Final Thoughts of the Night, 2020

Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell my wife a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are sometimes dumb, they may be vaguely story-like, they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding, they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos. The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, technology. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. The full story is at the bottom.

August, 2020 200804Spiders are like children; they should be not seen and not heard and not bitey. 200803Using tools of wood and metal and plastic, you transmute grief and pain and fear into peace and acceptance and calm. You are truly an alchemist of the soul. 200802The reason Trump is so afraid of TikTok is that, like the crocodile and Captain Hook, the name TikTok reminds him of his lurking, imminent ouster. 200801It's got to be really hot for warm clothes fresh from the dryer not to feel like a real treat to put on.

July, 2020 200731I want to remake "Young Frankenstein" but have it take place in Russia and have the characters be well-known Russians. For instance, the monster will be played by a strongman named Vladimir. The highlight of the new movie will be when Dr. Frankenshtein and the monster perform their big song and dance, "Putin on the Ritz". 200730My ambition is to grow my beard long enough that I can braid it and use it as a tie. 200729I have a cooking-based fear. I fear that when I'm putting anything in the oven or taking anything out of the oven, the oven door will snap shut on my hands. Even if the door is firmly held open and can't close unexpectedly, I still fear it might happen. It doesn't help that ovens look like big muppety faces with big huge mouths just beckoning me to put in my hands and other things. 200728I saw a meme whose text was "Can I buy a vowel?" I have no idea why, but I read it as "Can I buy a werewolf?" Forget all these dumb trivia- and athletic-based game shows, I want to see a game show where monsters and werewolves feature prominently. 200727Common wisdom says that you should clean your dryer's lint trap to keep the lint from catching fire and burning the house down. That is a concern, but it's a very minor concern. The real concern with lint traps is that the "lint" is actually the ghosts of the clothes that have been washed. If you don't clean out the lint trap frequently, then the captured ghosts will hit a critical mass and you'll be headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. 200726If you never aged and it seemed you would live forever, it seems there would be a couple paths you might take. There would be the urge to learn as many skills and develop as many talents and abilities as possible. There would also be the urge to not waste the time doing anything like that; since you'll live forever why not just blow off everything for the next couple decades? I wonder which urge would be stronger. 200725As darkness falls, the Night Starling slowly unfurls her wings across the sky. The stars peek out from her feathers, tiny lanterns unshuttered to guide us in the night. 200724I saw a sign today that said, "MONSTER YARD SALE!" I'm not sure if the people are selling a bunch of monsters or if monsters are selling the monster paraphernalia they no longer need. The first would be really convenient -- it's always nice to pick up a spare werewolf or mummy to keep on hand. The second might be interesting because you'd see what stuff monsters want to get rid of. I haven't seen signs for this, but I'd like to go to a MAD SCIENTIST YARD SALE. There's no telling what cool equipment and spare parts a mad scientist is dumping. 200723Balaam's story in Numbers 22 shows that sometimes you should pay attention when someone is speaking out of their ass. 200722The Jurassic Park movies have convinced the world that velociraptors were incredible predators -- six-foot long, scimitar-clawed, cunning, highly intelligent, pack-hunting, lizards of death. In reality, velociraptors were much smaller, about the size of a large chicken or a turkey. I think it would be great to have a movie where a bunch of turkeys escaped from Glow-Bob's Turkey Farm, the one just down the road from the nookyooler power plant. These turkeys would be mutants -- scimitar-clawed, cunning, highly intelligent, pack-hunting, turkeys of death. Still the size of an average turkey, just because it'd be so funny to see packs of mutant turkeys on the prowl, hunting down their hereditary enemies, the Thanksgiving diner. 200721Recitative is opera's version of rap. 200720Occasionally, after giving blood I'll be given a gift card to Amazon as an expression of appreciation. Even though these are good for anything, it seems that I should use them for vampire books. 200719It's odd that so many of the people who say they never owned slaves and therefore have no slavery guilt are the same people who hold today's Jews responsible for Jesus' death. 200718In Middle Earth, a small kingdom of dwarves ran the Grey Havens, the port from which the elves sailed to Aman. These were the Harbour Dwarves, and they provided the skills and labor required to build, outfit, and load the ships for the elves. The dwarves who loaded the ships were known as the stevedwarves. Nandina was the harbourmaster who oversaw all operations at the harbour, and responsibility for everything related to the harbour fell to him. He was the Harbour Dwarf Nandina. 200717In "Romancing the Stone", Jack Colton was heroic and pretty. He was a great hero for the movie. At least, he was until you think a bit about the character. It's usually overlooked that Jack Colton was a smuggler that trafficked in endangered species. 