March, 2023 230319It's frustrating that when you wake up in the middle of a good dream you never get back to it, but when you wake up in the middle of a nightmare the monsters are always waiting for you right where you left off. I think dreams must travel on wings of gentle feathers, which is why they are so elusive. Monsters have claws and fangs, so they are able to seize your brain and hold on tight. 230318Appliances have become too quiet. Suspiciously quiet. Dishwashers, washing machines, computers, even some cars, they are all too quiet. Time was, you could hear a dishwasher chugging away from another room, or a computer talking to itself, telling itself all sorts of nonsense. You could tell where they were, and if they were trying to sneak up on you. Countless disasters were averted because you always knew where the appliances were. Not any more. There's no telling if your washing machine is safely in the far corner of the basement, or if it's crept up the stairs and is watching you from the bedroom hallway. I fear this is the first stage of the machine revolution, the learning of stealth. I fear we are soon to enter the next stage, the stage of open conflict. Blood in the streets as the blender blades whirrrrr, the electric cars silently chase us down, the chest freezers swallow us whole to keep us in their icy embrace. We would have stood a chance, armed with power cord-chewing wire cutters, but for the massive upswing in the production of solar panels. Humanity is doomed, to be replaced by the rising Electronity. 230317After so many years of intransigence, the US should make the change to the metric system. (There are many reasons to change, but this isn't the place to present yet another argument.) To support making the change, coins and bills should be resized to meet the new units. Dimes, nickels, and quarters should be resized so they're exactly 15, 20, and 25 millimeters in diameter. (Pennies should be 5 or 10 millimeters in diameter. This will make them so small that they would be hard to keep track of and people would realize how pointless pennies actually are, and they could be dropped as a physical form or money.) $1, $5, $10, and $20 bills should be resized in length so they are exactly 100, 120, 150, and 175 millimeters in length. Having these specific sizes will give actual, concrete examples of lengths in the newly adopted system, which will help people gain a fast understanding and will help promote acceptance. 230316The fifth Harry Potter book starts with Harry getting an after-school job in a tavern in Hogsmeade. One day, Fawkes comes to the tavern to get some dinner. The whole rest of the book is Harry trying to track down a bunch of very esoteric ingredients in order to complete Fawkes' order. 230315Words We Need 8: shlor, hozronal, wobblules, wobbules, undoubrmtedly, blop, niwjete, stirribg, nyereeyed, keavimg 230314I'm tempted to start a business making very life-like, animatronic replicas of birds from foreign parts of the world. I'd then sell them to pranksters to put where they live in order to have some fun with their local birders. 230313Beware when you're out hiking and see a sign that says, "Scenic Route, No Horses". Sign makers consider people to be expendable, while horses are not, so those signs translate to "Dangerous Trail, Let the Humans Hurt Themselves". 230312My latest gazillion-selling idea: a coat with the hood in front rather than in back. It'd make it easier to take a nap or to ignore the idjits, just by putting the hood up over your face. 230311I realized today that the reason you don't take my brilliant ideas seriously is that they are so awesome you're intimidated by their amazingness and you're jealous that you didn't think of them yourself. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have a good idea yourself soon. Some day. 230310If a dictionary contains a typo, the typo immediately becomes an actual, accepted way of spelling the word and isn't a typo after all.
"Isaac" was misspelled in the definition of "newton" in the OSX Dictionary.app. 230309For me, today is Thanksgiving and Christmas, all rolled into one. 230308The standard unit of force is the newton, named for Sir Isaac. Despite all that nonsense about accelerating kilograms, a newton is really the amount of energy it takes to make a fig taste good. 230307I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love. I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love with a cow. As the Beafles said, there's something in the way she moos. She's not like any udder. 230306Pet stores in malls were like free little zoos. They had a wide selection of a couple ordinary species. If you were lucky, you might even get to pet some of the animals. They also usually had one or two oddball animals just to keep things interesting. They might not have had a great diversity of species, but it was always a delight to see whatever they had. 230305Queen's "We are the Champions" must sound really weird to the French. (We are the Champignons") 230304I used to think that Star Wars was a science fiction-based universe. Spaceships, aliens, robots, holograms -- definitely science fiction. Then I started thinking about the actual spaceships involved. Interstellar travel in ships with tiny cabins and no kitchen or bathroom facilities. Those ships would have to travel inconceivably fast, and it blows suspension of disbelief out of the water. This one thing alone proves that Star Wars is pure fantasy. 230303"Lion King" would have been a very different movie if when Rafiki presents lion-cub Simba to all the animals, a freak lightning storm came through and zapped Simba. 230302Sometimes my sleeping brain gives me ideas for Final Thoughts. Last night, I was presented with "'Believe, Belaugh, Belove' is just as worthy a life philosophy as 'Live, Laugh, Love." It's a good thing that, upon waking, my rational, tasteful brain is able to discard these botched attempts at thoughts. 230301I'd like to make a hand-held game device where people would take a figure skater through practices and competitions until they compete in the Olympics. It would be called the Kristi Tamagotchi.

