpy how they are started. You flip a switch and bam! the lightsaber is on and ready to go. There's nothing skillful or adept about that. No dramatic tension at all. Just flip the switch, the lightsaber comes on, and you can defend yourself and slaughter your enemies like a true Jedi. What They should have done is fit the lightsabers with lawnmower pull cords. Great skill and virtuosity would be required to get a lightsaber working. Instant dramatic tension! Will Luke be able to get his lightsaber running before Darth Vader skewers him? Will Vader be able to get his lightsaber running before the blaster shots start raining down on him? Pull cords would have deepened the emotional impact and excitement that Star Wars brought its audience. 240516One wonders, as one does, how the word "duck" came to be used to tell someone to bend forward and lower their head. After all, it's primary use is for those wonderful waterfowl. It makes perfect sense though. If someone shouts "Duck!" at you, then you instinctively look around hoping to see an adorable duck. This unnecessary looking around is a result of Modern Man's separation from nature. Back when we were more connected with nature, shouting "Duck!" at someone would cause the instinctive reaction for the person to bend over to pet the adorable duck that was at their feet. (I think ducks were more widespread then, and not just at lakes and ponds.) If some dangerous object was whizzing towards someone's head, then the best way to get them to get out of the way was to shout "Duck!" so the person would stoop to pet the duck, which in this case wasn't actually there. It might have been a disappointment not to pet an adorable duck, but at least the person would be able to be disappointed, rather than having to cope with a head split open by a thrown axe. Due to the modern lack of duck abundance along with our disconnection from nature, when someone shouts "Duck!", people aren't instinctively reaching down to pet the duck at their feet, but will instead obliviously look around saying, "Duck? There's a duck? Where's a duck?" and then the axe will hit them in the head and ducks will avoid them forevermore. 240515When dwarves go on vacation, they always bring home the cool rocks they find. When elves go on vacation, they try to bring home the cool trees they find. The airlines and the TSA don't allow the trees onto airplanes -- citing weight, size, and security restrictions -- so elves must leave their cool trees behind. This leaves elves feeling angry and resentful, thus ruining the relaxed feeling they had from a nice vacation. Since dwarves aren't prevented from bringing their rocks home, they are happy and content at the end of their vacations. This is the real source of the antipathy elves feel towards dwarves. 240514Fool 'em once, shame on me. Fool 'em twice, shame on them. Fool 'em three times, send 'em a contract and get 'em to start paying you. 240513I think when I hit the age of 75, I'm going to change my name to Dad. When strangers are dealing with me, they'll have to call me Dad. That name will make them think kindly towards me, be more willing to help me, and give me the benefit of the doubt in my senescent dotage. 240512Many people love the smell of fresh-cut grass. They look forward to their lawn maintenance, and the wholesome smell they get. However, research has shown that the smell from fresh-cut is the grass screaming in terror and desperately trying to warn other grass of the danger. So, whenever people revel in that heady smell of fresh-cut grass, they are revelling in the pain and despair of the grass. 240511I don't know if I'm really as funny as I think I am, but I amuse myself and I amuse Jo, and I think that's what really matters. 240510There is a fine line between being clever and witty, and being an asshole. I must remember that the line grows thinner as one ages. 240509I'd love to see a version of Star Wars where Mr. Bean played Luke Skywalker. 240508When I was young, we thought it was illegal to tie a hangman's noose. 13 wraps made the hangman's noose. We lived very dangerously by trying to tie a noose just far enough so it wasn't illegal, but still a recognizable noose. We didn't know the crossover point from questionable to illegal, but we tried, we tried. 240507The times you most need caffeine are the times you're most unable to prepare it. 240506I'm sure it's a good indicator of my terrible business sense, but whenever I'm performing and someone whips out a camera to film me without permission, I always get a strong urge to mess up my playing. 240505It's kind of creepy the way people walk around the festival cradling those big bags of popcorn like babies. 240504Two haiku from the Sheep and Wool Festival.

Sheep sitting in pens placidly chewing their cud blank looks on faces.

Fest people walk past placidly eating fest food blank looks on faces.