200716Guy Davis is Superman to me. In classic Superman lore, Superman only had to put on a pair of glasses and people only saw Clark Kent. The glasses, especially when paired with a hat, were great camouflage for hiding Superman. I've known Guy Davis for about 20 years now, seeing him every summer or two at Common Ground. At the start of classes in 2019, I was waiting for instructor orientation to start. I saw a dashing guy sitting a little ways away, someone I didn't recognize. I assumed he was a new teacher that year, so I decided to be friendly and welcome him to Common Ground. When I did, he smiled and said, "Hi, I'm Guy." He took off his hat and wham! There he was! Guy Davis! I had just welcomed Guy Davis as a new teacher to Common Ground. Guy, of course, was gracious and forgiving and amused by it. I can't say how much of an idiot I felt like. I think his hat really confused my poor brain. I feel a sense of kinship with all those who don't see past Clark Kent's glasses to see Superman. To me, Guy Davis is Superman. 200715I have developed a superpower. It's not a good superpower. It isn't a useful superpower, like super-strength or teleportation. It isn't a cool superpower, like talking to animals or shapeshifting. My superpower is inconvenient and gets in the way. My superpower is to wake up a minute before my alarm goes off. 200714When I first heard about monkey-eating eagles, the whole concept sounded hilarious. It was so improbable that I couldn't help but laugh. Then I saw a picture of one. Those things are terrifying. Beautiful and impressive, but terrifying. Then I saw that PSA with the emotional Sarah MacLachlan song, where she sings about the critically endangered monkey-eating eagles and the abuse and torment of the monkeys, and now I'm just left confused about the whole monkey-eating eagle concept. Are they the Good Guys? Are they the Bad Guys? Maybe those monkeys are really the evil ones and the monkey-eating eagles are saving the world. Maybe the monkeys are benevolent humanitarians. Monkey-eating eagles are still terrifying and beautiful, no question there, but they're definitely confusing. 2007132020 has been a year of rolling disasters. Covid-19, murder hornets, blindingly stupid politicians, Australia's bush fires, hurricanes, tornados, to name a few. Lately, people have been saying -- with great relief -- that 2020 is half over. We are all eagerly awaiting the end of this year of disasturds, but I wonder why people think this is going to end just because 2021 arrives. Maybe 2020 was sent to soften us up for the next couple of years. 200712With all this social isolation and quarantining, people are getting stir-crazy and looking for outdoors activities they can engage in and not be concerned about Covid-19. Here are several activities at low risk for Covid-19: kicking a bear in the nuts, shark wrestling, and hippo tickling. If you engage in those outdoor activities, you can be fairly sure you won't have to worry about Covid-19. 200711If you want to know how much you use a particular finger, just put a bandaid on that fingertip. 200710Several keys on my keyboard have become very inconsistent in whether or not they work. If I on't pay attntion then thos ltters are often dropp from what I typ. (That last sentence is the unfixed way it was typed.) It often seems that this keyboard must have been used to give Unix commands their original names. 200709Back in the 90's, a sitcom made an interesting statement about ice, saying that it was "water, cold, and time". This works out to a physics equation: water + cold + time =3D ice. Mathematical juggling leads to several interesting calculations:
water =3D ice - cold - time
cold =3D ice - water - time
time =3D ice - water - cold
This shows that ice is a fundamental, yet mysterious, part of the universe, probably on a par with dark matter.
200708I've seen quite a few presentations dealing with malicious users -- hackers, spies, and script-kiddies. Many of these use a small image to represent these bad guys that is neutral (generic computer icon) to kind of dashing (Anonymous or masked person). Rather than give any amount of positive reinforcement, I think these Bad Guys should be represented by the standard poop emoji. 200707There wasn't really a Sauron or any rings of power. That whole journey of the Fellowship was a reality show for palantír subscribers. Strider was the Middle Earth incarnation of Bear Grylls, so you know what the hobbits were drinking in the wilderness.Literature Week 7 200706The One Ring disowned Sauron because he kept using "Yellow Rose of Texas" as his ring tone.Literature Week 7 200705The first version of "IT Chapter 2" was significantly different to what was eventually produced. The sequel was supposed to involve time travel, and mostly take place back during the Roman Empire. Pennywise was to be responsible for the deaths of Julius Caesar and the Roman Senate. The title was to have been "IT 2: Brute".Literature Week 7 200704Calamari and sushi chefs gained great popularity in Ipswich shortly after a shadow rose just down the road over Innsmouth.Literature Week 7 200703From now on, I plan to read the word "robot" as "roo", and mentally replace the robots with kangaroos. This is making me eagerly anticipate reading "I, Roo", "Roos and Empire, and the Murder-Roo Diaries. The Terminator and Star Wars movies will also make for fun viewing.Literature Week 7 200702If you're reading an urban fantasy novel and the bad-ass, hard-as-nails characters start talking about shoe brands, it's time to throw the book away.Literature Week 7 200701Hamlet is known to have had allergies because of that part of his famous soliloquy -- "Eyes, there's the rub."Literature Week 7

