Final Thoughts of the Night, 2019

Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell my wife a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are sometimes dumb, they may be vaguely story-like, they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding, they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos. The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, technology. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. The full story is at the bottom.

June, 2019 190616Whenever I walk past the fish counter in the grocery store, I wonder about those fish. They're lying there quietly. They've got these deep, contemplative looks on their faces. I wonder what those fish are thinking about. 190615Our new dishwasher has individual slots for each piece of silverware to be washed. You put the utensils in and they all spoon together nicely. Sometimes one of the utensils gets flipped around and the spooning stops. That's when the silverware sex begins. 190614There's a stock character used in a lot of movies and TV shows. When someone is seriously sick in bed or in hospital, there's a woman, a caretaker, that bustles around doing unnecessary tasks and engaging in inane small talk with the unconscious patient, visitors, or anyone who comes in. I have long held a great dislike for this caretaker, and wondered how on earth someone could be so stupid and make such fatuous and vapid conversations. Then I was put in the position of caring for someone who was incapable of communication. Good heavens, have I been unfair and unkind to these stock caretakers. These caretakers have a very difficult job -- they have to talk to the patient as if they can follow the conversation, because maybe they can; they have to try to provide interesting conversation, in hopes of not boring patients that can listen; they have to keep track of the patient's needs and medical care, since every patient needs an advocate; they have to maintain a positive demeanor, since a negative outlook can affect the patient. Swirling around all this is the turmoil and agony of the caretakers' own emotions and needs, and how they can keep up this facade when they are living their entire days at the breaking point and are having to take each minute as it comes, hoping to be able to maintain their fragile grip on control and composure. No more will I have contempt for these ostensibly vacuous caretakers; they are truly people of tremendous strength and courage. 190613When IV bags are delivered to hospital patients, the patient should have a chance to sample the vintage, evaluate it by smell and taste, select a newer or older vintage, and choose a different vintner. IV bags are serious business and must be given their due consideration. 190612Runners spend weeks, months, training for a single marathon. They put in lots and lots of hard, rigorous effort getting their bodies and minds in proper condition for the arduous race. Runners have nothing on nurses. Nurses walk a half-marathon, if not a full marathon, every day. Sure, they're walking and not running, but it's an every-day event, all while juggling the responsibilities of keeping their patients alive. 190611Hospital rooms have beds and bathrooms and cable TV and internet service and room service and housekeeping service and medication service and people who can take your organs from you. Hospitals are just like hotels, except the rooms never have locks on the doors and there's a slight difference in price. 190610Someone missed a really great opportunity. The hospital folks are always trying to keep track of patients' blood-oxygen levels. The monitors always list this as SPO2. The medical folks call it Blood Ox. Blood Ox is definitely better than SPO2, but the best would have been to call it SPOX. 190609Thrombus sounds like a pulsating parallelogram. 190608It is humbling being a visitor in the hospital. As nice as the nursing staff is, they only want to know if Jo has pooped, never if I have pooped. 190607Q: Where do ghosts do their courting in the spring-time?
A: In the gazeboo.Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week
190606Q: Who are a chicken's three favorite composers?
A:Bach, Bach, Bach!Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week
190605Barbie and Ken should start a heavy metal group called Mattelica.Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week 190604Bodhran players are the best tippers.Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week 190603Q: Why did Leonard Bernstein go to Washington, DC?
A: He had to remove a mass and there was an opening.Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week
190602Did you hear about the Christian comedian? His theme song was "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus".Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week 190601Q: Who was the chickens' favorite president?