240503For 50 years, I have had no problems opening or closing jars. A quick twist of the wrist one way and a jar comes open. A quick twist the other way and a jar closes. I was a jar master. Recently though, my mastery of jar closing has been faltering. I get the lid on a jar, give it a quick twist, and it hangs up. It isn't on quite right, so it doesn't get the nice closure that I've been used to for decades. Sometimes it takes me three or four attempts before the lid suddenly snugs home. I am a bit disconcerted at the difficulties I've been having with jars. Going from jar master to jar bungler makes me wonder if I have slid into an alternate, almost parallel universe, one wherein I not did attain jar masterdom. I must be alert and see if any other commonplace thing, such as lace on jars, has suddenly become as difficult as jars. 240502I've always wondered at the use of the "Royal We". Some say that sovereigns use the Royal We since they are, in effect, speaking for their country and not just for themselves. I think that was a justification that was only developed because King Vanya the 4th insisted his seven schnitzelhounds be included in all meetings, and he consulted them for every policy decision. As more and more monarchs took up the practice of speaking in the Royal We, the speaking-for-the-country justification was the only way that common people could be convinced their rulers weren't complete chowderheads. Modern medicine has provided a better insight into physiology, which has led to a better rationale for using the Royal We. Sovereign rulers, even down to the commonest of the common people, can use the Royal We because they are speaking for themselves and the 100 trillion microbial cells of gut flora everyone hosts. 240501I wonder where bed bugs lived before beds were invented, and what the bed bugs were called then.

April, 2024 240430Millennia ago, buffalo were scrawny, small, bovine weaklings. Over the centuries, natural selection caused them to evolve into the much stronger, much more powerful bison they are today. As they grew stronger, their name also changed to reflect their new form and they went from being called feebalos to buff-alos. 240429Words We Need 10: hottic, ppp, smook, ficklicity, scromelet, octurbal, probalgy, squirmels, nowever, spiced up a sneeze 240428I hope I never, ever, ever have to use this criterion, but I've realized I will never marry a woman that doesn't know "The Monster Mash". 240427When I was young, I read a book with a character noted for his intelligence because he read without moving his lips. I took this as a universal indicator of intelligence, so I strove from then onwards to never move my lips when I read. 240426I was overjoyed when I found how good my bagpipe was sounding once more. Once I stopped playing it, I was dancing around the house with excitement and joy. This was a learning experience for me. It would behoove me to restrict myself to waltzing and contra dancing. Other than those, my dancing is so clunky and awkward that I should not be dancing. 240425After years of struggling with playing pipes, I finally got around to replacing my chanter reed. It was like I was playing a whole different instrument. The chanter sounded good and it was easy to get going. After a bit of prodding, the drone reeds had stopped double-toning and were nice and steady. I could easily play six times as long as I had just a few short weeks ago. I wasn't fighting the pipe any more, and it wasn't fighting me. We were working together and were making beau... making music together. I taught the pipe a definitive lesson in just who was boss. The pipe is still the boss, but at least it lets me collaborate with it. 240424The Muses orchestrated the events leading up to the Trojan War, as well as the related events that arose from it. In addition to the war itself, so much epic poetry, so many plays, and so much history followed from it, and in some cases preceded it. Odysseus' wanderings, Agamemnon's nightmare family, plays and poetry by Homer, Aeschylus, Sophocles, Euripedes. Even now, thousands of years later, new fiction, new translations, new poems of these events are being written. The original works are still the inspiration for new art. The Muses masterfully ensured their continued survival throughout the millennia by nudging Eris to play a prank with a golden apple.Literature Week 9 240423When Sauron created the rings of power, he was really just trying to create a recipe for the perfect onion ring.Literature Week 9 240422Lovecraft would be horrified, terrified even, to see how widely and openly accepted Cthulhu has become.Literature Week 9 240421The primary inspiration behind Milton's "Paradise Lost" was that someone stole his red stapler.Literature Week 9 240420I've read all the Dune books multiple times, I've seen all the various movie versions