June, 2020 200630Pushing the glasses up the nose is the secret, stealthy way glasses-wearers have of giving glasses-free people the finger. 200629When people write about going to a hair salon, I've found it's much more interesting to read it as hair salmon. 200628After several months of wearing a mask in public, I have a much deeper appreciation for women talking about not shaving during the winter. 200627The funeral is over, the music has been played, the eulogy has been given. Now comes the hard part. 200626In an effort to help my survivors, I've started writing down various anecdotes that can be used to write my eulogy. I call this my eul-log. 200625Punctuation gives writing structure and form. Writing without punctuation has the illusion of freedom, but is really a step away from collapsing in chaos. Apunctuational writing is textual jazz. 200624The wren gathers bits of gossip throughout the summer, tucking them beneath his feathers so they fluff up and keep him warm all winter. 200623I've heard lots of people say that wide-reaching educational curricula are unnecessary. They never use trigonometry. They don't need no goodish English grammar. Beowulf and Elizabeth Bennet are irrelevant to their lives. Only chemists care about how many moles or ferrets are in Avogadro's Number. It seems very shortsighted to me the way people turn their backs on knowledge. I am so glad I had to take a huge range of courses when I was in school. I use this stuff all the time. All these things feed into my humor and jokes, and I'd be pretty dang boring without this wide range of knowledge. 200622Our mail delivery has gotten pretty hit-and-miss lately. We get piles of mail that should have gone to others, and it makes me wonder how much of our mail gets misdelivered to other people. I've steamed over this for a while, but I have recently realized that this is a brilliant new method of sorting the mail. The mail carriers get a pile of mail and don't bother sorting it. They put a handful of letters in each box along their route. People get mail from their box, keep their own mail, and put everything else back in the box to be picked up the next day. The next day, the carrier picks up stuff from a box and puts it into the next box along their route. Eventually, all this misdirected mail will wind up in the proper mailbox, and all will be well. I'm sure this new method of sorting will streamline and expedite mail delivery. 200621It's long past time for herd immunity to come into effect against racism and sexism. 200620Ah, Summer! All the signs of Summer -- warmth, heat, sunlight, and the smell of fresh-mown grass. Mmm, the smell of cut grass. I've heard that that smell is actually the olfactory screaming of the grass in pain as it's being butchered. If scent release is how plants announce their distress and pain, then tomato plants must be the most paranoid, the most hypersensitive plants around. Even a fleeting, nondestructive brush against a tomato leaf and the smell of tomato plants is released in the air. The delicious, fragrant, delightful, amazing scent of tomatoes... 200619It's a little-known fact, difficult for the layman to understand, that no matter how good a movie's theme music, it rarely has anything to do with the plot of the movie. 200618Everyone knows how death works. When Death comes for you, you suddenly find yourself standing beside a body. A sudden shock strikes when you recognize that the body's face also happens to be your face. Happened to have been. Then you plead or rage at Death for a bit, depending on who you are. Who you were. Then you go off with Death... Somewhere. That's all well and good, and there's a fairly long precedent for that sequence of events. I wonder what happened way back long and long ago. What happened before there were mirrors, before people knew what they looked like? Death would appear and they'd suddenly be looking down at some dead body that happened to be wearing their clothes. Instead of identifying one's self with the face, perhaps identity was wrapped up entirely in one's wardrobe. Maybe fashion is a lingering identity link to the age before mirrors and should be held in deep esteem for its function in once allowing us to realize when we had died. 200617Graphs are just numbers in pretty colors and with the sharp edges sanded off. 200616In recent months, many people have quickly grown to love the benefits of Working =46rom Home, and will b wanting to continue with it long after the current crisis passes. However, there are some negative aspects to it as well. The major downside to Working =46rom Home is that you also Live At Work. 200615Alpacas have these vicious fighting teeth that are used to protect against predators, and by male alpacas to fight for mates. Alpacas will be particularly nasty when we are faced with the undead at the coming Zombie Alpacalypse. 200614Whenever I hear the word pinniped, I always picture a walrus wearing an apron. (Aprons are pinafores...) 200613One of my favorite things to do is curling with a good book, but it tends to drive librarians insane. 200612I played a lot of Dungeons & Dragons in my youth, back in the dark ages. This was when Advanced D&D was the hot new thing. My friends and I had a vague idea that the setting behind the scenes was roughly medieval, roughly England. The way language was handled in AD&D makes me think this was not actually the case. The Players Handbook had rules for languages that the various races could speak. Elves could speak from nine to twelve languages and dwarves could speak seven languages. Even half-orcs could speak from three to five languages. All the different species could speak several languages, and they could all speak the language of humans. But humans themselves? Not a word was written about how many languages a human could learn, other than that they had a language. Given this lack of rules for humans and languages, I can only conclude that humans could speak their own language and nothing else. This leads me to believe that rather than medieval-ish England, Advanced D&D was really based in a medieval-ish USA that had knights, wizards, and fantasy critters. 200611My mother is an excellent cook. She could make all sorts of things, almost of gourmet quality. Except soup. Her soups were terrible. She just never could make a decent pot of soup, even if she took it straight from a can. She knew her limitation, but that didn't stop her from trying with a dreadful batch of soup here, an awful pot of soup there. As a child, I did my best to not get in trouble because I knew if I did, it would lead to my mother washing my mouth out with soup. 200610I wonder why things are plugged in and unplugged, rather than inplugged or plugged out. 200609One of the long-term, consistent problems of the presidency is the president's office. This problem goes back to the construction of the White House, when the builders followed their misreading of the blueprints instead of following what the blueprints actually said. If I were president I would fix this. One of my first acts as president would be to use redecoration and reconstruction to restore the intentions of the original architect. I would modify the office so that it could once more be known by its true name, the Owl Office. 200608Harpies were invented when an ancient Greek (probably Zeus) looked at some birds and said, "Yeah, they're cute in a homely sort of way, but they'd be really sexy if they had breasts." 200607Dancers are, by definition, bones players. 200606Many years ago, back in my early days of software development, I spent time doing assembly-language programming. The assembly instructions were always arcane abbreviations that usually were an acronym of some sort. LR was Load Register; BC was Branch on Condition; STCM was Store Characters under Mask. My friends and I would sometimes invent new instructions for functionality we wish we had. The one I remember was the DWIM instruction, which would tell the computer to Do What I Mean instead of what I was telling it. Even after all these years, I still long for a DWIM-witted computer. 200605As a kid, I learned that you mustn't play with your bellybutton because it might come untied and your guts will spill out. This is really silly. After millennia of births, I'm sure doctors have developed foolproof knots that won't come untied just from a little navel fiddling. 200604Ogres follow a "No ogre left behind" ethos. It's a little different from the way most people think of it. If an ogre is alive but injured, then it'll be bandaged up and shlepped along. If it isn't alive, well. That ex-ogre won't be left behind, but it will likely make a trip to the stew pot along the way. 200603Contrary to common wisdom, Nature does not abhor a vacuum. However, it prefers to leave it to the maid service to use. 200602I have trouble even believing that the website robots care whether or not another robot gets in. Maybe the website robots are the dorky, anal-retentive, bow-tie wearing snots that are willing to rat out the other robots. They're happiest when they force others to obey the rules, no matter how oiky the rules are. This does raise an unsettling question though. How can robots be anal-retentive? 200601Websites uses captchas, select-a-pix, and other tools to ensure they're talking with a person and not a robot. The websites themselves are robots, so it seems it'd be easier if they'd just check the rosters from the Robot Meetings. You know robots are smug and wouldn't hesitate to brag about the humans they're masquerading as. Robots probably even have scorecards and worldwide standings -- online, of course -- that could be checked. Life would be so much easier if website robots would handle things automatically for us.