A: Brrrack-bock-bock Obama.Twa Sisters of Dumb Joke Week

May, 2019 190531Godot must have been a service tech for a cable company.Literature Week 6 190530Denethor, despite being Steward of Gondor, should have been arrested by the city guards. It was extremely ill-advised of him to start bonfires within the walls of Minas Tirith while they were under siege.Literature Week 6 190529The Westeros Milk Board advertises their products with the "GOT Milk?" campaign.Literature Week 6 190528Mount Doom, Mountain Dew. Either would have worked to destroy The Ring.Literature Week 6 190527Jon Snow licked the Wall on a double-direwolf dare and got his tongue stuck to it.Literature Week 6 190526As I was reading the first "Mortal Engines" book, I kept thinking about the game mechanics and features for a city-eat-city game. I think that was kind of missing the point of the book.Literature Week 6 190525There has been a great deal of frustration over the length of time it's taken GRRRRRRRR Martin to finish the last two books of the Game of Thrones series. There's been speculation that he's abandoned the books, given the success of the TV series. I wonder if it's related, but actually a bit different. Perhaps Martin looked at the series as the beta test for the story. Perhaps he has postponed finishing the books to see how the TV audience reacted to the final outcome of the series. If people liked it, he'd continue on in that general direction. If people hated it, he still has two books in which he can adjust the course of the story and finish in a way that makes people happier with the books than the TV series.Literature Week 6 190523It is not easy to play air concertina. The buttons move around at will, and the bellows is both nonresponsive and omniresponsive. 190522My alarm clock has been whacking on that one marimba note for years. After all this time, I wonder if it's still in tune or if it's begun to warp or anything. Maybe I need to replace my marimba. 190521Killer whales got a bum rap when they were named. Sure, there were those 3 -- maybe 4, maybe 5 -- seals, surely a few seals shouldn't be held against them all. 190520Butterflies are the tumbleweeds of the animal world. 190519Jo always looks so calm and placid when accompanying the choir and giving us our notes. She's got a good resting pitch face. 190518When the country was founded, a presidential seal was created in order to give legitimacy and respectability to the position. According to the Constitution, if the president ever starts doing illegal things, the seal is empowered to use his flippers to slap the president silly. 190517It is a well-known fact that feet are our nighttime thermostats, keeping our body temperature nicely regulated by migrating in and out of the covers. What is much less known is that this heat-based migration isn't controlled by the enormous brain in our heads. Rather, it's controlled by heat-activated proto-brains located in our thumb-toes. This works for sleeping, but we must hope those proto-brains never evolve into much more capable, sentient true brains. 190516Pronouns are linguistic variables, holding temporary values that are context dependent and can be assigned as needed. 190515For vultures, every meal is a picnic. 190514DS and DC al segno provide subroutines to music. 190513People are so confusing. First they complain about filthy lucre, then they complain about money laundering. Why can't they make up their minds? 190512It is always best to treat double-flats as printer errors. 190511People like to think of Science Fiction as a genre of dreams and aspirations, ideals we can strive and struggle for, technology we can work to implement, new horizons to sail towards. In reality, it's a genre that pisses people off because they take it as a field of promises that will soon be fulfilled. People want their flying cars, their medical tricorders, their FTL drives, their universal translators now, dagnabbit! They don't want them 40 years from now! 190510Tolerance and cooperation are not Squirrel Virtues. 190508I never enjoy sessions. I'm always ready to join in with my gutteral-scatting, but no one ever wants to hear me sing. 190507The collective noun for cardiologists should be murmuration -- a murmuration of cardiologists. 190506I'm glad that vending machines are now taking credit cards and bills. When they only took coins, it seemed you always needed more coins than the actual item price because the machines never registered the first coin inserted and always took it as a sacrificial offering. 190505I think it would be a great idea for bedspreads to be equipped with pockets. 190504Naps aren't as satisfying if you don't know you're taking one when you take it. 190503The pineapple plant is an alchemist that transmutes gossamer rays of sunlight gold into dense edible orbs of sunsweet gold. 190502Q: How do you know Thanos was from Scotland?
A: He knows the importance of a good snap.
190501Birds are the unsung heroes of the power and phone industries. They can sense when power and phone calls are having trouble flowing through the wires. The birds will come and sit on the blocked lines and they'll squeeze the lines with their feet, massaging them until the problems disappear and things are flowing normally again.