of "Dune", but I'm still not sure if the Spice is berbere, garam masala, or cumin.Literature Week 9 240419The Harry Potter stories would have been rather different, and perhaps a bit more interesting, if Harry had been put in Slytherin.Literature Week 9 240418The Spanish word for "fuck" is spelled j-o-d-o-r, and it's pronounced "hodor". In Game of Thrones, Hodor didn't get his name because he was being told to "Hold the Door"; he got the name because everyone was in critical danger of death and they were all saying "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck". Since Spanish is spoken north of The Wall, it came out as "jodor jodor jodor jodor jodor".Literature Week 9 240417"Shadow of Your Smile" is a nice, sad, romantic song. One thing bothers me about this song, though. For a smile to cast a shadow, it must be formed by a really large mouth. As in horse-mouth-on-a-mouse sized mouth. 240416It will never not be astounding to see a bird come plummeting from a tremendous height until to pull up at the last instant and settle gently, gracefully on the ground. 240415The Ides of March are the people stabbing the government. The Ides of April are the government stabbing the people right back. 240414Every night on the news, so mnay stories are accompanied by video that is decorated with yellow police tape. It kind of makes you wonder if the manufacturers of yellow police tape have anything to do with periodic crime surges. 240413The first rule Dad was given was, "Don't do anything dumb or dangerous." That is great advice for everyone, and I wish it was given to people everywhere. And that everyone followed it. 240412I did a modified cover version of "My Sharona" for the Mexican radio market, but it didn't go over too well. Apparently, people in that market aren't too fond of a song called "La Llorona". 240411Light in a dark room brings great comfort and solace. However, light leaking under a closed closet door in a dark room is really, really creepy. 240310The Nautilus evolved to its current form about 400 million years ago. At that point, it decided it had reached its perfect physical form and therefore it would focus on inner development. It has spent the last 400 million years working on crafts, taking language classes, and trying to master quantum physics and painting watercolors. 240409Noah built the ark out of wood, so despite contentions otherwise, I doubt he was really the world's first ark-welder. 240408Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It didn't. Chickens are smart enough to know that busy roads are dangerous and shouldn't be crossed without an exceedingly compelling reason. 240407A lot of people think that Pilates is a great exercise program for getting and maintaining health, but I'm not going to risk it. I'm very suspicious of exercises that are developed and sponsored by the guy that sent Jesus to be executed. 240406I'm glad none of our parrots learned any swears or cusses. It might have been briefly funny if they had, but how to explain to our parents how the birds had learned such fowl language? 240405I didn't know I liked calla lilies until Jo bought several to plant. As pretty as they are, the name is kind if odd. It sounds like calla lilies have a phone line for flowers to chat. 240404Most species of butterflies are happy to share gardens and fields with other butterflies. They might have to queue up a bit at the flowers, but everyone takes their fair share in friendly spirits. However, the Manitoban Razorwing species doesn't coexist well with other butterflies, or even each other. They even go so far as to attack others with the sharp edges of their wings. These are anti-social butterflies. 240403There was a total eclipse in my area when I was 7. I heard all the warnings about looking at the sun, and I took them very seriously. So much so that I was terrified to even get the tiniest glimpse of the sun during the eclipse. I survived, but I've always wondered if the eclipse burned out some hidden, subtle part of my brain that I just don't rebibbalistiragle ahyut. 240402The human spine and pelvis, when joined together and stripped of the icky wet stuff, look like a bony horseshoe crab or some other sort of prehistoric sea creature. It makes me wonder how something like that got inside us in the first place. Maybe that's how we started, and just slowly accreted blobs of flesh until we turned into what we are. 240401There are regular food products and there are organic food products. The organic versions are purportedly better than the non-organic versions. At the very least, the organic foods are more expensive. I want to jump into this organic fad, but I don't have the talent, knowledge, or patience to sell food, so I'm going to be selling something else. I'm planning to start selling organic paper products, made from real free-range trees.