May, 2020 200631So often, May comes in with a roar and goes out with a fart. 200530There's this really spiffy vinyl cover for refrigerator doors that looks like Han Solo in carbonite. It's made for over-and-under two-door refrigerators. So what it's showing is that you've got Han Solo, embedded in carbonite, standing up in your kitchen -- and you decided to cut him in half. 200529People talk about something really bad being an "unmitigated disaster." It seems that's an unnecessary redundancy, since disasters are pretty much all unmitigated. If they were mitigated, they wouldn't be disasters. 200528People joke about food in one's beard as being a snack saved for later. That's sometimes true, but often not. No one seems to appreciate the kindness and selflessness involved when you tell them that you've actually saved it for them. 200527Knitting was invented to train replacements for the Fates. 200526Having watched quite a few dinosaur movies, I've learned that T-Rexes walked with a distinctive gait. The body bent forward at the hip, with the head and long tail counterbalancing each other. The little forelegs were too useless to help with movement so the T-Rex would walk by swaying from leg to leg, rather than move the way animals with four functional legs would move. Over time, the T-Rex evolved into the Velociraptor. The overall size decreased, but the arms got longer and more useful. The Velociraptor also got smarter. They were still bipedal and couldn't use their forelegs for running, but they also had great claws on all their feet. These claws were very useful for eviscerating prey and opening door handles. Velociraptors also grew smarter and could easily outthink the T-Rex. With my extensive study of Eastern Grey Squirrels, I've found that the squirrels sit with their head and upper body leaning forward, their tail providing a counterbalance, and the forelegs are dexterous and long enough to assist with eating and many other tasks. Squirrels sit with the same pose as T-Rexes stood, but there's a significant difference in the way they run. This difference comes down to the squirrel's functional forelegs. Squirrels are also substantially smarter then dumb ol' T-Rex. Combining all these facts, the only reasonable conclusion is that the Eastern Grey Squirrel is the direct descendent of the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Velociraptor, but squirrels traded the immense size for functional, useful forelegs and exceptional brains. Generalizing these conclusions, body size is in inverse proportion to brain size and the length of the appendages closest to the head. Increase one side of the equation, and the other side has no choice but to decrease. Unfortunately, this evolutionary path remains shrouded in mystery because the Velociraptor lived millions of years earlier than the T-Rex. 200525In olden days, people used candles all the time and therefore they loved wax. This led to additional uses for wax, and men indulged in moustache-waxing. These days, candles aren't used nearly as much, so moustache-waxing has gone out of favor. If you can trust the internet, which I do implicitly, then other substances are now so widely popular that they're the ideal things for the facially hirsute. I am now the chief ambassador for the new art of moustache-cheesing and beard-bacongreasing. 200524I try to be very careful online, and I have software set up to screen and block cookies that random websites try to push on me. If websites asked me if I'd accept chocolate chip cookies, I'd disable my blocker so fast, my keyboard would melt. 200523Whenever I cut up plastic six-pack holders, I get grand visions that I'm a mighty eco-warrior environmentalist. 200522Grandma would have known right away it was a wolf if Red Riding Hood ever bothered to shave her legs. 200521You can always tell when a cow is unhappy because of the moue on their face. 200520Winter has claws, Summer has fangs. 200519I am too apathetic to care about your apathy. 200518The best thing about plain cheese pizza is that there's rarely any cause to complain about the skimpiness of the toppings. 200517Chipmunks move so fast and in such small bursts, that watching them is like watching a streaming video over a congested network. 200516My church had many covered-dish dinners when I was a kid. There was always a lot of good food, as well as a lot of mediocre food. The mediocre food helped me to learn how to combine unexpected things to turn mediocre into something good. For example, it was from a covered-dish that I learned how bacos could make a boring potato salad into a thing of beauty.Food Week 17 200515Icing is a multipurpose substance, elemental and multitasking in its essence. It is delicious and the entire point of cake. It is also a glue that holds together cake that is calving chunks like a glacier. It can provide a lovely decoration and artistry to a cake. Similarly, it can hide the poor visual execution of a cake and it can also cover up the poor gastronomic execution of a cake. Icing is delightful and practical, all at the same time.Food Week 17 200514In China, they add red food coloring to their Maonnaise.Food Week 17 200513Fig newtons are a betrayal of cookies.Food Week 17 200512Quality fusion cuisine involves a meal having dishes from different cuisines served together. On different plates. Not mixing together. Not touching.Food Week 17 200511The rich often eat food that is one food stuffed inside another food. Meat stuffed into bread. Crab stuffed into fish. Duck stuffed wih oranges. Pheasant stuffed into a glass. This cuisine methodology is the rich subtly telling the world to get stuffed.Food Week 17 200510They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. I have found that not to be true. Whenever I eat a whole cake, I carry it around with me for a month or two afterwards.Food Week 17 200509It's funny how Jo and I had completely different reactions to part of the original Disney Jungle Book movie. Jo was influenced by the Pachyderm Patrol to have a life-long love of elephants. I, on the other hand, was influenced by the evil King Louie to have a life-long dislike of jazz. 200508It is very encouraging that the Earth is recovering so quickly from pollution and junk, now that people aren't travelling as much or going out so much. Planetary resilience is a very good thing, and it's quite reassuring that things have cleaned up some just as a result of our absence. However, people should also be frightened by this resilience. With the quick recovery there's the subtle hint that humans can disappear fairly quickly and maybe the planet won't miss us too much. 200507When I was a kid, books and TV and movies taught me that the plants during dinosaur times were all ferns and trees with coconut-fronds. That got to be such a pervasive thing that for a while whenever I saw ferns I wondered if I'd fallen into a Land That Time Forgot pocket that had dinosaurs strolling around. 200506When Jo got out of Hopkins from heart surgery, they gave her a big red heart-shaped pillow. I wonder what kinds of pillows are given by their other departments. What kind of pillows do the brain-, reproductive-, or butt-health departments give patients? 200505In these Covid-19 days, handshaking is a problem due to the spread of virus. You've got the two hands, cozying up to each other, the viruses intermingling and friendly. Handshakes are like a nice cocktail party among friends. Friends that are trying to kill their host, but still friends. People have been replacing the handshake with the fistbump. In one way, this is better than the handshake because a lot less viruses are transferred. However, fistbumps are a real problem because the viruses that are transferred are the really bloodthirsty viruses. They're like pirates during a boarding action when the ships are in close. The viruses that transfer during a fistbump are screaming, they have matches burning in their beards, they're whaling away with weapons in all their hands, they're gnawing on their own hooks, they're drunk lunatics that are trying to wreak as much devastation as they possibly can. These viruses don't care where they end up, they're just wanting to chew on something. That's why six-foot social distancing is so important. Covid-19 viruses are vicious little bastards, but they can only leap three feet. Anything more than that is just too much trouble and they don't bother. 200504Marine psychologists test depressed sharks to see when they can return to the oceans. The primary testing method is to have the sharks look at the shape of blood spills in the water. The sharks can return to the ocean when they pass these Rohrshark tests. 200503With trouble from the past looming over the Federation, a heroic captain weaves through time back to the 19th century for a steampunk adventure, in Star Trek: Jacquard. 200502If you love someone plutonically, does that mean you're a necrophiliac? 200501Back in the 60's, I was the cook in a commune full of stand-up comics. There were some real adventures and lots of fun had there. I've written my autobiography of that time, and it'll be published soon. It'll be called "Soup to Nuts".