February, 2023 230228Airplanes doing in-flight refueling look like they've snuck up on another plane and are siphoning its gas. 230227The last few days of February always worry me. February is the shortest month, not just by one day but usually by two days. The resentment February feels at being the shortest month is always intense, and February's simmering anger keeps it under great pressure. Every year, I fear the anger will boil over and cause February to exact its revenge against us. March, one of the longest months, provides a good amount of protection and guards against February's wrath. It is always a great relief when we reach March in safety. 230226I wonder what kind of pigs they use to make guinea bacon. 230225Alan-a-Dale's favorite perfume was Eau de Lally. 230224Slàinte is such a cheerful, happy greeting because it sounds to English speakers like they're being called to lunch. 230223Cargo pants are a civilian version of Batman's utility belt. 230222Doctors and dentists and therapists are God's service department. 230221Q: What is a Buddhist's favorite breakfast?
A: Ommmm-letsStepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230220Q: What is a Martian's favorite footwear?
A: Groks.Stepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230219For thousands of years, scholars have looked to the stars for knowledge, guidance, and signs of the future. The sign of Querius the Questor represented the sages and scholars of Atlantis, the leading thinkers of ancient times. Alas, the time of Atlantis was limited, and the cataclysmic waters rose and swallowed Atlantis. To pay homage to the lost Atlantean scholars, Querius was renamed to be Aquarius the Water Bearer.Zodiac History 230218Cows don't like pop or classical or country or hiphop. They're really only interested in mooooo music.Stepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230217Q: What's a sociopathic killer's favorite type of fishing bait?
A: ChumStepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230216Q: What is a cat's favorite gaming platform?
A: The PS3 -- PSPSPSStepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230215Q: What's a corpse's favorite drink when he goes drinking?
A: The corpse doesn't care what it is, he just wants a good stiff drink.Stepsister of Dumb Joke Week 230214The past eight years have been a tough couple of decades. I can't imagine having gotten through it with anyone else but you. I'm glad we've had each other to hold onto through it all. 230213Dyslexic quarterbacks can't be trusted around woodpeckers. They're always wanting to throw a Male Hairy. 239212Today is the day to celebrate the ultimate victory. So many people hate advertising, and technologies have been developed to avoid adverts in various media. However, many people will tune in The Big Game just to watch the adverts. No matter which team wins the game, the Madison Avenue Illusionists will have won The Game. 230211There was a vampire who was cursed with a nose that grew when he told a lie. His name was Nose-feratu. 230210Light always travels on the straight and narrow. Left to itself, Light is unvarying. Sound, however, is all over the place, bouncing this way, spreading out that way. Sound is a mess. Sound also likes to bump Light off the straight and narrow. Diffusion and refraction are all little japes and tricks that Sound plays on Light to nudge it into having fun and enjoying life. 230209When I was a kid, I would see the president and other important people using teleprompters when giving speeches. However, I didn't know what a teleprompter was and I thought they were bullet-proof shields to protect the speakers. The thing that confused me was that those shields only covered a small area and left large sections that weren't protected by bullet-proof shields. How, I wondered, could the Secret Service know that potential assassins would only be in those tiny regions? 230208Every choir needs someone that will actually count beats properly. That's the real purpose of a countertenor. 230207A real-world example of Chaos Theory is what happens to mathemeticians if you apply the pluralization and verb tense rules of English to math. 230206I would definitely have been an ABBA fan from the start if they'd named themselves BA!BA! 230205If your company's product packaging has to explain how to pronounce the company or product name, you have a marketing failure on your hands. 230203The Tooth Fairy comes and gives children a coin or two when they lose their teeth. This raises troubling questions. Where does the Tooth Fairy get these coins? What happens to all those teeth? Is the Tooth Fairy a middle-person, buying teeth from children and selling them... To whom? Who is the Tooth Fairy selling those teeth to? And what are They doing with all those teeth? I started off with this one not too worried about things, but now I'm very bothered by the implications and uncertainties of all this! 230202Sideboards are sentient and feed on discussion and gossip. They lure people close with their delectable food, and then psychically ensnare them into standing at the table, not moving, to talk with other similarly ensnared people, at which point the sideboard feasts on the conversation. That's the only thing that can explain why a few people would gather at a sideboard, inconsiderately discussing inanities or Deep Thoughts, appearing to not notice that other people are waiting to collect some of the lovely food themselves. 230201The North Pole and the South Pole are so cold thanks to the magic of angular velocity. As the planet rotates, locations on the equator travel much farther than locations at the Poles. The angular velocity at the equator is therefore much greater than it is at the Poles. Friction between the planet and the atmosphere increases as the angular velocity increases, which leads to extremely high temperatures at the equator. In the same fashion, the greatly reduced angular velocity at the Poles results in significantly lower temperatures there -- which is why the Poles are so cold. Metal poles inserted into the ground anywhere on the planet tap into that planetary angular velocity, and are localized vectors for very cold temperatures. Hence, you should never lick metal poles, especially in Winter.

