Final Thoughts of the Night, 2026

Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell my wife a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are sometimes dumb, they may be vaguely story-like, they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding, they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos. The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, technology. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. The full story is at the bottom.

January, 2026 260115Wheels reached their ultimate evolved form when they became tires made from synthetic rubber, which is itself made from petroleum products. Since petroleum is formed from dinosaur remains, according to popular conception, this means that any planet that never had dinosaurs could never develop the best, most optimal form of the wheel. 260114I don't know what my spirits animal is, but I hope it's whisky based. 260113Until the female kangaroos paid a visit to Heaven's customer service/complaints department and had strong words with the angel Aloysius, they didn't have that handy-dandy, built-in front pocket. 260112We played The Floor Is Lava when I was a kid. It was always fun, hopping around from couch to chair to chair. I didn't realize then that living on Earth is really a low-risk game of The Floor Is Lava. Rather than furniture, we have to hop from tectonic plate to tectonic plate, avoiding the interstitial gaps. Since the tectonic plates are floating on a sea of magma, those interstitial gaps are filled with glowing red-hot lava. Those lava-filled interstices may be quite small and far between, but they are a real and potential risk in everyday life. 260111When you die in the final step of achieving your fate, you have fulfilled your deathtiny. 260110Dinosaur-shaped food is typically thought of as being for children. In particular, there are dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, maybe a novelty candy or two, and that's pretty much it. Dinosaurs should get more respect from adults, and perhaps making adult food shaped like dinosaurs would help. Dinosaur-shaped steaks, dinosaur-shaped margarita glasses, dinosaur-shaped casserole dishes, Chicken à la T-Rex. All these would go a long way towards restoring respectability to dinosaurs. 260109Neanderthals were pretty stationary; they had their territory and didn't really leave it. They had a close relative that did migrate and didn't have a set territory they kept to. These relatives wandered across the continent without any real plan, and they never really settled down anywhere. They were known as meanderthals. 260108New guitars are known to sound better the more they are played. This is really good for people who are just learning to play because the more they play the better the guitar sounds and the better their playing sounds. It all works out to make the new player with a new instrument sound better and better the longer they play. 260107Toilet paper comes from a long history of using writing materials to wipe our butts. Toilet paper has been a good improvement over its predecessors, such as toilet scrolls and toilet papyrus. Toilet clay tablet was pretty bad, but the worst was the toilet petroglyphs. Toilet media continues to be an evolving technology. Toilet keyboards, the latest entry, are good for getting things clean, but they are kinda hard on the butt. Not to mention fairly expensive. 260106Squirrels are the familiars of academia. That is why universities have at least one squirrel per student. All those thinky thoughts bouncing around in such close proximity, a new squirrel is generated every time a couple of thoughts collide. Squirrels are the product of this intellectual sciuridaean Brownian motion. It varies by region, but in the eastern US it's more of a Greyian motion. 260205After years, decades!, of mentally mispronouncing the name, I have finally learned the proper way to pronounce Aloysius. Knowing that I've learned a new fact is nice, but my very world is shaken and discombobulated. Where once there were two names -- ah-LOY-zee-us and al-loo-ISH-us -- there is now only one name. I am left wondering about the Schrödingerian aspects of this revelation. Where once there were two pronunciations and two spellings, the quantum uncertainty has collapsed into al-loo-ISH-us and there is now a single spelling and a single pronunciation. What happened to all the al-LOY-ZEE-us-es? Have they been wiped from reality? Have they collapsed into the alternate state and are now ah-loo-ISH-us-es? What happens to all of these new al-loo-ISH-us-es, if they have survived, and their old ah-LOY-zee-us-nesses? A fundamental shift in reality has just taken place, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed. 260104There are two well-known facts about Australia. First, the UK settled Australia by banishing lots of convicts and criminals there, making it a geographical prison. Second, there are some extremely dangerous animals that live in Australia. I think it's obvious that the animal kingdom uses Australia for its own prison and banishes its most dangerous denizens there. 260103Cats don't purr out of contentment. Cats purr out of a low~grade frustration that they can't stay in bed every minute of the day. 260102Dogs are the Santas' Little Helpers for any Santa that needs help.Week of Santas' Little Helpers 260101Corvids don't have their own Santa; they borrow everyone else's Santa.Week of Santas' Little Helpers



Final Thoughts of the Night -- The Full Story

I started writing these after talking with my wife about the last words one might say to their loved ones before dying. Rather than leaving to chance the possibility that I might die in my sleep and maybe having said something dopey to her -- rather, not having said something dopey to her -- I decided to ensure that one of the last things I say to her each night is something dopey.

Thus, I undertook the "Final Thought of the Night" project. Each night, shortly before going to sleep, I tell her a Final Thought. These may be funny, they are likely to be stupid; they may be vaguely story-like; they may be pseudo-philosophical and intelligent-sounding; they may be almost mythic from a spur-of-the-moment mythos.

The topics have spanned a wide range of subjects: animals, steampunk, food, bodily secretions. Anything that pops into mind is fair game. Animals are a big focus because it's so easy to say something about animals. I hope I'm not repeating anything, but I am making absolutely no effort to ensure that repeats don't happen. If you see the same idea multiple times, that might mean it's something I think about more than other things.

More final thoughts are available here:



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