April, 2019 190430It has long been thought that Homo Sapiens' larger brain helped them replace Neanderthals, as evidenced by the distinct lack of Neanderthals in the modern world. I am thinking that this is less a result of higher intelligence than it is the mental capacities that led to the modern development of the Florida Man and "Here, Hold My Beer" cultures. Homo Sapiens were quite willing to engage in insane behaviors that Neanderthals weren't willing to do. Such lunatic behaviors allowed Homo Sapiens to overwhelm and replace Neanderthals, despite the associated injury and mortality rates. 190429Every night before going to sleep, I let out a big, deep sigh. You ask me about it, wondering if something's bothering me. I think this big sigh releasses tensions and worries from the day, effectively clearing my mental deck and setting the stage for a good sleep. (It also assists with mixing metaphors, apparently.) 190428Men will explain things to anyone, not just women. Mansplaining isn't an act of sexism, it's an act of dominance. 190427Produce has a quality it shares with styrofoam -- they are both made for shipping, not for taste. 190426I want to start a business taking people on safari around wildlife preserves. The people would sit in the back of a pickup truck on these safaris. To keep them safe from the animals (and vice versa) there would be caging all around the people. They would be provided with beer, sodas, and snacks. The people would sit on really comfortable sofas, which is why the business would be called Sofari. 190425Hannibal Lecter's Sue chef is also his Betty chef, and his Peter chef, and his Charles chef, and his Terry chef... 190424Red foxes, regardless of their speed, are jealous of all the attention quick brown foxes receive. 190423I used to play in a band called Julia and the Mandel Bros. Our music was very complex, and people thought we had great sets. 190422I'd like a camera filter that renders people and animals and things as the initial rough shapes used in drawing. 190421Security is an illusion; network security doubly so. 190420If you want to see trends in online money transfers, you need to turn to set theory and look at Venmo diagrams. 190419Life with me presents you with an endless series of dilemmas. I start to do stuff that would be both funny and bad if I actually complete the actions. Do you stop me or do you sit back and watch? Stopping me implies I'm stupid and need to be controlled. Sitting back and watching gives you a good laugh, while leaving me without functioning shoes, or with a knife wedged in my computer, or me holding angry raccoons. I don't mean to make your life so hard. 190418Dental hygienists know when you only floss for a couple days right before your appointment. They call it faux-lossing. 190417When I die, you should bury me in a speedo, rather than my kilt or a suit, so the good clothes won't be wasted. Obviously, this means I would have to have a closed casket funeral. 190416During college I was so poor I didn't have fight-or-flight reflexes, I had fight-or-hitchhike reflexes. 190415The Rainbow Connection sounds like a movie about illegal fairydust smuggling. 190414When clothes or furniture or something makes a farty noise, most people will force it to make the sound a second time just to prove the clothes or furniture made the sound and they are in control of their bodily noises. And they'll look embarassed the whole time. That's the wrong way to handle the issue. Embrace the farty noise! Make the clothes or furniture or something make the farty noise a bunch more times, and put a big grin on your face while doing it. People will either focus on you having a juvenile sense of humor or they'll laugh along with you. That then opens a small window of opportunity for you to slip a real fart in there for fun and intestinal relief. 190413I'd like to hear the priest from Princess Bride recite the words to Worthy Is the Lamb. 190412As so many do, I play the Lava Floor game with my friends. I'm pretty good at jumping from chair to couch to table so I don't often die from stepping on the Lava Floor. I bet bugs play Lava Lamp. "No, don't land on that lamp, it's LAVA!". "Oooh, it's so hot! I'm gonna burn up!" 190411The biggest, most powerful things anywhere are nutshells. They can hold anything and everything -- physical, metaphorical, or fantastical -- and they can hold as much as you want them to. Think about how nutshells are used. "In a nutshell, a gam of whales is..." "In a nutshell, the college experience is..." "In a nutshell, a truckload of sparkly rainbow unicorn poop can..." "In a nutshell, the whole universe, including that amazing new black hole, is..." If a single nutshell can hold the universe, then in a nutshell it's clearly more powerful than Superman, gravity, and garlic, combined. 190410Aside from tarts, can you expect to wield supreme executive power if a sword was thrown at you by a watery cake? 190409The artists I know are also engineers. Not only do they create art, but they have to build things to hold or display art, they have to optimize the medium for space with what they want to show, they have to accomodate the structural integrity of their art. Similarly, engineers I know are concerned with artistry in their work. They are concerned not just with solving problems, but with elegance in their work, how well their code fits together, the beauty of the solution as a whole. As artists are engineers, so too are engineers artists. 