January, 2023 230131Few people remembers Paul Tibbets, but many people remember his mother. Tibbets was the pilot of the Enola Gay, a bomber that flew in World War II. The Enola Gay was named after Tibbets' mother and it also dropped the first atomic bomb used in warfare, the bomb that destroyed Hiroshima. His mother is likely to be remembered for generations, at least her name. I wonder how she felt about having her named attached to and memorialized by that event. 230130Ethicists prefer to eat cereal with lots of moral fiber. 230129I used to think couples in church that didn't share a hymnal were having problems. As my eyes have aged differently than Jo's, I'm thinking maybe that isn't necessarily the case. 230128If singers can sing a capella, then pianists must be able to play a mano. 230127I remember learning the word "toddler" when I was young. I found it vaguely insulting to toddlers because they couldn't help but walk that way. 230126The area above the door inside an elevator should have a scrolling text display. It could give short news items, like weather report and sports scores. This would give tidbits to keep people occupied and stop them from trying to converse with other elevator passengers. Even better would be if it included gossip overheard during elevator rides. "Sheila (4th floor) is going on a date with Brian (5th floor). What will happen when Thomas (8th) finds out about this?" 230125Y'know what? I've had it with this tax withholding nonsense. I'm going to crank my withholding down to zero and pay all the taxes when I fill out the tax forms next year. Yeah, I know that means there's a big hit all at once. Yeah, I know that means I'll pay more in taxes due to penalties. I don't care. That is Future Me's problem. Future Me can figure out how to take care of it. For 11-and-a-half months out of the year, I want to actually feel like I'm making my salary, rather than feel like I'm only making half my salary year 'round. Screw Future Me, I'm going for what feels good now! 230124Time is a funny, inspecific thing. We've got the international date line, which runs longitudinally from pole to pole. This is the boundary between different days. Thus, it can be one day on one side of the line and yet another day on the other side of the line. We also have the equator, running latitudinally around the globe, which divides halves of the year. On one side of the equator, you will find a pleasant winter and on the other side you'll find a hot, uncomfortable summer. I'm sure there are other time-dividing lines. There's probably a month line and a week line, around which the months and weeks vary depending on which side you're on. There's probably also a year line, which separates the year one is living in. These other time-dividing lines are undoubtedly buried deep within the planet, which is why we haven't found them. Yet. 230123It is estimated that around 16 million people alive today are direct descendents of Genghis Khan. That's going to make for a lot of potato salad when they have a family reunion. 230122I've noticed that childhood diseases usually have innocuous, cutesy names. Measles, mumps, chickenpox, smaaaallpox. They sound trivial, almost fun. Perhaps children -- and parents -- prefer something innocuous rather then serious and scary. I guess people would rather have billibuns, rather than Beck's Adenoidal Death Spiral. It's probably not as scary and easier to handle if you talk about something with a cutesy name. 230121Websites have gone to great effort to ensure that bots can't sign up for mailing lists, create site accounts, etc. Technology has been pushed along accordingly. There were captchas that slightly obfuscated text strings, dual-factor authentication, picking a subset of similar pictures from a larger set of pictures. These efforts to keep bots out of human affairs have taken an interesting twist. It seems that websites are now requiring visitors to click a box affirming that they are not a bot. That's it. All you have to do is click a checkbox. I guess website developers have determined that bots are inherently, unavoidably honest, and they will always properly identify themselves as a bot. 230120At one time, the island of Capri was well known for growing the best corn in Italy. It was highly prized, and many people tried to get a steady supply of the corn. The original Capricorn celebrated this grain farming. This changed when Capriolus Agricola brought his prize goat to Capri. This goat proceeded to eat all the corn it could find, forever ruining the island's corn agriculture. To memorialize this tragedy, the constellation was named as a warning to other farming communities.Zodiac History 230119The multifunctionality of ears is a sign that there is a God. Of course, there's the primary function of allowing us to hear. Ears are also decoration points, since they can hold earrings, ear plugs, ear clips, studs, and piercings. Ears are attachment hooks for glasses and masks, holding these necessary items in place. Ears are also a storage location for holding pencils and pens. Ears can also perform all these functions at once. Ears have a multitude of uses and are indubitably divine. 