March, 2024 240331When I was a kid, I learned that sharks couldn't stop swimming or they'd drown. As with so many pieces of child kowledge, that isn't quite true. Sharks can stop swimming and not drown. However, their remoras get itchy and cross if they don't have water running over them, so they'll tickle the sharks if the sharks stop swimming. That compels the sharks to just always keep swimming which is why sharks are always cross and cantankerous. 240330Astrophysicists have the Three Body Problem as an unsolvable question of orbital mechanics. They have nothing on the Three Mind Problem my therapist has with me. 240329Napkins are nothing more than dinner diapers. 240328Growing up, as I did, in the shadow of the Chesapeake Bay, I had a skewed idea of what a bay horse actually was. For your edification, a horse is a bay horse if it has a particular coloring. Bay horses don't live on or in a bay, they don't go swimming a lot, and most disappointingly they can't run on top of the water on a bay. 240327Cold welding is the process whereby putting pieces of the same kind of metal together in space, they will be permanently fused together. In time, this will undoubtedly be used as a weapon, but it could also make for some interesting pranks. 240326I saw an advert for TurbotAx and I thought they're violent enough already, should we really be giving them weapons? 240325There is a philosophical question of whether a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if there's no one there to hear it. If you believe in the omnipresence of God, then there's always someone in the forest to hear the trees fall, so there is always a sound of falling timber. 240324Dirt represents potential. A patch of dirt could be a family's garden of beans, or a bunch of azalea bushes. A patch of dirt could lift up a forest of enormous oaks, or a grove of lemon trees, or an orchard of almonds. A patch of dirt can hold a small village, a huge city, a first home of newlyweds. The possibilities are innumerable for how a patch of dirt can be used. Once it is planted, once a building is started, once it becomes more than just a patch of dirt, the possibilities narrow considerably. When it's just dirt, just ground, well, the potential and possibilities are endless. 240323Parents should dedicate part of a wall to their child's art. Paint the wall white, put a nice frame around that section, and let the kid draw on it as much as they want. It might keep the kid from drawing on other parts of the wall and it will make the child feel important that their own art is welcomed and highlighted by the parents. 240322A person's home is the place they can scratch their butt and pick their nose without worrying if someone will See. 240321My dominant hand is a bully, and it beats up my submissive hand. 240320When you see cows grazing or just sitting out in a field, it's easy to think patronizingly about how bland and stupid cows are. That quiet exterior masks a deep internal life. Humans are highly stressed, often unhappy, and spiritually floundering. Cows are placid, well-grounded, and on a completely different spiritual plane. Beyond this, the major difference between Humans and Cows is that cows don't have opposable thumbs. Opposable thumbs distract and confuse the spirit. The root of spiritual enlightenment all comes down to a lack or presence of opposable thumbs. 240319If you want to depress a microbiologist, tell them that an important part of life is to dream big. 240317Left-handed people have long been looked on with great suspicion and distrust. It has been thought that this distrust was bigotry based on lefties being an extreme minority, but there's another possibility that makes logical sense. Handshakes derived from meeting a potential enemy, and showing that the weapon hand held no weapon. That works well if everyone holds their weapon in the same hand. However, lefties hold their weapon in the other hand, so the handshake does not accomplish its purpose. How can you possibly trust someone who holds their weapon in the wrong hand, and how can you trust their handhake? 240316Above-ground pools are usually round, but there's no reason they can't be other shapes. A long, narrow oval is possible, especially if you're wanting one for swimming laps. If you're getting a long, narrow, above-ground pool, then it would be really cool if you could get it shaped like a Viking longboat. 240315You may not be able to change the past, but you can at least change the pasta water. 240314I had a lovely visit to Hawaii. At least, it was lovely until towards the end. Let me just say that you should be careful not to mix up the word "cojones" for the word "kahuna". 240313Every so often, I hear a deep, ominous sound emanating from the depths. A rumbling growl, a single reverberating boom from the subterranean gloom. A quiet roar that trembles the ground beneath my feet. This unfathomable sonority can only mean one thing. Jo has delved deep and brought forth another container of ice cream from the basement freezer. 240312When I was a kid, my friends and I were convinced that if you poke at your belly button too much, it'll come unravelled and everything would come leaking out. Obviously, that's not true. If you poke at your belly button too much, then you'll disturb the micro-blackhole that seals things up, and you'll be sucked into an alternate dimension while being turned inside out all at the same time. 240311People talk about having Opposite Day, where everything that's said has to be interpreted as the opposite of what's actually said. People who use Sine Language also have opposite day, but they call it Cosine Day. 240310An ejector seat is like Chekov's rifle. If a movie car has an ejector seat, you can be pretty sure it's going to be used, with a 93.7% chance for comedic effect. If it has a big red button, then it's an absolute certainty that button's gonna be pushed. 