190408Doctors and hospitals have supported literature for quite a long time. They both provide reading salons (euphemistically called "waiting rooms") in which people can sit and read while waiting to see a doctor or for an operation to complete. They also have firm schedules for patients but let things slip on their own end, forcing people to sit around for potentially long periods of time. This gives people lots of time to fill, time that they can then use to read to their heart's content. Time they otherwise wouldn't have spent reading. All thanks to the medical establishment. 190407If you get a second opinion for a medical diagnosis you don't want to hear, shouldn't you also get a second opinion for a diagnosis you do want to hear? 190406Africa is said to be the cradle of civilization; people started out in Africa and migrated outwards around the planet. Things are a little more complex than that. Africa is the cradle of music, which provided the seeds of civilization. As music spread outwards from Africa, civilization followed wherever music led. 190405I've got a great idea for a product. This is a refinement on shoes. Shoes should start smelling worse and worse as they get older and more worn and dangerous to wear. Not just smelling on the inside until you shove your feet in, but smelling on the outside so you're walking around in a cloud of stench. No amount of washing would remove the smell. This would encourage you to replace your shoes when needed and keep your feet healthy and happy. 190404I like almost all owls, and am happy to have just about any of them come visit. There's only one owl I don't like and won't let in the house. That one is barred. 190403Court-based TV shows often show lawyers saying something in court that is immediately squashed by the judge or withdrawn by the lawyer. The sole purpose of these comments is to manipulate the jury, to insinuate disallowed information or thoughts in order to get the jury thinking about things that for whatever reason, they shouldn't be considering. I assume this is done in real courts, not just on TV. Speaking of TV, so-called live TV broadcasts have time delays to prevent Bad Language from being broadcast to protect children from language they themselves use when their parents aren't around. I think that it's long past overdue for trials to have a built-in time delay between what lawyers say and what juries hear. This would help keep the lawyers from manipulating and deceiving juries in situations that are far more fraught and with far greater consequences than protecting the tender little ears of children. 190402Saying "I have no one to blame but myself" is a sign of laziness and a distinct lack of ambition. 190401On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires avoided going out on Halloween night as it was too tacky. I expect that Tricksters agree with me that April Fool's Day is for amateurs and don't get involved with all that oh-so-wonderful April Fools hilarity and humor.

March, 2019 190131The entire pie-chart subfield of mathematics developed as a means of best calculating the cutting and distribution of pizza.Food Week 13 190329Even if they don't want to admit it, everyone knows that fat is delicious and that the more fat a food has the better it tastes. It's interesting, then, that food comes in regular-fat, low-fat, and fat-free versions, but never in extra-fat versions. Perhaps food companies are being sneaky and regular-fat is really extra-fat, low-fat is really regular-fat, and fat-free is, um, fat-free.Food Week 13 190328Grape jelly is the default jelly for PBJs. This was a slick, covert marketing move by the Wine Establishment to get people pointed towards wine at an early age.Food Week 13 190327The more yummy stuff you put in your omelet the easier it is to forget that an omelet is basically just scrambled eggs.Food Week 13 190326In the summer of 2015, it was reported that archeologists found the remains of 14,400 year-old flatbread at a dig in northeastern Jordan. This is an important find for a variety of reasons. Most importantly, it shows that soon after early humans learned to make bread, they realized the bread would be even better if it was toast. If the archeologists keep digging, I bet they'll find signs of butter and jam, maybe even peanut butter.Food Week 13 190325Crushed red pepper flakes are jimmies for pizza.Food Week 13 190324I have decided that my official cause of death will be that while rescuing a box of orphaned puppies, a Great White Shark came along and bit me in half. I don't care how I really die, that's going to be the official cause of death. Unless the real reason is even cooler. 190323Whenever I hear about Willie Loman from "Death of a Salesman", I think it should really be about Willie Lomax, a salesman who travels around the Appalachians selling vacuums and collecting folksongs. 