April, 2020 200430I'm going to write a play called "Waiting for Thoreau". It's going to feature a couple guys standing around waiting and complaining because Thoreau is late and they're having to wait for him. It turns out Thoreau is late because he took the road less travelled and got lost. So lost, in fact, that he ended up in a play where the two characters waiting for him really should have been waiting for Frost. 200429An ongoing joke during some of the recent Doctor Who episodes was the name of the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius. I never got the hang of pronouncing that name, nor of even remembering it. Fairly quickly, I was mentally translating that name into Corticosteroids and leaving it at that. 200428Ultimate terror in the Era of Zoom: Performing an act of "nasal maintenance" in the middle of a Zoom call and forgetting to ensure the camera is off.
Ultimate relief in the Era of Zoom: Panic-checking the camera after the "nasal maintenance" and finding that it is indeed turned off.
200427The one important thing the hedgehog knows is how to use a search engine. 200426I've got a great solution to keep people in bars from being served more alcohol long after they're drunk. Bars should have a bunch of small lockboxes. Everyone who comes in has to lock up their car keys in one of these lockboxes. Some form of biometric check is required to lock the box, and a matching check opens the box. However, there must also be a test of the blood alcohol level. Once the keys are locked up, the lockbox won't open until the blood alcohol level passes and the biometric check ensures the owner's identity. The collateral effect is that non-drivers can't leave the bar while stinking drunk, which seems much more acceptable than drivers leaving the bar while stinking drunk. 200425In the US health industry, patient privacy is protected by the HIPAA-cratic oath.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 200424Cannibals lurked on the edges of things back in the Golden Age of Comedy, picking off a comedian here and a ventriloquist there. Modern cannibals missed out on the two most coveted dishes from the age of vaudeville: Curry Shemp and Curly Shrimp. 200423Seismologists are always looking at the world for faults.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 200422Q: What is a reference librarian's favorite pain killer?
A: Ibidprofin.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week
200421When Noah built his boat, it was state of the ark.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 200420I always wonder what mother issues were had by composers of a Stabat Mater.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 200419There was once a renowned explorer who always carried his favorite dessert in his hat. It was a pith of cake.Blue-Haired Great-Aunt of Dumb Joke Week 200418Piling stuff on the organ bench is the equivalent of putting an instrument in its case. 200417The social-distancing guidelines in Florida are that people need to keep a large alligator between themselves and everyone else. I am in awe of Florida people knowing that they've all got their own alligator they tote around wherever they go. Floridians are on another plane of existence from the boring one I live on. 200416If people were given the choice between Free Will and Free Wifi, I bet more people would choose Free Wifi. 200415As we all know, 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. However, we never stopped to ask what base it's in. 200414The problem with comedians using gallows humor is that too often they just leave you hanging. 200413The dentist said this first set of dental aligners were essentially "training wheels" for the rest of the aligner sets. I can't help but think that this is really just getting me trained for dentures. 200412If life was fair, we'd get a breakfast for every wake-up alarm we set. 200411I don't see how pet birds can trust their owners. Every day, the owners change their plumage -- color, style, consistency -- and act like nothing's different. How could their owners be so blasé about such a major change? They must be up to something! 200410Sean Connery's "One ping only" line from "Hunt for Red October" is an aurally iconic line that's impossible to see and not have Connery's voice read it into your brain. The same goes for a few other lines, such as "Mr. Anderson", "nice chianti", "I can do this all day", and anything that rhymes with "Stella". While I was meaning the original actors for those lines, now I want to hear Sean Connery do them all. 200409If I ever work on a killer android, I'm going to work hard to ensure it ends up looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 200408As a kid, we always loved to hear the music from the ice cream truck as it drove down the street. The ice cream man! What wondrous treats awaited us! The joy and anticipation that kids get from the ice cream music should be available to adults. There should be booze trucks that drive around neighborhoods in the evening, playing joyful happy music to let the adults know that delight and happiness are on their way. 200407We have a symbiotic relationship with the bacteria in our digestive system. We feed them and they help us digest food. Under the surface, it isn't quite so happy and supportive. If we stop feeding them, their response will be to start eating us. 200406I wonder how many babies conceived in the next month or two will nine months later be named Corona. 200405You could be absolutely innocent and pure as the driven snow, but if you're digging a hole while wearing a suit then something seriously suspicious is happening. If you're wearing a suit while digging a hole at night, then something's dead. 200404There's been a lot of discussion about risk factors with this current novel coronavirus. Luckily for me, I only read non-fiction. 200403With all the brushing and flossing for these aligners, my teeth and gums are in the best condition they've ever been in. They're in for a heck of a shock next year once I finish with these aligners and don't have to wear them any more. 200402Doctors and nurses are extremely worried about their cow-orkers getting infected; they really worry about staff infections. 200401I have it on good authority that COVID-19 is heavier than air, so it tends to settle down at floor level. This raises the obvious and important question -- how much is COVID-19 subject to the 5 Second Rule?