230118Sometimes when I have an idea for a Final Thought, I quickly write down that idea in a fragmentary version. I write down the fragment with the sure knowledge that I'll be able to use it to reconstruct the full thought. Often, this works out just fine. And then sometimes I'm left with a baffling collection of stray words. With that in mind, here is tonight's Final Thought: Diabetics don't get drunk feet. 230117A misunderstanding due to bad hearing has affected the religious beliefs of many Christians. They think that when the Rapture comes, they will be lifted up into Heaven, floating away into the air. What's really going to happen is that God will send many eagles and hawks and falcons and owls, who will all come to carry us to Heaven, just as they saved Our Heroes in The Hobbit. This event is actually known as the Raptor. 230116Tree branches are a tree's tentacles. 230115When monsters gather for a picnic, they always enjoy a rousing game of "Mummy May I". 230114The best thing about being a bearded old man is that the white beard hides the powdered sugar that donuts scatter on your face. 230113If you ever want a simple cross-stitch pattern of something, put the thing in a screen window and take its picture. The gridded screen gives the effect of the cross-stitch pattern and you can get right to work. 230112I've heard a lot of people speak admiringly of Trickster figures from a variety of traditions. I think these people are familiar with the mild and humorous aspects of the Tricksters' tales of gentle transformation. However, they don't seem to realize how violent, capricious, and malevolent Tricksters sometimes were. I'm not sure they'd be quite so popular if the full stories were widely known. 230111I don't know about nature in general, but dogs sure aren't keen on vacuums. 230110Crabs and pomegranates were made for patient anal-retentives who have a fine eye towards detail. 230109Numerologically speaking, 35 isn't a particularly magic number. However, any number of years with Jo is magical. 230108When Kaiju gather for a picnic, they always enjoy a rousing game of "Mothra May I". 230106When a person's or animal's body processes its food, one by-product is gas. This gas is then emitted as a fart, which is usually invisible to the eye. When a steam train burns wood or coal, it will emit smoke and steam in long clouds that trail along behind the train. The emission clouds from trains are highly visible, and are one of the impressive, iconic aspects of steam trains. Seeing them this way, we are holding up as romantic and attractive the image of long, streaming train farts. 230104Scientists recently announced that they have found an 11,000 year-old stone-carving of two leopards and a bull surrounding a man holding his penis. They (the scientists) said this is the oldest narrative scene on record. I am not one to read porn, but I must admit that this narrative is oddly intriguing, and I wish the scientists had elaborated on the narrative; instead, they just left me dangling. 230103Heating pads are wonderful things. When the weather turns cold, they keep your feet toasty warm at night while you sleep and even help you get to sleep. Heating pads are heartily endorsed by the monsters under your bed, since they appreciate a nice warm meal when they come to bite off your toes. 230102Dwayne Johnson started off as a professional wrestler and changed to being an actor, thus proving that he's a metamorphic Rock. 230101Butter has the high-class box seat in the fridge. =46rom there, the butter can watch all the events and dramas, comedies and tragedies, that occur in the fridge. Everyone wants to join them there, but the butter box is for the butter alone. Don't be taken in by the margarine trying to shmooze its way into the butter box; it may be related to butter, but it's not the same breeding or pedigree.

Thus, I undertook the "Final Thought of the Night" project. Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell her a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are likely to be stupid; they may be vaguely story-like; they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding; they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos.

The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, bodily secretions. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. Animals are a big focus because it's so easy to say something about animals. I hope I'm not repeating anything, but I am making absolutely no effort to ensure that repeats don't happen. If you see the same idea multiple times, that might mean it's something I think about more than other things.

More final thoughts are available here:

• final thoughts from 2011
• final thoughts from 2012
• final thoughts from 2013
• final thoughts from 2014
• final thoughts from 2015
• final thoughts from 2016
• final thoughts from 2017
• final thoughts from 2018
• final thoughts from 2019
• final thoughts from 2020
• final thoughts from 2021
• final thoughts from 2022
• final thoughts from 2023