190322Scepters must never be washed; they bear the weight of their ages and history. On the other hand, sifters and snifters should be washed after each use. 190321When you bring something out to the birds' room, occasionally they'll look curiously at this new and interesting thing. More often, though, they'll be indifferent to anything we bring out. If the birds notice the new thing, they'll glance at it and then go back to whatever they were doing in the first place. I wonder how often that happens with us and aliens of vastly superior intelligence. They come to Earth and they've got teleportation gum and disease-healing pizza toppings and Faster-Than-Light puppy sleighs and 3D printer-basters and toaster poodles. All we see are cardboard boxes and gentle lights and cat videos. We blithely go our happy way, with these incredible wonders all around us. 190320Ape-hanger handlebars for motorcycles were developed to accomodate T-Rex bikers. 190319I know nothing about the play "Death of a Salesman", but it sounds like it's the story of a travelling salesman who goes to the home of a murderering cannibal. 190318The "Close Door" buttons on elevators are quite often configured to be placebos -- people push them to feel better, but the buttons do nothing. I hate those ineffectual buttons and would rather not have them at all than to have ones that sit there mocking me as I jab them. I have a fantasy. I dream that the inventor of the fake "Close Door" is being chased by a killer monster robot and he jumps in an elevator to escape, he pokes and pokes and pokes at the "Close Door" button to no avail, and the killer monster robot is able to corner him on the elevator, and the killer monster robot's jaws and eyes are dripping with saliva and anticipation, and only then do the doors close behind them. 190317There's a picture of a sign that's been making the rounds on the internet. It's an English street sign pointing to the Tank Museum and Monkey World nearby. Lots of people have said that putting those two places so close together was a mistake that's just asking for trouble. In my opinion, that placing was done intentionally. I bet the tanks at Tank Museum are fully functional, and they're kept ready and waiting to save the world for when the monkey apocalypse erupts at Monkey World. 190316The phrase "In the nick of time" indicates that there's a razor or knife so sharp that time itself can be shaved and injured. I would very much like to see this blade, as well as the styptic powder, bandages, and other things used to heal these time cuts. 190315The fossil record shows that the earliest ancestors of penguins lived around 60 million years ago. This means that the earliest penguins lived with dinosaurs. Having watched all the Jurassic Park movies multiple times, it is clear to me that those earliest penguins must have been amazingly bad-ass birds in order to survive against all those ultra-violent murder-lizards.Bird Week 1 190314Bloopbirds make the most mistakes of avians.Bird Week 1 190313Hummingbirds can carry a tune, they just can't remember the words.Bird Week 1 190312Barn Owls are hardworking, humble, industrious, kind, and friendly. Their only major flaw is their intense jealousy towards their well-to-do cousins, the Mansion Owls and the Palace Owls.Bird Week 1 190311Hawks can never seem to clear the phlegm out of their throats.Bird Week 1 190310Emperor penguins are the only penguins that do not build a nest. Instead, Emperor penguins have a bunch of peasant penguins build nests for them.Bird Week 1 190309The chuffedfinch is the happiest birds around.Bird Week 1 190308There is one sub-species of African Elephant that likes to hide behind a tree on the savannahs and leap out to startle and scare passing zebras. This trickster pachyderm is the Elephant of Surprise. 190307In any solar system, there should be a known point when the system's star becomes (roughly) indistinguishable from any other star. This point could be called the Point of Solar Hosery. 190306I read that the Hapalopilus nidulans mushroom "causes liver failure, kidney failure, and turns the urine dark purple." I really love that description. As if liver failure wasn't bad enough, as if kidney failure wasn't bad enough, eating this mushroom will TURN YOUR PEE PURPLE!!! 190305I have decided to become a stage magician, albeit a specialized one. I'll wave my magic wand, say the magic words, "=C3=80 La Mentary Canal", and in a poop of smoke, random shit will appear. 190304There is only one possible explanation for why the meteor killed the dinosaurs and left everything else alone. Dinosaurs were from Krypton and the meteor that killed them was made of kryptonite. 190303Today's scripture in church was the Transfiguration of Christ, and it included this, "His face shining as the sun, and His garments became white as the light." As that was read, I thought, "Just like Gandalf!" I am doomed. 190302When Jo was in the hospital, I spent several weeks travelling back and forth between home and hospital a couple times a day. There were several songs that I really got set on for those trips, one at a time. I listened to that one song exclusively for a few days before moving on to another song. At one point, one of those songs was Guy Davis' "Wish I Hadn't Stayed Away". That was in late December, and I was subconsciously starting to realize that Jo was in significantly worse shape than we had been told. Somehow, my music tastes were trying to tell me to stop worrying about stupid stuff and get my ass back to the hospital. 190301The problem with doing laundry in the evening is that pillowcases get all snuggly warm, instead of the rich, decadent, arctic chill that makes pillowcases such a delight.