March, 2020 200331"Shelter in place" is a polite way of saying "Vector in place". 200329Handwashing is all the rage. 20 seconds minimum is the requirement. 20 seconds overall? 20 seconds for each and every part of the hand? Do germs and viruses have an internal clock that tells them that contact with soap kills them after 20 seconds? Or is it the hot water? The vigorous scrubbing? These guidelines on handwashing just don't cover all the needed information. 200328No matter what color the carrots are, they're still carrots.Food Week 16 200327Mrs. Butterworth's name implies that there must be a Mr. Butterworth. We never hear about him though. If her claim to fame is any indication of his own, then he must be a purveyor of barbecue sauce. I'm guessing then that Mrs. Butterworth is married to either Sweet Baby Ray or Stubbs.Food Week 16 200326Anchovy afishionados know everyone hates anchovies but they are always surprised when people exclaim in disgust and absolutely refuse to have fish on shared pizza.Food Week 16 200325Mashed potatoes are just potato dip with pretensions.Food Week 16 200324The best hot pepper for bringing order and balance to your life is the chi-potle pepper.Food Week 16 200323Bread is soft and delicious. Stale bread is hard and crunchy and not nearly so delicious. Toast is hard and crunchy and somewhat burned and delicious. Apparently, the difference in physical qualities between toast and stale bread is that toast is somewhat burned. My toaster is having an identity crisis. It takes a piece of bread and gives you something that is toast on one side and stale bread on the other. I don't know why it doesn't do both sides the same, whether its toast or stale bread, but the toaster insists on only producing half toast, half stale bread. I think it would be better described as a toaster-staler. I don't really see that name as being particularly successful when it comes to advertising.Food Week 16 200322Laziness combined with a 90% empty fridge engenders faith in divine culinary manifestations.Food Week 16 200321It's said that more sharks have seen you than you have seen sharks. This implies that sharks have internet access and are addicted to the livestream version of Google Street View. 200320Past Me: Look at this big bowl of spaghetti noodles! I'll put a bunch on my plate to have with sauce, but I'll also grab a yummy handful to eat cold while the plate is heating.
Current Me: Dagnabbit. There aren't enough spaghetti noodles to do anything useful with. Damn you, Past Me, I hate you so much.
200319Pen caps are chewtoys for humans. 200319Gentle rumbles sound from the depths, calling the Bears of Dusk once more to the enfolding Caves of Autumn. The Tigers of the Sun wake from their winter slumbers. Their yawns swell the winds of Spring that breathe warmth anew to the land.Seasons of Bears and Tigers 200318When an author goes into great detail explaining why a prison absolutely cannot be broken out of, you know know that a prison break will occur by the end of the chapter. 200317My favorite bird in Ireland has very strong ideas and feelings about things, and doesn't hesitate to make them known. It's the O'Piñion Jay.Bird Week 2 200316In times past, fairies would leave changlings for humans to raise. Cuckoos and Cowbirds both lay their eggs in other birds' nests, leaving them to be hatched and raised by the other birds. I think this similarity is not an accident. I think the fae of the Seelie Court evolved into Cuckoos, while the fae of the Unseelie Court evolved into Cowbirds.Bird Week 2 200315John's Law of Extrapolative Ornithology: If it looks like a duck and silhouettes like a duck, it's gotta be a female Greater Scaup of the subspecies that only lives on Lake Huron and Lake Erie.Bird Week 2 200314I wonder if redheaded woodpeckers have souls.Bird Week 2 200313During World War II, women stepped up (stepped out, really) and took factory and other jobs outside the home. When the war was over, they found that they liked working outside the home, and were good at it. This brought about a fundamental shift in society, a shift that continues very strong today. The recent Coronavirus epidemic has brought the possibility of a similar societal shift. More and more companies are telling their employees that to protect against the Coronavirus, the employees must stay out of the office and work from home. I predict a likely outcome of this will be to show workers, companies, and managers that people can work effectively from home, that centralized offices are not necessary. People will like working from home. Even after this Coronavirus problem has been solved, people will want to continue working from home. 200312Honing pigeons have the sharpest knives.Bird Week 2 200311I got email about extracting interesting parts of network traffic from the uninteresting parts, and one message got me thinking about birds. The email was talking about separating the wheatears from the chaffinches.Bird Week 2 200310Doves are revolutionaries, always involved in a coo.Bird Week 2 200309Bird names sound like the names of superheros and supervillains. For example: Thrasher, Bee Eater, Kingfisher, Woodpecker, Black Vulture, Magpie, Cuckoo, Loon, Diver, Bufflehead, Horned Owl, Roadrunner, Longspur, Hooded Crow, Creeper, Lucifer Hummingbird, Killdeer.Bird Week 2 200308Pandemics affect chefs and forest gods more than anyone else. 200307Traffic cones look like giant candy corns. Every time I get stuck in construction back-ups, I get a barely controllable urge to jump out of my car, grab a traffic cone, and take a big bite. 200306I had a dream last night wherein I learned that Corgis, lightbulbs, and babies were all roughly the same intelligence level and temperament. This meant that if you know how to deal with one of these, you know how to deal with all three. 200305When I had shoulder surgery, they really loaded me up with aesthetics. Now I can't lift my arm without noticing the beauty of the world around me. 200304It seems like the VW Beetle should have six wheels. 200303When elected officials die in office, it's often the case that the spouse is put in place to fill the position for the remainder of the term. This is a weird way of getting a job, one that is likely to be putting an inexperienced person into a position of power. I'm not aware of other jobs that have that sort of thing. A dead engineer isn't replaced by her husband just because they were married. A dead restaurant waiter isn't replaced by his wife just because they were married. It seems that a mortally vacated political office should be filled based on experience or an election, not on wedding vows. 200302"Florida Man Opens Alligator Petting Zoo"
"Florida Man Delivers Valentines With Crossbow"
"Florida Man, Self-Appointed Florida Pope, Decrees Communion Sacraments Shall Be Cheerwine and Sweetbreads"
Florida Man has become a caricature of all the weird and oddball things people can think up (or, more likely, unthink up) to do. I bet Florida Man is actually a stealth campaign run by Florida's tourism department to try to lure people to visit the state with all these tales of bizarre and wonderful activities awaiting them.
200301At church, the choir recently sang Jester Hairston's excellent spiritual, "Elijah Rock". I really like this song and always look forward to singing it. However, it also has some unexpected imagery with it. The basses start out alone, setting the mood of rock-solid strength. The sopranos and altos then come in, smooth as silk and chocolate, calling Elijah's name in a sensuous, supple response to the basses' call. The opening part of the song makes me think of a movie theme for a suave, worldly private detective.