240309I am planning to rework Lovecraft's writings, putting them into the context and culture of birds. I am going to start with the classic "Caw of Crowthulhu". 240308For decades, one of the big questions in quantum mechanics remained unanswered. Why did Schrödinger choose cats to put in his murder box? He could have chosen something really repellent, like skanky rats or vipers or nazis, but he didn't. He chose cats. I have realized why he made this choice. Cats were easy to get hold of, and Schrödinger wanted to have an experiment that everyone could try at home. 240307Eructations come in two types, flavors, if you will. There are the piddly little burps, that are just small expellations of gas. And then there are belches. The deep, full-body movement of internal gas. These tectonic discharges come from such depths, encompassing all the body, bringing such satisfaction and relief, that they must be the sound, the voice of the soul. 240306People in many cultures look to spirit animals as guides throughout their lives. I wonder if spirit animals have spirit guides of their own. If so, what form do they take? Are their spirit guides other animals? Maybe in their cosmology, they look to spirit plants for guidance. 240305"Quiche" is the fancy French word that translates to "egg pie". 240304Monsters are always trying to get us, and they have identified our cars as a major point of vulnerability. The monsters come in two types. One lurks outside of a car and leaps on its victim as they get into or out of their car. The other type slithers into a car and grabs its victim once they are "safe" inside their car. A person's philosophy of car doors indicates where they think the monsters are. Some feel that car locks keep the monsters out, while some feel that car locks keep them from escaping the monsters inside the car. Most people recognize that both are potentially true, but feel that one or the other is the greater risk. There are those frozen by indecision because they feel that both are equally true. To the monsters, those people are known as "dinner". 240303There are a number of places in the Bible that talk about the breath of God bringing life. Both literally and figuratively, breathing in the breath of God is a means of receiving life and blessing. Remember this as you take Communion. Breathe in the aroma of the bread and of the wine before eating and drinking them. Let the scent of Communion infuse your soul, and become part of communing with God. 240302It seems that Tilda Swinton's name should be spelled "Swiñtoñ". 240301Ants really are opportunistic little bastards.

February, 2024 240229Rust is to iron what brown spots are to bananas and people. 240228To make TV more interesting, I've started watching as if the adverts are part of the show. It adds an odd new dimension to TV shows. Things are proceeding along in an office or in a police station or in court just as I'd expect, then suddenly there's a new plot where new characters are hanging out on a beach, or are sitting in a bar, or are talking about their hemorrhoids and the drugs to fix them, then we're suddenly back to the police about to make a raid on a meth lab and I have to pivot my world view to account for meth being a hemorrhoid drug now. It can get confusing, but it promotes active viewing and really exercises the imagination to reconcile the wild new anecdotal scenes with the rest of the narrative. 240227Fishnet stockings were invented by three fishermen who never managed to catch a mermaid in their nets. 240226Tombstones are engraved invitations the Grim Reaper uses to summon a spirit into the afterlife. 240225The Snow Moon is the full moon each February. If you examine each Snow Moon under a magnifying glass, as you might expect they all look different. 240224In a world of Metaxolitiol, Zanphedratine, and Betazor Glucoratol, I salute the discovers of vitamins, who dared to name them with single letters. Not to mention a letter and a number for those really racy vitamins. 240223Toilets should always be sold with a plunger guaranteed to fit that actual toilet. 240222I was trying to type "Spanish Inquisition" and my phone really wanted me to type "Spaniel Inquisition". It was kind of frustrating, but it also brought wonderful thoughts to mind. Think how much better the world would be if the Spanish Inquisition hadn't existed, but the Spaniel Inquisition had. Instead of awful questions like, "Are you an evil heathen?" or "Would you like a red-hot poker jammed up your butt?" there would have been questions like "Who's a good boy?" and "Want to play catch with this ball?" and "Who wants some treats?" The world would be a much better place if we'd had -- if we would have -- the Spaniel Inquisition. 240221Splendorphins are artificial hormones that make you feel great. 240220Why do hypnotists always make people think they are chickens? Are chickens inherently funny? Are chickens so antithetical to humans that it would take hypnotism to make a person imitate a chicken? Do we have strong racial prejudices against chickens? Maybe it's a pre-memory, and we're pre-membering that chickens are going to evolve and become our mutant chicken overlords. 240219I have observed many horses in many pastures. If there is something out of place -- a tree branch fell off a tree, an unfamiliar bucket left behind -- then the horses will run over and stand beside the interloper and look around with great concern. The horses think they are looking very diligent and investigative and responsible, but they really just look like tattletales waiting for a human to show up to see this terrible thing that has appeared. 