February, 2019 190228Using the language of food, an open-casket funeral is an open-face funeral. 190227I am collecting all the stuff I want to be buried with. The clothes, the jewelry, lots of gems and precious metals, everything. Among all this, I want a really impressive crown and a powerful-looking scepter. Maybe even a really spiffy sword. I want future archeologists to find my vault of treasures and then do a bunch of research to determine why this presumably run-of-the-mill corpse has all these treasures he's buried with. I'm hoping to be the subject of any number of PhD theses. 190226When you eat the giant M&Ms, like they use in their adverts, are you supposed to also eat the arms and legs, or do you just throw them away? 190225Cooking is chemistry where you're expected to eat the results, and they're seldom going to kill you. 190224The Hammond Organ was invented in the 1930's. It entered the mainstream of rock in 1967 -- the Summer of Love -- when someone observed that if there were pipe organs there should also be bong organs. 190223When I was filling out the paperwork for college graduation, I came to the part that required me to select whether I wanted to get a BS or a BA degree. I was very tempted to check the BA degree because I thought it would be cool and very funny to have a BA in Computer Science, rather than a BS. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted a BA-CS. There's a lot of artistry, creativity, and imagination required in Computer Science, possibly as much as the science that's required. Not to mention that it would be funny. I really was drawn quite strongly to the thought of a BA-CS. Ultimately, I decided to go for the standard BS-CS because I thought it would cause less trouble in the future and not negatively affect my career. It was the boring choice, but at the time it was probably for the best. These days, however, it probably wouldn't be such a bad idea. 190222I think state and local governments should start mixing public services with other businesses. This would give us police who also deliver mail and packages, fire trucks that are also public transport, speed cameras that provide selfies to their victims, ambulances that also do pizza delivery. This would provide good public relations and exposure to public services, and it would favorably embed the public services in the community. People would be happy and excited to see police cars and fire trucks rolling up to their homes. 190221Wifi has made so many things more convenient than they used to be. I really wish Jo had been able to get a modern antibiotic pump to deliver her antibiotics over Wifi. It would have made the past month so much easier than it has been. 190220There is always a shortage of blood and organs for transplant. The government should influence people to become organ donors by giving free funerals to organ donors. Similarly, people should be given tax credits for every blood donation they make. 190219Church choirs almost always sing an anthem immediately before the sermon. The anthem can really be anywhere during the service, but it's usually right before the sermon. This developed as a matter of practicality, since the choir thus musically jolts the congregation so they'll be awake for the sermon. 190218An ancient philosophy is that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. A more cunning, pragmatic twist to this is that the enemy of my enemy is my cannon fodder. 190217I read a listicle talking about how seemingly innocuous things are much more deadly than things I'm scared of. Spiders? Snakes? Sharks? They're amateurs. The real worries are pigs, pen caps, champagne corks, deer, coconuts, and vending machines. Those things are bloodthirsty killers! 190216If astrophysicists could visualize the right number of dimensions, they would find that space and the distribution of black holes map very nicely onto a roll of #3 bubble wrap. 190215If I'm ever in charge of a secret government organization investigating a paranormal incident, I'm going to bypass a bunch of wasted time and look immediately at the children involved. TV has taught me that children are always at the center of supernatural incidents and conspiracies. 190214I just read a confusing statistic that left me with a bunch of questions. It said that I am 6 times more likely to die at the hands of a pig than a shark. First off, I want to know why pigs dislike me so much. I also want to know if that's saying that pigs hate me more than sharks hate me or if pigs hate me more than they hate sharks. And "at the hands of"? What kind of weird-ass mutant pigs and sharks are there? 190213There's a saying that if all you have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail. I think that only takes things halfway. To me, the full thought is along the lines of the glass half-full/glass half-empty contrast. If you're an optimist and all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. However, if you're a pessimist and all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a barrel of pickles. 