February, 2020 200229I've seen a number of organists have to run back and forth between organ and pisno in order to cover all the music for a service. This entails taking off the organ shoes, putting on regular shoes, taking off the regular shoes, putting organ shoes back on, all in the tiny interstitial moments between having to play one instrument then the other. There really should be organ loafers that slip on and off quickly in order to facilitate these quick changes. If organ loafers wouldn't work, then maybe organ galoshes -- orgaloshes -- might work better. 200228I'd love to see a version of "Call of the Wild" where Buck was played by Moon Moon. 200227Humans have domesticated horses for riding for around 8,000 years. Before that happened, I wonder what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode. Were they always riding horses? Was the fact that they were riding horses a major element of their overwhelming presence? Maybe they rode something other than horses. Before humans rode horses, maybe the Four Riders rode whatever humans happened to ride. Maybe the Four Horsemen were actually the Four Wolfmen of the Apocalypse or the Four Giraffemen of the Apocalypse or the Four Camelmen of the Apocalypse or the Four Piggybackmen of the Apocalypse. If the Four Riders came now, would they be the Four Bicyclemen of the Apocalypse or the Four Pickupmen of the Apocalypse or the Four Skateboardmen of the Apocalypse or the Four Segwaymen of the Apocalypse? 200226There's an age-old philosophical question as to whether Life imitates Art or if Art imitates Life. Sure, they both imitate each other in small ways from time to time, but the real answer is that neither imitates the other. Art and Life both imitate Cable Access channel 71, which is a full-time display of wireless cameras strapped to the heads of dogs. 200225Formaldehyde is used to preserve bodies for dignified, solemn funerals. For a quick, dump-'em-in-the-park funeral, you'd use informaldehyde. 200224If a neutered dog licked one of those hallucinogenic frogs, what would he be trippin'? 200223The health app on my phone counts the daily number of steps taken, the number of floors climbed, and the number of walking miles. It doesn't tell me the important data, things like the number of jokes told, the number of bars crawled, and the number of snide comments kept in my head -- and those statistics are arguably more important to my health than the others. 200222A friend posted that she'd visited the Desert Botanical Gardens in Arizona. Except I misread it as the Dessert Botanical Gardens. Now I reallyreallyreally want to go to the Dessert Botanical Gardens. 200221I have thought of a way to drive my brother-in-law crazy. I'm going to get a Rubik's Cube and have someone get it one move from being solved. Then I'll put it out and never let anyone touch it. 200220To a percussionist, the whole world is an instrument. 200219I have always had lots of trouble remembering which way latitude and longitude went. There just wasn't anything I found that was a decent reminder. I was listening to Jimmy Buffett one day and I gained enlightenment. 200218A well-known guru on decluttering wrote that you should have fewer than 50 books. I started decluttering today by getting rid of her book. 200217Toyota has a car called a Solara. Every time I see the name I read it as the Toyota Sclera. That would be a really weird name for a car. 200216For a number of years, I've participated in a citizen-scientist program, helping to track population and migration data of a single species. This year, it's expanded beyond cyborgs to also track robots, androids, drones, and other artificial lifeforms. It's called the Great Backyard Borg Count. 200215Every time I see Azog the Defiler in the Hobbit movies, I think he looks like an angry beluga whale. 200214A heart is an upside-down butt you share with a smile. 200213On the talent-show TV shows, you know the acts are doing something dangerous when they pull out the blindfolds. Anyone can juggle hammers, but if someone juggles hammers blindfolded then you can rest assured that those hammers are chain-driven, fanged, and scorpion-tailed. If I ever get on one of those shows, I'm sure it'll be for singing. I'll be sure to pull out a blindfold mid-song just to imply something dangerous is about to happen. 200212I've read a bunch of mystery novels where the murder weapon was a blunt instrument. It seems it'd be a really unlikely murder weapon, but the bluntest instrument I can think of is a kettle drum. 200211Breakdancing started when some kids tried to play outside right after a freezing rain. Their natural dexterity and style turned a time of low friction into a new form of art. 200210When I was a kid, we jumped around on the furniture and pretended the floor was lava. These days, they call that game Parkour. 200209Hope and love are the flint and steel that strike a spark and bring light to the world. 200208I brought about a cosmic convergence today. I finished a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jam. At the same time! 200207Trail mix and party mix are both delightful things, each a composite snack built of atoms of yum. Except that people invariably add horrible atoms of yuck to the mix. Most of the time, these composite snacks sit in their containers, just waiting for you to come munch on them. They wait, inert and quiescent. However, they develop a temporary form of sentience and agility when you are trying to skim out a handful of delight without getting any of the horrid bits. That's when those raisins or puffed rice kernels develop an unhealthy attraction to your hand, and you find that snack handful you just got is 62% composed of those pieces of primordial awful condensed into small nuggets of evil. 200206A lot of people, myself included, put AM or PM on times where, contextually, it is completely irrelevant. Sure, let's have a work telecon at 11pm. Let's have dinner at 6am. 200205A groundhog's shadow isn't merely an absence of light. Groundhog shadows are interdimensional creatures that are able to see into the future, at least as far as weather is concerned. It all seems fun and innocuous, but I worry about their hidden motives and what else they may be doing besides that once-a-year prognostication. 200204I have a friend who seems to live in an ongoing stream-of-consciousness discussion. When he starts talking to a new person, the discussion stream picks up where it left off with the last person. You never know what has come before, you have to hope enough context will come forth that you can make sense of what's being discussed. There isn't much you can add to the conversation, since it's all going on orbiting around his head. This guy would be great to have for a dentist. There's no conversational requirements from the patient, other than that they have ears to listen to him. They can grunt acknowledgments, but they don't have to ask questions or contribute in any other way. That'd eliminate that awkward way dentists have of expecting you to hold up your end of the conversation when you have fingers and tools and sponges jammed in your mouth. 200203Hockey puts up protective barriers to keep the tiny puck from flying into the stands and injuring a spectator. Car racetracks put up nothing to stop cars and car parts from flying up into the stands and taking out a bunch of spectators. I think this says something about the esteem in which the sport organizers hold their fans. 200202Time will be interesting when we put a colony on another planet. Whether the new planet has longer days or years, shorter days or years, or whatever, the calendar will immediately be different between the colony and Earth. New days and months will have to be invented, new seasons, new festivals and celebrations, and nothing will be synchronized with Earth. Warranties, retirement age, drinking age, driving age -- so much will be affected. We'll have to invent a whole new way of looking at and thinking about time. 200201There's a big mystery in marine biology as to why whales will beach themselves. Biologists need to apply Occam's Razor and stop overlooking the obvious solution. Whales beach themselves because they've just eaten and they aren't supposed to swim for an hour. If whales could tell time, they'd happily return to the sea after an hour on the beach.