240218If you spend a lot of time being self-deprecating or speaking negatively about yourself, you shouldn't be surprised if someone does you the honor of believing your words. 240217Whenever you see a picture or photo of the meteor coming to wipe out the dinosaurs, there's always one dinosaur that's looking up at the meteor. I think that's supposed to be ironic, and to show how ephemeral life is, as well as how clueless we all are. However, I think that the real story is that one dinosaur is looking up at the meteor and sighing, because it was the one who warned everyone else about their impending doom and they just partied on like nothing was ever going to happen. 240216Foolish consistency may be the hobgoblin of little minds, but willful ignorance is the ravening ogre of stupid minds. 240215Someone who takes a nice piece of music and arranges an awful version of it should be called a deranger. 240214I wanted to try a protein shake, but I wasn't sure if I should defrost the steak before wiggling it around over my head. 240213Accompanists are the confessors of singers. They always know the singers' sins and transgressions, yet they maintain their silence. 240212It is said, "Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom." Apparently, a brownie in the middle of the night is the price of eternal vigilance. 240211Facemasks on football helmets weren't initially intended to protect the wearer's face. The first facemask was added to keep Bernie "Bulldog" Fribberson from biting other players. 240210Evolution is like minor software updates. Small changes over long periods of time aggregate to large changes. Mutations are like major software updates; large changes happen fairly quickly, and can have wide-ranging effects. Extinction events are like replacing one app with another or moving to a completely different operating system. 240209A bezoar is a blob of material that forms in the stomachs of ruminants and some other animals. Bezoars have been used as antidotes for various physical ailments. Pearls are blobs of material that form within the shell of pearl oysters and some other mollusks. Pearls have been used as antidotes and cures for various physical ailments. I'd never realized it, but pearls are bezoars of the sea. 240208I wonder if tallymen only tallied bananas. Maybe they just specialized in different fruits, so there was a banana talleyman, and a mango tallyman, and a coconut tallyman. Surely tallying was a specialized skill, and talleymen couldn't tally anything put before them. I also wonder if they were afraid of the deadly black tarantulas, or if the tallymen had an understanding with the deadly black tarantulas. 240207I want to write a series of mystery novels. The main characters will be a polite, formal Belgian detective and the love of his life, a female clown who loves another detective. These will be the Poirot and Pierette mysteries. 240206So many people have dental problems. Impacted wisdom teeth, teeth growing in sideways, teeth growing in behind the line of other teeth, not to mention all the others. These dental problems seem to have the common problem of having too many teeth in too small of a mouth. Other animals don't tend to have these problems, so I'm wondering why humans do. I think we used to have longer protruding jaws, stretching forward from beneath our eye sockets, and I've got some questions. Why did our jaws evolve to be smaller? Why didn't we evolve mouths that had fewer teeth? Why did we evolve the longer jaws in the first place? Can we really trust evolution any more? 240205Many languages have technical language doodads that allows a speaker to put words in whatever order they want, and the listener hears what the speaker intends. English is a maniac, and that is not how it works. For example, "Sven ate a cheese" has a very different meaning if you switch it to "A cheese ate Sven." Also, you'd better get the order right when you spell out "WTF?" 240204The Slow Line Axiom states that if I am somewhere that has multiple lines (e.g., grocery stores or TSA checkpoints), then my line will go 25% slower than all the other lines. The Law of Extension states that the Slow Line Axiom applies to every person on the planet. The Queuing Paradox is the observation that the Slow Line Axiom and the Law of Extension are both true, yet it is impossible for both to be true. 240203I want to open a zoo for nocturnal animals. It would have lovely outdoor yards, with natural habitats for each type of animal. It would do its best to provide good, quality care and fulfilling lives for the animals lived there. It would also close at dusk. 240202The Winter Rabbit hops through the season. The Cold Paw falling here, the Warm Paw falling there, the Snow Paw hither, the Rain Paw yon. Her cottontail dusts the countryside, sweeping the snow into flurries and then clearing it off. She is elusive and seldom seen, but her influence lays across the land. 240201DVRs have revolutionized how people watch TV by allowing people to record shows and view them later at their convenience. In addition, DVRs can buffer video and allow viewers to back up just a little in case loud noises or other distractions briefly interrupt or interfere with what's being watched. This functionality would be extremely useful for other such distraction-prone situations. As loud and distracting as cars can be, it is quite surprising that this buffering isn't a common feature in car radios. It would be very helpful to be able to pause or even "back up" traffic or weather reports, news stories, or music whenever rude horn-honking or emergency sirens overpower the important radio content.