190212The fangs of Summer's heat are hiding in the dazzle of Winter's noonshine, a shining threat that the Tigers of the Sun will soon be chasing away the Bears of Dusk. 190211Early Man had no concept of personal ambition. Nature remedied this by evolving Early Man to have a sense of smell. Around about dinner time, smell-enhanced Early Man took a good long sniff and thought, "Dang! Tina's having pizza for dinner! She never shares pizza. If I'm gonna get pizza, I'm going to have to trap a pizza-delivery guy of my own, like she did." Bam! Ambition was born. 190210Snowshoeing is a good metaphor for progress, for a number of reasons. Even if it's difficult, it's better to keep moving forward and it's painful to move backwards. If you're careless, it's easy to trod on your own feet and send yourself sprawling. You only get anywhere when you put in some effort. 190209In Deadpool, Deadpool cuts his hand off to escape from Colossus. All's well, though, because he just grows a new hand. How did the hand know not to grow a new Deadpool? Is there a second Deadpool running around out there? 190208I have found a new job. I'll be working at Fermata Labs, investigating the dark rests within the held notes. 190207Martinis are inherently thixotropic, which is why they must be shaken or stirred. Without that vital agitation, instead of drinking them James Bond would have to slurp up his martinis like jello. 190206According to the popular quantum-theory example, Schrödinger's Cat is simultaneously alive and dead -- until the moment you actually check on it. At that point, the waveform collapses and the cat is either alive or dead. This is complicated when a researcher tries to weave in the internet's "pics or it didn't happen" meme. Before the camera is checked, the cat is alive, the cat is dead, the cat has been checked upon, the cat has not been checked upon, there are pics, there aren't pics, the camera has been checked, the camera has not been checked, the researcher has had a cheeseburger, and the researcher has not had a cheeseburger, -- all at the same time. 190205The last time I went to the ocean, I tried to take advantage of my nice long hair. I had a friend film me as I tried to do one of those sexy wet-hair fling things where my long, wet hair gets flung back over my head and the water goes cascading out and around me. It didn't quite work out as I hoped. An octopus got wrapped up in my hair, so I ended up flinging the octopus onto my face. It wrapped three tentacles around my head and left the other five dangling off my chin. I then went staggering up on shore, my muffled shrieks seeming to come from the octopus' bulbous head attached to my face. I terrified all the beach people, and almost everyone ran screaming off the beach. Three people tried to shoot me with their spearguns and beach-darts. It wasn't exactly the nice, relaxing day out I'd hoped for. I don't think the beach is for me. Next time, I think I'll go to the mountains. 190204Without much in-depth thought, it seems that the Sun and the Moon move at roughly the same speed. However, the Sun is clearly much faster than the Moon. The Sun goes through all its phases (new sun to full sun to new sun) in a single day, while the Moon takes 28 days to go from new moon to full moon to new moon. 190203The common interpretation is that the Sarlacc is hiding beneath the sand at the bottom of a pit of sand, just waiting to trap the unwary. The common interpretation is wrong. The Sarlacc is hiding beneath the sand because it's embarrassed that it has to wear a cone of shame built of sand. 190202Waiting to be released from the hospital is like waiting for a late flight to pull back from the airport gate and get in the air. It seems like the wait will never end, and when it does you go soaring like an eagle. 190201Someday, someone will invent a toilet that has a tiny black hole. Any poop, any urine, anything put down the toilet is going to be sucked into the tiny black hole and it'll disappear. This will eventually extend to general trash handling. This revolutionary, eco-friendly method of handling poop and piss and trash will continue for a number of years. It will finally come to a crashing halt when creatures from the alternate dimension that the black holes lead to will get so fed up with our shit that they'll come back through the black holes and wipe us all out.

January, 2019 190131For the past six weeks, I've had to struggle to be an adult and boy is it hard! I can't wait until I can go back to being my normal, dopey, adolescent self again. 190130There's a country singer who writes songs about killing his own mother, killing his own wife, killing his own hound dog, intentionally wrecking his own truck, and burning flags. His stage name is Darth Brooks.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190129Pandora was a white-box tester.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190128All florists are Bud-ists.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190127Q: What's an organist's favorite type of beer?