January, 2020 200131Incoherent Late-Night Thought: Interstate roads are really simulations we forgot and left running. 200130I don't understand how Pepé Le Pew could so easily mistake painted cats for skunks, when skunks are so much more beautiful than cats. 200129The Norse used runes for writing and magic. They were most often engraved on stone, so good tools were required to carve them. Sometimes, for magical purposes scissors were used to carve them. The problem with using scissors this way was that the magic was just as likely to cut back at the magician as it was to affect the magician's target. It didn't take long for Norse magicians to teach their apprentices the dangers of runing with scissors. 200128The Twilight Zone pool-champion episode taught me that I should never pursue greatness, that mediocrity was far preferable. 200127Saturn has a dense, visually impressive, ring system. Jupiter, Neptune, and Uranus each have a sparse, barely visible ring system. The nine planets, their moons, the asteroid belt, and all the other detritus in the solar system are the Sun's extremely sparse ring system. 200126It always bothers me that spaceships don't seem to have door locks or ignition keys. I don't really care about the actual mechanism, but it seems there should be some sort of security to prevent just anyone from coming on board or driving away in the ship. 200125I thought I'd try to find a date for Saturday night, so I watched this dating show called Dateline. The interviewer is a zombie and they keep talking about murders. Forever more I'll be afraid to leave home for a date. 200124I have long assumed that I would die before Jo, so the Events of Last Year were stunning in many ways. My greatest fear in dying before Jo is in how I'll be replaced. There are lots of ways I know she'll easily find a better replacement. She'll have no problem finding a better provider. No problem finding a better cook. No problem finding a better musical partner, a better lover, a better groundskeeper, a better organizer. The thing I really worry about, my big fear, is that Jo might find someone who is funnier than me. 200123I tried watching that TV show, The Mandelbrotian. The plot kept getting more and more complex, seeming to approach chaos, but it never changed as I got deeper into it. 200122It's interesting that organ stops actually start things. 200121The phrase "a thousand points of light" was popularized by Bush 1 as a way to describe the diverse volunteer organizations in America. In each forest, each city park, each suburban neighborhood, each squirrel is a thousand points of frenetic hyperactivity. 200120I hate the word "Imma". The laziness it represents is commendable, but that level of laziness would be best reserved for more important things. Without that word, though, I couldn't have one of my favorite (intentional) Mondegreens.
"Whooooa, we're halfway there,
Whooooa, Imma eat a bear!"
200119"Think about it." I hate that phrase. "Think about it." It's never meant at face value, but always comes with heavy baggage, with arrogance and condescension. It often means, "You clearly didn't understand the childishly simple thing I just said, so I'll dumb it down. For you. Maybe you'll understand it then." It also comes after the speaker realizes their previous statement was very unclear and needs explanation. That's pointing out their own deficiencies, while trying to make the listener feel like the deficiency was their own. Think about it. 200118Picard had Riker as his 2nd, but who was the Picardy 3rd? 200117After eating dinner, Galactus likes to finish off with some desert.Comic-book Week 4 200116Superheroes that fly love to do the "hero landing" and slam into the ground on one knee. That's why so many superheroes have knee replacements after a few years of heroing, not to mention the debilitating groin injuries.Comic-book Week 4 200115Many superheroes are imbued with a particular trait from one animal or another, a trait that sets them apart from other animals. I have a feeling that animal superheroes imbued with human traits would have a thumb.Comic-book Week 4 200114There's a good reason why Superman is such a wonder. For us mere humans, we have a choice between either fight or flight. Superman, however, has both.Comic-book Week 4 200113While I'm at it... Hair, fingernails, and sloughed-off skin are said to be composed of "dead cells." This implies that other cells are live cells -- or life. What did Thanos consider a unit of life? Cells are units that compose larger systems (organs, muscles, etc.) Those larger systems compose even larger systems (digestive systems, respiratory systems.) Those even larger systems compose a body. Bodies compose even larger systems (communities, countries, species.) When he invoked The Snap, how far down did Thanos go to find a unit of life?Comic-book Week 4 200112I still have questions about The Snap. Now I'm wondering about the Quantum Realm. Did Thanos wipe out half the life down at the quantum level? Did a whole slew of tardigrades get zapped? Did Janet Van Dyne have a small herd of pet tardigrades, and then suddenly a bunch of them disappeared? How would The Snap have affected the balance of life down at that level?Comic-book Week 4 200111I've been an X-Men fan since I was a child, so I grew up thinking that mutated genes were a positive thing. For this reason, I eat as much genetically modified food as I can. A radioactive spider's bite turned Peter Parker into Spiderman; maybe a genetically modified hamburger, with genetically modified cheese and genetically modified pickles, will turn me into Cowman.Comic-book Week 4 200110Even if he doesn't play fetch, the Curiosity Rover is a Good Boy. 200109If we happen to get married again, I'm going to insist on the wedding ceremony having a ring bear. 200108Chi-Rho-Square is a statistical method that assesses how good a Christian is by observing their behavior and comparing it to Christian beliefs. 200107Q: In the Marvel Universe, what is a Dark Elf's favorite holiday?
A: Thanksgiving. It's a big time for families and friends, when everyone gets together with their Malekith and Malekin.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week
200106Braesy is a Scottish artist who is well known for creative and evocative street graffiti. Sometimes Braesy works with an English colleague to create art of biting political commentary, with a shading of unrequited love. Together, these artists go by the name Banksy and Braesy.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week 200105The Atlantis economy is based on the exchange of cephalopod-based currency, which economists refer to as squid pro quo.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week 200104Q: What do you call a large mammal that always thinks it's sick?
A: A hippochondriac.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week
200103The King of Laois was really Ireland's best dogcatcher.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week 200102Q: What southern boats do people complain about the most?
A: The kvetch, yawl.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week
200101Q: Where does a piper keep his testicles?
A: In his dudelsack.Grand-Uncle of Dumb Joke Week

Final Thoughts of the Night -- The Full Story

I started writing these after talking with my wife about the last words one might say to their loved ones before dying. Rather than leaving to chance the possibility that I might die in my sleep and maybe having said something dopey to her -- rather, not having said something dopey to her -- I decided to ensure that one of the last things I say to her each night is something dopey.

Thus, I undertook the "Final Thought of the Night" project. Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell her a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are likely to be stupid; they may be vaguely story-like; they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding; they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos.

The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, bodily secretions. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. Animals are a big focus because it's so easy to say something about animals. I hope I'm not repeating anything, but I am making absolutely no effort to ensure that repeats don't happen. If you see the same idea multiple times, that might mean it's something I think about more than other things.

More final thoughts are available here:

Copyright 2011-2020 by Wayne Morrison. All Rights Reserved.