January, 2024 240131When putting out crab lines in the Chesapeake Bay, it is extremely common for them to be baited with raw chicken. The chicken industry on Maryland's Eastern Shore is very large, and produces many millions of chickens each year. I fear the time that blue crabs learn of the close proximity of this favorite food, for that is the day the blue crabs will actively start evolving the ability to live on land. It won't take them long to learn that humans are just as tasty, and then they will start hunting us. 240130There are animal and plant mimics that imitate the coloration, appearance, and behaviors of other, more dangerous, animals and plants. This imitation provides protection and keeps predators from going after the mimics. It is interesting that there aren't any animals or plants that mimic humans. As far as we know. 240129Watching a movie or show that's in a language you don't know is an exercise in creativity. If you don't know what's really going on, then anything you want can be happening. You can invent all sorts of dialog, assign characters you want to the actors, decide for yourself what the locations and settings are, and it ends the way you want it to end. It's a "Choose Your Own Adventure", acted out in front of you and the only limitations are those you want to put on it yourself. 240128A recent proverb talks about how there are two wolves fighting inside a person, an good wolf and an evil wolf. The way things have been lately, I feel like the two wolves inside me are Hati and Máni, the two Norse wolves that are destined to initiate Ragnarök when they swallow the sun and the moon. 240127I like goats better than sheep. I'd rather be with the goats than the sheep. Goats have gotten a bit of a bad reputation thanks to a passage or two in the Bible. It seems odd that Jesus, who supported the outcasts and disenfranchised, would be talking up that sort of anti-caprine segregation. 240126I've played a number of World War II games, and they really aren't for me. If I play one of the Axis countries, then I intentionally do a bad job so they get squashed. If I play one of the Allied countries, then I get really pissy if I don't win because the Good Guys are supposed to win. It's probably best if I skip the war games and stick to something easy, like Bunny Kingdom or WizWar. 240125Orcs must be the stealthiest, most inaudible creatures in existence. Moria is immense, caverns and tunnels and halls riddling an enormous series of mountains. It is teeming with orcs, with a healthy smattering of cave trolls and other nasties. One stupid bucket is knocked down a shaft and an orc war party comes to investigate. That war party gets trashed by the Fellowship, and All The Orcs! converge on an enormous hall to take care of this tiny group of non-orcs. Not only that, but the balrog climbs up out of its basement apartment to look into the problem. All because one dumb bucket tumbled down a shaft. Orcs have got to be the quietest beings around. 240124When I was a child, I thought it was a sin to pick your nose in church, and it made God mad and disappointed if you did it. I never determined if it was a venial sin or a mortal sin. 240123I've got a new sport that should be included in the Summer Olympics. It's called Water Jousting. The jousters stand on a paddleboard and are dragged around the pool by swimmers. They try to knock other jousters off their paddleboards, to the delight and wonder of the crowd. This could even be extended to sword-fights, and even battles between teams. Similar to this is water-chariot racing. Again, swimmers will pull paddleboards with people standing on them, but the paddleboarders won't fight each other, overtly at least, they'll just prod the swimmers to urge them to swim faster. The one problem with these new sports is that the paddleboarders will need to wear armor, which might cause sinking and breathing problems if they fall off the paddleboard. Over time, we'll iron out these few practical problems with the sports. 240122My favorite Scottish TV show is about Walter Whiteface, a sheep that manufactures high-quality illegal drugs. It's called "Breaking Baaaaa". 240121What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless it's communicable. 240120I want to do a production of West Side Story with cowboys and natives and Californians, where they are all moving into the neighborhood buying up all the good homes. It would really stress the West in West Side Story. 240119Apple should add a feature to iOS to recognize voice-command keywords used by "Alexa" and other voice-control systems. It should obey the commands, but include a response of, "My name is Siri, not Alexa." 240118I always look at dogs with my furripheral vision.Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240117In orchestras, cows and rhinos always work best in the horn section.Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240116Only a pirate can turn a cow into a crow. (By adding an "Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!")Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240115Cookie Monster has been up for three Emmy's, but he never won any. That's why his bio says, "Cookie Monster, Nom Nom Nom."Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240114Q: What did transvestite Vikings go raiding in?