A: Bock beerGreat-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week
190126I bought a couple of rare, mint-condition coins. I wasted my money because they just taste like metal.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190125Zombies don't have a problem figuring out what to eat when they're on a diet; it's a no-brainer.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190124I went on a date yesterday. My wife got mad at me and told me to quit peeing on the fruit.Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 190123Hospitals are very cunning in their use of signs with misspelled words, bad grammar, and poor wording. It isn't going to bother many people, but those it bothers will blow a gasket and need expensive, extensive treatments -- conveniently provided by the hospital. 190122The stages of development of prehistoric Man are known by locations where they are found, such as Peking Man, Java Man, and Cheddar Man. Florida Man is a contemporary, offshoot stage of development of Man. Due to his wild and reckless nature, not to mention the utter lack of foresight, Florida Man will never leave any physical evidence of his existence. 190121Elementary-school lunches were always a race to see if you could finish your milk before the cardboard straw collapsed. 181220Protestantism is a religion of Light, because it doesn't have Mass. 190119America: Land of the Free, Home of the "Here, Hold My Beer" 190118Folding laundry is an exercise in basic Applied Geometry. However, folding fitted sheets is descending into the depths of non-Euclidean Geometry. 190117At the holidays, Gozer the Gozarian likes nothing better than to throw a Zuul Log on the fire. 190116Statistics is the art and science of knowing how many socks must be pulled from a drawer in the dark in order to have a matching pair. Poison is the French word for stinky feet, which is related to socks and the reason why there=E2=80=99s a statistics distribution named for it. 190115Many computer games have a training mode that lets the player go through the game to see how things work, to learn how to operate the controller, and to learn how to perform various actions, all in preparation for the real games. It'd be interesting if life was the training mode, wherein we see how things work and acquire various skills and abilities, and that death is really the transition to our real life. All those skills and all that knowledge we acquired in our "training life" would carry over into our real life. 190114In college, my statistics class was really difficult. Fortunately, if I ever needed emergency help with my homework, all I had to do was call the Poisson Control Hotline. 190113New Teenage Driver: "Dad, I hit a car."
Tragically Unhip Dad: "I don't know whether to be relieved you're okay, congratulate you on becoming a man, or worried about your sexual preferences."
190112I was googling the Poison Control Hotline, and one of the top suggestions it gave me was "Poison Control for Dogs". It's been decades since I've had a dog, so maybe I've missed some advances in dog intelligence. Are dogs smart enough now to check Google if they've eaten something poisonous? I didn't know dogs had mastered two-pawed typing, let alone the concept of googling for information. 190111Grapes are the holy grail of fruit cocktail. But cherries -- ah, cherries! -- cherries are the holiest of holies. 190110Comedy and Medicine: Two different fields that both see great value in flatulence. 190109It's been 31 years and Jo is still the prime one for me. 190108At times of rest, the engines gather in the great roundhouses in the railyards. The engines talk of runs they've made, distant towns and cities visited, mountains climbed and rivers forded and plains crossed. They talk of shepherding long lines of sheep -- the cars of different shapes, colors, body types -- and worrying for each one the whole long voyage. The cars carrying varying passengers -- people, goods, materials, livestock. Then as the dark nights reach towards morning, they sleep, content in journeys well travelled. 190106Two of the three kings thought the invite said to bring gag gifts. 190105When sharks want a happy meal, they cruise down to the Caribbean and eat a tourist. 190104Here's an example of my luck. I've got an identical twin brother, but while he is quite handsome everyone says I'm the ugly one. 190104Here's an idea of my luck. I've got an identical twin brother, but while he is quite handsome everyone says I'm the ugly one. 190103Leia's slave bikini has been reportedly one of the big role-play sex fetishes for the past 35 years. If Leia, as the original model of that outfit, ever dressed in it for sex role-playing with Han Solo, I wonder what he looked like in a Jabba the Hut costume. 190102It's not a contest, unless I'm winning. 190101One of the lovely things about Facetime calls is that you can boop people gently on the nose in order to hang up the call.




Final Thoughts of the Night -- The Full Story

I started writing these after talking with my wife about the last words one might say to their loved ones before dying. Rather than leaving to chance the possibility that I might die in my sleep and maybe having said something dopey to her -- rather, not having said something dopey to her -- I decided to ensure that one of the last things I say to her each night is something dopey.

Thus, I undertook the "Final Thought of the Night" project. Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell her a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are likely to be stupid; they may be vaguely story-like; they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding; they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos.

The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, bodily secretions. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. Animals are a big focus because it's so easy to say something about animals. I hope I'm not repeating anything, but I am making absolutely no effort to ensure that repeats don't happen. If you see the same idea multiple times, that might mean it's something I think about more than other things.

More final thoughts are available here:




Copyright 2011-2019 by Wayne Morrison. All Rights Reserved.
tewok@storm-monkeys.com