A: Drag boatsStepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240113Neptune has extremely powerful atmospheric winds, which blow at over 1,200 miles per hour. That's about what I'd expect from Uranus.Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240112Q: What is a termite's favorite cereal?
A: Oak Squares.Stepbrother of Dumb Joke Week 240111I had a bag of snacks that was labelled "Family Size". I really wanted the whole bag, so I started wondering how many people actually constitute a family. I then started thinking about how I am a mass organism, composed of billions of cells, and my gut is teeming with a huge variety of gut flora, and all of these individual components doing their own little thing, but working together and supporting each other all for the benefit of the whole, and that each individual person is a family unto itself. That bag of snacks made me whole family happy. 240110I don't think it's an accident that "sausage" and "assuage" have exactly the same letters in a very similar ordering. 240109The word "exasperate" comes from Latin words that mean "to make rough" or "to provoke". It seems it should be spelled "exaspirate", as all too often the exasperating thing just takes your breath away. 240108If I was king, instead of a court composer I'd have a pork composer. 240107Genesis 1:1-3 says, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light." That sounds to me like a description of the Big Bang. A very poetic version of the Big Bang, but the Big Bang nonetheless. 240106I know several people who have very high security clearances. They never talk about secret stuff because they take their security training seriously. I have a fun game I play with them. I tell them that they dozed off and started talking secrets in their sleep. They get really nervous, start to sweat, and usually rush off to call work. They don't realize it's a game. 240105When squirrels feel threatened, they swish their tails back and forth quite vigorously. This has long been thought to be a warning for other squirrels that danger is near. While this is probably true, I think it's also a way the squirrels are preparing to move into immediate motion. The tail swish acts as a pump to get blood flowing to the back legs, so they can leap into action and have the muscles primed for optimal speed. The squirrel's tail is essentially a blood pump. 240104As lovely and nice as they are, grandfather clocks seem to be pretty fragile and prone to problems. Unless treated with a very delicate touch, they stop too easily, the pendulums get off, the chimes miss. After all these decades, centuries, of grandfather clocks. the mechanisms should be a lot hardier and more resilient than they are. I don't think this is a result of bad technology, but of something that technology can't fix. True to their name, I think that grandfather clocks are a communications medium for our grandfathers and other relatives that have gone ahead of us. I think these deceased relatives are trying to communicate with us by way of the grandfather clocks, but we just don't have the skills or knowledge to understand them. 240103I am suspicious of any dessert that's always accompanied by the disclaimer, "People always say they don't like this whatever, but this one is different. 240102I recently had need to use the phrase "speaking out my ass". I was distracted because I started thinking about slang grammer, and how "speaking out my ass" is different than "speaking out of my ass". While "speaking out of my ass" is more grammatically correct, it just doesn't have the impact or power of "speaking out my ass". By the time I'd thought through all this, the moment had passed and there was no need to use either phrase. 240101I learned the "Here I sit all broken-hearted" poem about 50 years ago. It turns out that my father learned that same poem about 70 years ago. This eloquently illustrates the way poetry can be timeless and speak deeply to each new generation.

Thus, I undertook the "Final Thought of the Night" project. Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell her a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are likely to be stupid; they may be vaguely story-like; they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding; they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos.

The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, bodily secretions. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. Animals are a big focus because it's so easy to say something about animals. I hope I'm not repeating anything, but I am making absolutely no effort to ensure that repeats don't happen. If you see the same idea multiple times, that might mean it's something I think about more than other things.

More final thoughts are available here:

• final thoughts from 2011
• final thoughts from 2012
• final thoughts from 2013
• final thoughts from 2014
• final thoughts from 2015
• final thoughts from 2016
• final thoughts from 2017
• final thoughts from 2018
• final thoughts from 2019
• final thoughts from 2020
• final thoughts from 2021
• final thoughts from 2022
• final thoughts from 2023
• final thoughts from 2024